| In abusive relationship? Silence is not a solution | Send to a friend |
| Sunday, 29 January 2012 08:20 |
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By Winnie Kitetu He seemed like a perfect gentleman. He was attentive, polite, and gentle. The few months that you dated before getting married were not perfect, but he did not do anything to make you doubt that he would make a good husband, and so you got married. When he insulted you, then hit you that first time, you were taken by surprise — and thus started the cycle of physical and emotional assault that you have learnt to endure. Why did you not see him for what he was? You keep asking yourself. The answer is that you cannot single out an abusive person just from their appearance. Here are some of the characteristics of an abusive person: Low self-esteem Even though most abusers come across as tough, strong, and confident, more often than not, they suffer from low self-esteem.They are emotionally needy, dependent, and the thought of losing you makes them controlling. Rush into relationships Many victims of abuse date their abuser for less than six months before getting married or moving in together. They are forceful and will pressure and do everything in their power to make you to commit to a relationship. Excessively jealous Jealousy is not a sign of love, rather of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, couples trust each other unless one of them has done something to break that trust. Controlling Often, at the beginning, an abuser will justify his behaviour as concern for you. He will be unjustifiably angry if you are late for a date, or going home, and when you receive a phone call, will demand to know who the person is, and the kind of relationship you have. Poor communication skills Abusive people typically have a problem with showing or talking about their feelings. They are evasive, and “closed”. May abuse drugs In general, abusers have a higher incidence of drug and alcohol abuse than non-violent people. Blame others for their actions Commonly, abusers use the actions of others as excuses for their behaviour. How often have victims heard “Why did you make me do that”? What to do: Make a concerted effort to make your relationship work. Your spouse may not know that he has a problem, but if he values you and your relationship, he will be willing to do whatever it takes to improve, including going for counselling. ENDS The writer is a clinical psychologist. Email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites           |
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