Battling through life as a single mother

Surviving as a single mother isn’t easy, you need to be very resileint. PHOTO I COURTESY

What you need to know:

These are women who have had to take on the role of mother and father in raising their children.

It was June 18, the global day for celebrating fathers called father’s day, different posts on social media platforms were awash with heart-warming appreciation to fathers. However, I also came across some other posts which celebrated women, single mothers.

These are women who have had to take on the role of mother and father in raising their children.

It was intriguing that on a special day designated for celebrating fathers, there were some single mothers who were being celebrated as well. Woman decided to talk to a few single mothers who laid bare the ups and downs of raising children as single parents.

Aisha Ramadhan, 26, is a correspondent at a local newspaper in Dar es Salaam. She is a single mother to Rehema, her one-year-old daughter. Working as a journalist, Aisha finds it hard to make ends meet, owing to the dismal pay she receives as an unemployed correspondent.

According to the young mother, her boyfriend agreed to be responsible for the pregnancy, but then decided to walk away from her life and she hasn’t heard from him ever since.

“We dated for three years before I found out I was pregnant. Though he told me he was not ready to become a father, he still insisted we keep the baby. I was heartbroken when four months later he decided to move on with his life and told me to never look for him,” says Aisha.

She says that it was never easy to manage hospital bills. After she gave birth she had no money to cover hospital bills, her friends had to come to her rescue.

A tough time

Aisha’s predicament had just began, with a baby come a host of expenses. The young mother couldn’t afford to buy food and clothes for her daughter. With her job, her pay depended on how many stories she wrote, because of her pregnancy, it reached a time when she couldn’t write anymore, so this meant that she had no income.

“I decided to talk to the shopkeeper next to my house, begging him to give me food on credit, when I get money I pay him back. This really helped me, though at times I become a bit hesitant to go and ask for food on credit,” she says.

As a means of generating extra income now that the expenses are mounting, Aisha decided to start an ice cream business at her one rented room in Temeke. She made ice creams at night and left them with the house girl to sell the following day.

“Being a single mother has never been easy, I am currently thinking how I will manage the situation once my daughter reaches the right age to start studying,” says Aisha, adding, “I hope to get another source of income to help with the expenses.”

According to the information from seleni.org single motherhood comes with a unique set of emotional challenges that can, at times, feel overwhelming.

The website shows that, the challenges one faces as a single mother are from self-doubt and anxiety over money to the stress of making decisions alone are best understood by women who share them.

Suzzane Chambon, 32, is a business woman and a single mother of two children, Peter, 7 years old and Harrison, 4 years old. Just like Aisha, Suzzane was abandoned by the father of her children. She, however, can manage to provide for her family.

“It was never easy in the beginning but I had to stand my ground to make things work better for me. I had to go back home and ask for forgiveness from my parents,” says Suzzane.

Suzzane made the decision to go back home after realising that things weren’t going well for her. This was when her first son turned one. “I had to go back home where I never wanted to go after I was thrown out after my parents realised I was pregnant,” she notes.

She says that her mother was quick to forgive her, however it took a while for her father to accept her back in his house. It took about two months for him to accept her situation.

After being forgiven, Suzzane’s father called for a family meeting and invited her together with her son to move back in to the house and she was given Sh3,000,000 to start her business of importing clothes and shoes from Uganda and selling them in Tanzania.

“I had no words to thank my parents enough. I promised not to fail them again with the second chance they blessed me with. And since then everything is moving nicely,” she says.

Two years later Suzzane the father of her second son Harrison. After a year of dating she became preganant. He was not happy with the pregnancy, he wanted them to wait a little before starting a family.

According to the mother of two, since she was financially stable, she decided to keep the pregnancy. However, in as much as the baby’s father calls to greet him, he doesn’t provide any finacial support.

A challenging task

It is very challenging to do everything all alone. Managing to raise boys as a single mother is not easy. “My social life is completely affected with parenting as I have to be extra careful to make sure I raise good boys that will turn out to be good husbands and responsible fathers when they grow up,” Suzzane says.

Sociologist Mbago Urio based in Morogoro, says that raising a child alone needs one to accept the challenge and deal with it in a more mature manner that is filled with positivity in order to make sure things are okay at home.

He says that, majority of single mothers in developing countries are stressed due to financial constraints, leading to anxiety. This at times can degrade to a level where a single mother starts abusing her child out of frustration.

The sociologist says that a woman might find herself mistreating her children without her knowledge. It is very important for single mothers especially those who are not single mothers by choice to get emotional support to make sure they raise their children in a positive way.

“Failure to meet basic needs by a single mother, and lack of support from a male partner and family members has a lot to do with stress among women who are raising children on their own. They feel left out by the world and have nowhere to turn to,” Urio says.

Adding to that he notes that children whose parents raised them alone are in higher danger of performing poorly in class and even socially. Lack of support from a male partner leads to a mother working long hours.

This results to lack of time to talk to children and further leads to less attention given to the children.

Studies have shown that single mothers by choice are generally well-educated women in professional occupations who become mothers in their late ages. This is caused by a number of factors, owing to the life choices of the woman in question.

Reports further shows that, despite having chosen to parent alone, majority of solo mothers do so not by choice, but because they do not have a current partner and feel that time is running out for them to have a child.

Many single mothers by choice report that they would have preferred to have children within a traditional family setting but could not wait any longer because of their increasing age and associated fertility decline.

Pastor Antony Lusajo of the Pentecost Church in Tabata says that, raising a child alone is not God’s plan however it is important for parents to talk to their children on the importance of waiting for the right time to start a family.

Religious leaders should also preach more about self worth to help youth involve themselves more with their studies rather than indulge relationships with studies – a habit that costs them at the end of the day.

Pastor Lusajo says that parents have a big role to play in aligning the right path for their children. Parents should act as good examples. If parents try to resolve their internal conflicts amicably without leading to divorce, then children will understand the unity and love that exists in a united family setup.