When it comes to friendship, we all know that finding the perfect balance when dishing out advice is not a piece of cake. You want to be able to tell your friend anything, especially if you feel that she is making a mistake, but you also don’t want to reprimand them hard so they never share their problems again.

Somehow I have become the de facto therapist amongst my girlfriends. And it’s not my expertise that keeps my pals hooked on my dating advice, because honestly I am not that lucky when it comes to keeping guys and tend to preach water and drink wine.

I don’t even follow my own advice. On many occasions, I have disagreed with them and they even hated me. After all the hair pulling and name calling, they still come calling for my advice. I wish I didn’t have to deal with their problems because I have my own to deal with. I have learnt over the years that when it comes to giving advice to friends, there are simple, yet crucial, do’s and don’ts.

More listening and less speaking
I grew up with a lot of male influence, so my immediate reaction to any problem is to start dishing out possible solutions to fix the problem. But when it comes to my girls I have learnt that listening before acting or dishing out solutions is the way to go.

I had a friend who was stuck in a very sticky place, she was cohabiting with a guy who not only abused her emotionally but also drained her financially. She would come to me for advice and I would tell her to leave him but she defended him.

In the end I decided not to give any more advice. It didn’t take long before she left him. Sometimes a girl just needs to vent. Sometimes seeing your problem from someone else’s eye helps put things in perspective, so before you chime in with your opinions, let your girl get it all out. I have to resist the stereotypically male urge to fix the problem or offer solutions instead of simply listening and giving the kind of “summing up” feedback that makes friends feel like you get them.

Do share your related personal experiences
In times of romantic strife, we all want to know that someone else out there did something just as dumb or dumber than you did.

There is solace in knowing you are not alone. So if you can relate to a friend’s situation and put your friend’s mind at ease, you should; let them know that they are not the only one who’s been through what they’re going through. Just don’t hijack the conversation and make it all about you, using your relationship or personal experience as “the right way” to do things. Sharing your experience is helpful, but stay away from being too specific or hypercritical

Don’t judge
I have learnt not to judge anyone, especially my friends. No matter how stupid or muddy a situation my friends find themselves in, they know I will never be quick to judge. Your friend is coming to you for help - not judgment. So, if she asks you if she should hook up with an ex that treated her like crap, you shouldn’t criticize her for even thinking about it. Instead, explain why it’s not a good idea.

One of my best friends thinks my life is a bed of roses because I never go to her for advice. But the reality is that I do have problems but I go to other friends for advice. I love her and trust her 100 per cent, but she is very judgmental and will judge you based on her standards. She will not hesitate to blame you for getting yourself into the situation. When a friend is in a sticky situation, it’s easy to see the flaws and immediately point them out, but try and empathise with the person you are advising, put yourself in their position and offer generic advice that is beneficial to everyone. 

Don’t speak about your friends to others
I can’t stress this enough; don’t air your friend’s dirty laundry in public unless you want to end up hating each other. I have had to deal with this countless times. I am not saying I have never been guilty of it, if anything keeping a secret was a challenge for me until recent years. I had to learn how to be a friend and a confidant.

Your friend might seem like an open book with her problems, but that’s because she trusts you. You - not the rest of the world. Don’t assume that she’s shared her woes with your other friends, and keep her secrets in the vault unless she tells you otherwise. Earn your friends trust .

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