PARENTING : Ways to deal with nighttime fears (ages 5 to 8)

What you need to know:

  • But it makes sense from a developmental point of view. School-age kids understand the difference between reality and fantasy, but they have vivid imaginations that can sometimes run away with them.

It might seem strange that a child who didn’t have bedtime fears when she was a toddler or preschooler would be afraid of so many things — including the dark, monsters under the bed, and sleeping alone — now that she’s older.

But it makes sense from a developmental point of view. School-age kids understand the difference between reality and fantasy, but they have vivid imaginations that can sometimes run away with them.

Wider access to shows and movies, books, and news reports can also mean your child is taking in more scary messages, often without you there to temper them. Her world is much bigger than it was when she was younger, and while this is exciting and fun during the day, it can be overwhelming and frightening by night.

Nighttime fear – of the dark, of separation from parents, of noises, and of bad people doing bodily harm – is a normal developmental stage that goes on much longer than parents expect, until at least age 8 or 9,” says Patricia Sheets, a professor of counseling education at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. School-age children can fully grasp the fact that there are things in the world that can hurt them and that their parents can’t always protect them.

This is also the age when fears of something terrible happening to Mom or Dad surface. And, like an adult, a child between the ages of 5 and 8 may have trouble shutting off her mental review of the day and preview of tomorrow. She may come to you complaining of a scary noise, for instance, but what’s really scaring her might be a war or a shooting that’s in the news and that her classmates are talking about.

Your job over the next 10 years or so will be to help your child understand the difference between a real danger (accepting a ride from a stranger, or smoking cigarettes) and something that, disturbing though it may be, doesn’t present an immediate or personal threat (a war being waged 5,000 miles away).

What can I do to help my child get over his night fears?

You may not be able to help him resolve his fears right now, because it’s mostly a stage he’ll have to outgrow. But there’s a lot you can do to help him cope with his fears and get to sleep more easily. In the hours before bed, prime your child’s mood with upbeat, nonviolent stories or movies (even seemingly low-key books and movies may be too much for a child going through an extra fearful period).

At bedtime, stick to a peaceful routine – a shower or bath, a gentle story or a few poems (or 15 minutes of independent reading), and maybe a song and a couple of minutes of silent vigil with you sitting by the bed.

The soothing sameness of a bedtime ritual wards off evildoers and bad thoughts and eases the transition from wide awake to sound asleep. A night-light or two may also make your child feel more secure.

Leaving the bedroom door ajar, playing recordings of bedtime stories or soft music, and encouraging your grade-schooler to sleep with a beloved toy or blanket (reminding him he’s not too old for it) may help, too. If your child has a sibling or even a pet, letting them bunk together can make nighttime fears vanish as suddenly as they appeared.

If your child is afraid of being alone and is comforted only by contact with you, consider offering up a virtual you, in the form of a two-way monitor or a set of walkie-talkies. This allows your child to talk into the monitor and hear you talk back, reassuring him that you – and he – are still safe and sound and giving him some measure of control that, in itself, is comforting.

Also: If you don’t mind having your child sleep with you for a while, until his nighttime fears subside and he’s off to another developmental challenge, don’t worry about doing it. As long as everyone’s happy and rested, this is time well spent.

Some grade-schoolers respond well to visualization and other relaxation techniques, and this is a good opportunity to teach him this lifetime skill (before he thinks it’s just too weird to try). Have him close his eyes and take deep breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth. Ask him to travel in his imagination to the most beautiful and peaceful place he’s ever seen.

If it’s a sunny beach, prompt him to imagine feeling the sand sift between his toes and the hot sun on his face. Tell him that he can go to this place in his mind whenever he chooses, whether it’s at night when he’s fretting over something or at school when he’s nervous about a test.

Before lights-out, perhaps while you’re snuggling with him at bedtime, try to get your child to talk about what’s on his mind. Open-ended questions (“How was your day, honey?”) will get you nowhere. So try something like, “What was the best, worst, and weirdest part of your day?”

When an answer opens a floodgate of concerns, don’t just tell him not to worry. Instead, listen to what he has to say. You could even help him write his worries down. It seems simplistic, but getting these thoughts out of his head and onto the paper can help ease their load.

How can I tell whether my child’s nighttime fears are abnormal?

If you’ve done everything you can to reassure your child and she’s still intensely fearful, her fears may have crossed the line from a normal developmental issue to a phobia or anxiety problem, and you’ll need to get some help for her.

Signs of a phobia include crying and carrying on that repeatedly lasts more than a few minutes