Single mothers and children with special needs

To any woman, having a baby is a great moment in life. That is because a mother feels it as a blessing, a new hope, and a new dream fulfilled. It is an indescribable moment. If in this world, there is a measure of the greatest joy (to any woman), it is that moment of having a new baby. However, the moment of giving birth to a child is often a matter of life and death.

Every woman wishes to bear a normal and healthy child. However, they say life is neither a bed of roses nor thorns. Life is associated with challenges alongside enjoyable and positive experiences. Yes, becoming a mother is a great joy, but it can come with health challenges (like blood cancer) or a might be born with special needs (cannot see, hear, or walk like normal children).

Identifying children with special needs can be done during learning or developmental stages. For instance, in verbal expression, fine and gross motor skills (movements of limbs, and hand-eye coordination). Likewise, children with health problems are diagnosed at hospitals at early or later stages in their development process. Bearing a child with challenges may cause social isolation, rejection, and family breakups. Family breakups are increasing in our community.

Recently, I visited Muhimbili National Hospital (MNH), where my friend’s daughter was admitted after being diagnosed with blood cancer (leukaemia). Very unfortunately, she passed away on Wednesday.

Leukemia is a blood cancer disease reported to be more common in adults aged 55 years and older but also affects children under 15 years old in developing countries like Tanzania. During my visit to Upendo ward, MNH, I had the opportunity to exchange views (at different times) with two women. I sadly realised that their families broke up after their children were diagnosed with cancer. One woman quoted her husband as saying, “That child is yours, and you can find yourself where you can throw him”…”to-date, those words are like someone is piercing my heart with a spear.”

In our families, a father has to provide all kinds of support and encouragement to his family (wife and child) without being a heartbreaker. No wonder, Dalai Lama once said, “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”

After hearing those two stories, I connected the dots with another story shared by a single mother after I met her sometimes back in Dar es Salaam. She was a single mother, who broke up with her husband after he noticed that their son had special needs.

 Some psychologists have indicated that “when you have a child with special needs, your marriage is much more likely to be stressed.” That may consequently lead to a family breakup.

Studies show that the rate of family breakup in those families having a child with special needs may be as high as 87 percent. Such a family breakup may increase the number of single mothers. Other reasons for becoming a single mother may include decease (a husband), abandonment, rape, or single-person adoption.

Studies show that children with special needs are more likely to live with a single mother (or grandmother) than normal children, as they often care for them.

Dear men, remember that you are the head of the family (father to your children, and husband to your wife). Be there with your family in all circumstances (during happiness and hardship), never break up because your child has special needs or has been diagnosed with a particular disease. Anne Geddes said, “Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” So, stop being a father and start being a dad to your children!!

Dr. Saumu Jumanne is a Lecturer at Dar es Salaam University College of Education (DUCE).