When the other parent cannot see the children

Every March 8, the world commemorates the International Women’s Day,it is a day that is celebrated with passion and promise, but to some it is a different story.

This year, Emmanuel Mbasha, a renowned gospel musician, posted a message on Instagram congratulating his ex-wife Flora Henry and asking her to let him see his child since the law is clear regarding children’s rights.

In the Instagram message, Emmanuel expressed how he misses his daughter and two years have passed since they last met.

He claimed that his ex-wife had stopped him from seeing the daughter and he also hoped that the child could be missing him.

This massage on Instagram created a conversation on other social media platforms on why some women stop men from meeting their children after separation.

The two had been married for over ten years and the couple were blessed with a child before their marital conflict that culminated into a divorce in 2015.

Emmanuel was accused of attempting to rape his sister-in –law but the court acquitted him.

Speaking to Woman, he says,“The last time I saw my daughter was during the case hearing. I had prayed with the court to allow me stay with the daughter after the divorce. Since I am a born again Christian and I stay alone in my house, it could give me some peace of mind,” says Emmanuel.

He notes that he agreed with the court decision to let his ex-wife have custody of the child on condition that he would be allowed to meet her at his convenience, adding that he wonders why the court’s decision has not been followed.

“This is my biological daughter. I am entitled to take care of her and see her anytime. I really miss and love her and miss her so much,” he says.

When asked why he should not send the matter to court again, Emmanuel says, being a man of God, he cannot start fresh court proceedings against his ex-wife.

Woman reached Flora Henry for comment and she said that she could not comment about things which are posted on social media. She also pointed out that only her family lawyer can comment on the issue.

However a Dar es Salaam based lawyer Richard Matei said all parents have the right to see their children and bear responsibility of taking care of them.

He says mothers who bar their children from seeing their fathers contravenes the law.

“According to the children Act 2009, if parents’ divorce, the court will decide where the child will live and also children under seven years will live with their mother and the child or father has a right to visit and stay with other parent unless this interferes with the child’s education,” says the lawyer.

He added that a part from that a father should contribute to the upkeep of the children until they are 18-year-old also the court will give permission to the father to take the child if his mother has got bad behavior, example drunkenness.

Richard says if a mother denies a father the right to meet his children, the latter should go to court and the court will ask her to state why she contravenes the law and if she pleads guilty, she may endure 14 days behind bars or serve a three month jail term.

“Under the section 39 (1), the court shall consider the best interest of the child and the importance of a child being with his mother when making an order for custody or access,” he notes adding that, Section (2) states that, subject to subsection (l), the court shall also consider - (a) the rights of the child under section 26; (b) the age and sex of the child; (c) that it is preferable for a child to be with his parents except if his right are persistently being abused by his parents.

Richard calls on parents to spend time with their children as right of the child, but the court can also deny the father the right to see the child in case it is proven that the father may harm the child or has psychological disorder that may impact on the child’s physical and mental development.

“Parents must send children to school and give them time to play and rest. Special care and treatment should be given to children with disabilities so that they can go to school like any other children,” says Richard.

He says parents and guardians must protect children from harm. They must also make sure that children have food, clothing and a safe place to live.

“Parental responsibility is very important but women who endure labour pain feel more attached to the children though men who develop cordial affection to their children the moment they are born also get very attached,” he says.

Meanwhile, Grace Chacha* 36-year-old says she will never take his son to his father unless he decides to look for him once he completes the university.

“I will never allow my son to see his father because of the suffering he caused to me. He had forced me to abort in the first place but I refused, the move which caused him deny to have been responsible for my pregnancy,” Grace whose son is now in Form Three at one of the schools in Dar-es Salaam angrily says.

Grace met John, the father of her son, when she was starting first year at the university when the latter was in his last year at the university Dar es Salaam.

The relationship was good as they had planned to get married after completing their studies but things changed when she got pregnant,” she says adding that as lovers they used to be together during the weekends and it is during that time that she got an opportunity to break the news that she was pregnant.

Grace says she thought her boyfriend would be happy but on the contrary he said he was not ready to be a father.

“Since then the communication between us died, he even ran away when I followed him to his home,” she says.

Grace says she decided to defer her studies and get back home where members of her family shunned her as well.

I was living like an orphan because my parents were really angry with me after spending all their savings to ensure I get education and a good job eventually.

“As time went by, I delivered a baby boy. I had no one who could shoulder my needs. I hardly received support from parents, thanks to some good friends who stood by me,” she says.

Grace says she was communicating with her friends in Dar es Salaam who advised her to seek a job that would at least let her earn some cash to feed the new born.

“After coming in Dar es Salaam, life was not easy as I had left my two-year-old son in the village. I started to work as a secretary in one of the stationery stores. The wage I receive had to be sent home to support my son,” she says.

Grace says three years later, her mother who was taking care of her son in the village passed away and after the burial she was forced to leave with her son for Dar-es Salaam

Grace says she tried to reach the child’s father with a view of ensuring that he grows up knowing both parents but unfortunately the father was not cooperative.

Her son started going to school and she used the opportunity to resume her studies at the university after saving some cash. She eventually finished her bachelors degree in marketing. At one point the son got sick and when she reached out to the father bhe refused to cooperate.

Grace says when the son was almost completing Grade 7, the father started calling her to seek redress saying he wanted to live with his biological son.

“I asked him where he was for all those years. I really felt so bad was so angry with the man,” she says adding that when the son was still in Grade 7 she got married and introduced the child to his step father, who had since allowed the child to use his surname.

Discussing the case of Grace lawyer Matei says even if a parent has the right to see his or her child, abandonment is another big issue. He says if this father abandoned a child since he was little, if he went to court he should get permission to prove that’s this child is his and for this he should undergo DNA test.

“If woman insist that’s she doesn’t want her child to be seen by the father, the father should give to the court valid reasons why he was absent and why he now wants the child. If his reasons are convincing enough then the court will give him the right to see and take responsibility of his or her child,” he says.

“Sometime there are some question on where he was for those years and why now, what he want to do with this child, he may want to harm him or her so the best interest would be welfare of the child. The court will look at all these before granting such a man the right to see the child,” he explains.

This brings us to a different case of Abdul Rashid, 26, an artist who claimed he was denied the right to see his son by his in laws who claimed that he was too poor to be a biological father of their grandson.

“Rahma and I met in Bagamoyo and the birth of our son cemented our relationship but I wonder why her parents look down upon me,” he says noting that his partner broke communication after her parents, who are Arabs, condemned her for having an affair bywith affairs with pauper.

“I sent the matter to the court but I failed the case in what I thought, and still think, money was used to deny me the rightful responsibility to my son,” he says.

Meanwhile Rehema Abdul 30, mother of two children denied his daughter and son to see their father because he didn’t take responsibility of the children after the divorce.

“My first child is in Grade 7 now and his young sister is Grade 5. Their father didn’t pay school fees. He didn’t care if children ate or fall sick. It was really worrying,” she recounts.

According Rehema Mwaifuge social worker from Temeke Municipal said there’s difference reasons which make women reach such decisions especially those who neglect the children responsibility including looking his children health, guidance and paying school fees and not having regular contact with child and their mother. At times a father can be achild abuser forcing the mother to be very protective.

“The conflict between parents sometimes make some mothers vangeful, “ she says.

“Both parents they should continue to have responsibilities and right towards a child.”

She says these actions might negatively affect the child in future.

St Augustine University (Saut) research and Psychology assistant lecturer, Noverty Deograthias says denying children opportunity to meet their biological parents may affect them psychologically, adding that child-parent attachment is of utmost importance in augmenting their mental and emotional development.

“Sometimes people claim that so long as a child is under mother’s care, they will still enjoy affection accorded by significant others but this should not be entertained because a child would still need attachment from both parents,” says the don.

He adds that if a child keeps on hearing bad comments about one parent, they are likely to develop hatred. Noverty pointed out that some impact caused by single parenting mode may be witnessed even in a child’s academic performance, adding that the morale of learn tend to be lower among children reared by one parent than those who enjoy attachments from both parents.

He on parents to shoulder parental responsibility notwithstanding their differences.