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 By Cuthbert Mahimbo
He is a man she has always wanted to have; charming, intelligent, smart, focused, up-to-date and of course handsome. Whenever she thinks of him she smiles - her dream has come true. Joyce Sigomba, a personal secretary at a loans firm in Dar es Salaam is crazy in love with Victor, a man she has known for about six months now. The two met at a wedding reception when they shared a table with mutual friends.
Making small talk, Joyce commented on the groom’s suit and colour combination, directing her conversation at Victor. By the end of the reception, the two became friends, more so because they realised that they didn’t live far off from each other.
Joyce still lives with her parents in Kijitonyama and Victor lives alone in a two bedroom house just three streets away – but the two had never met before.
The wedding reception brought them together and from then on, the bond between them continued to grow. Every weekend Joyce would visit Victor, cook for him and then they would watch movies together. On some days, he would take her out for dinner.
In her heart, the 26-year-old was sure that Victor loved her and that he was going to propose marriage. She built her hopes up waiting for that day with patience.
However, for Victor, Joyce had always been a friend and a companion. He was not in love with her but he loved her company. Joyce could not accept that and a few months down the line, they stopped hanging out together. She has not recovered from what she feels was some kind of emotional torture. “I came to realise that he did not love me at all even though he was not in a relationship with any woman. I was not his choice. I still don’t know what I did to deserve the dumping,” she says.
Gentlemen treating women like ladies
Joyce is just one among many young women who suffer from being in relationships that do not exist. Their love lives have been ruined by noble men who treat them like ladies even when they don’t have any feelings for them. Every once in a while, a woman will find a man who will take good care of her just because he enjoys being around her and values her friendship. Not every man wants to be romantically or sexually linked to a woman, but unfortunately that is what most women believe.
Just a month ago, Martha Jacob, a 23-year-old university student was crying on her sister’s shoulder when she realised that the man she had been attached to for months on campus was not that into her. Martha was crying for many reasons, not least of all was the fact that she had told all her friends that they were dating. “It’s hard to believe that he doesn’t want to go out with me despite all the wonderful moments that we have shared in the past three months,” says Martha who is now recovering from the heartbreak.
It’s not all about sex
Relationship experts will tell you that when women fall in love, they want to tell the whole world about it. The tendency to share news of a relationship prematurely has left many in tears. But the world has changed. Today there are men out there who would not ask a female friend for sex, despite many hours spent together in closed quarters.
Before making their approach, modern men take their time to study a woman, keeping her close before they make a move to keep her or to ditch her. Unfortunately for this special breed, women still believe that when a man spends that much time with you, he likes you. Ask any woman and she will tell you that when a man chooses to be around you more than he does other women, the journey to a long term relationship has begun. In this day and age, that assumption often leads to heartbreak.
Getting caught in the age old trap
Martin Bonga is a 32-year-old civil engineer at an international construction company in Dar es Salaam. Sharing his story Bonga says he used to be close to a certain woman whom he loved as a friend.
“For the few months that I was close to her, I never said I was in love with her. To me she was a close friend,” he says. But the feeling was different on the other side; the woman thought Bonga was just taking his time and would propose to her in the near future, so she built her hopes up waiting for that moment to arrive. Instead, Bonga introduced her to his girlfriend.
That’s when the problems started. “She cried and blamed me for being unfair to her, but as far as I’m concerned things were clear from the beginning,” says Bonga who is now married.
Taking care to choose the right woman
Though Bonga does not reveal why he chose another woman instead of the close friend he had been spending time with for months, having spoken to him, it is safe to say that he is a man who chooses with care to minimise the risk of making a mistake.
Modern men tend to read a woman carefully before taking any action. Even sex is not a priority because the ‘horizontal indulgence’ can bring momentary pleasure but has the potential to cause long running problems
“Once you take a woman to bed she will begin to think that there is something there, even if you have no feelings whatsoever. If you are a gentleman you will feel bad knowing that you slept with her with no intention of taking things further; knowing that she is not your ultimate choice,” says Daniel Kweka from Dar es Salaam.
But why are women so dependent on men for romance? Why do we assume that a man loves you just because he is close to you and takes good care of you? Perhaps it is African culture, which frowns on women who make the first move in matters of the heart. “If we were taught to open our hearts from the beginning we would not be in a position to be hurt,” says Monica Dawson, a student at the University of Dar es Salaam.
According to Monica, women have to rely on non-verbal communication and men are very good at ignoring signals. “Sometimes actions speak louder than words. It’s easy to see that someone loves you so men should take the blame for leading women on,” she says.
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