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 By Sharifa Kalokola
The modern man has his own perspective when it comes to dating. The way he behaves leaves women baffled and thinking that he is the most mysterious creature on earth. It is easy to misunderstand him because he will often hide his true colours. This week, we attempt to debunk the myths that have swirled around this mysterious creature for years. And to reveal to our sisters the true nature of their fathers, brothers and husbands.
Men love the chase
One of the biggest misconceptions out there is that men love to chase women and are titillated by women who are hard to get.
Godfrey Msangi, a 28 year-old engineer, is a single man who does not mind being approached by a woman. “As long as I know her background, I don’t mind. I believe that when a woman tells me that she is interested, she really means it,” he says. For Godfrey, gone are the days when he would chase a woman for a year waiting for her to say yes. “Of course I do enjoy the flirting but I have a limit. Excessive chasing bores me. If a woman does not show interest I look for another option,” he says.
Men and women can’t be friends
The notion that a man and a woman can be ‘just friends’ is debatable and indeed, has been debated endlessly. But apparently, the rule that men and women cannot be friends without sexual tension does not apply to some. As more women are interacting with men in the workplace, on public transport and in social gatherings, randomly ignited sexual tension is becoming a thing of the past.
Sudi Baraka, a 33-year-old banker, has many female friends who he treats just like he does his male friends. “I have so many close girlfriends and I would never contemplate being intimate with them. Besides their physical appearance they are no different from my male friends,” he says. Baraka admits sleeping with some of his female friends in the past, but he says he was never in love with them. Whether that is a good or bad thing is also up for debate.
Independent women emasculate men
Some men are still intimidated by independent women but most are not – after all, it is the 21st Century. In this post-girl-power era, where many women have college degrees and well paying jobs, many men have no options but to date and/or marry an educated, career woman. Even though some men want to be seen as good providers, they are proud to see their partners living fulfilling lives.
Today, given the harsh economic climate, young men would do well to find wives who can contribute to the family kitty. Issa Khalid is a 35-year-old medical doctor who is proud of his wife Sarah, a 32-year-old accountant. Issah met Sarah two years ago when she was living in her own house. He admired the way she handled her life without help from a man. “There is mutual respect even though she earns more. I feel secure with her because she can take care of the family even if I were to die,” he says. However, Issah admits that sometimes he feels lonely when his busy wife travels on business for weeks at a time. “Still, I like a woman who has her own life, so that I can have some time with my boys,” Issa who is a kickboxing fanatic says.
He won’t respect you if you sleep with him on the first date
Keeping your legs together after a first date with a handsome man with a silver tongue is not easy for some women. And it has been a popular belief that men do not value women who they sleep with at the first instance. These days however, there are men who will respect a woman even after ‘doing the do’ on the first date. “For me, the timing of the first sexual encounter with a woman does not mean anything - what matters to me is having safe sex,” says Peter Mwaimu, a student at the University of Dar es Salaam. Mwaimu also says that it is important to talk about sex before having it. “Sex creates a certain bond so it’s better to discuss your reasons for doing it and also to ensure that both of you are protected,” he says.
Men are attracted by women’s looks
Women spend a lot of money upgrading their wardrobes, doing their hair and buying beauty enhancing facial products. Many of us spend valuable time looking in the mirror and agonising over how we look. The question is, do men really care about all that? Nelson Banda, a 30-year-old sales person, says that he notices when a woman has gone overboard in her attempt to look pretty. “Of course the make-up, mascara and fake eye lashes make a woman attractive. But to me, personality matters more than appearance. A woman could dress in a potato sack but if she behaves in a manner that appeals to me I will be even more attracted to her,” he says. For Banda, beauty on the inside matters more than a woman’s outward appearance.
Men are emotionless
Men can look as energetic as gorillas but inside, they can be as fragile as ants. Even though they might not shed tears in public, they still have feelings. Men carry emotional burdens as much as women do. 28-year old George Njisya says he hides a lot of emotions because of the societal expectation that a man has to be tough. “I do feel bad when I’m the butt of people’s jokes. And I get hurt when my girlfriend does not respond to my texts, but I tend to hide it especially when I think she is fishing to find my weakness.”
He is interested in your past
In this dynamic world, it is possible for a woman to date more than 10 men before tying the knot. But does her past matter to the modern man? For Adam Njau, a 35-year-old mechanic, a woman’s past is of no consequence. “I don’t really want to know about your past because some things are better off kept to yourself. I get turned-off when my girlfriend talks about how her exes did her wrong. I prefer talking about us,” Njau says.
Guys have to win every argument
Contrary to popular belief; guys don’t have to win every debate.
In Tanzanian tradition, women have been raised to be submissive and to accept that men have the final say. But today, there are modern men like Adam Njau who listen to their women’s opinions and are ready to be challenged. “If she is right, she does not have to give in. We can have tough conversations as long as we remain logical about it,” Njau says.
Men hate commitment
Finding a man to marry has never been easy. Nowadays, more and more women are resorting to trapping men with pregnancies and so on because they are afraid that without the proper incentive, men will not commit. But while men may appear to prize freedom and independence above all else, in their heart-of-hearts they truly value loyalty. 32-year-old Eric Mwaimale says men who do not want to commit are simply not in love with the woman who is seeking that commitment. “We make excuses like ‘I am not ready’, which simply means that I’m not ready to spend the rest of my life with you in particular, but when I find the right woman, I will be.”
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