PARENTING : How to build a child’s self-esteem

       Parents of grade-schoolers hear a lot about the importance of helping their child develop self-esteem, but what is it, really? Self-esteem is your sense of worth as a person – unrelated to particular talents or personality traits.

“Self-esteem comes from having a sense of belonging,” says family therapist Jane Nelsen, co-author of the Positive Discipline series, “and knowing our contributions are valued and worthwhile.”

Here are some ways you can nurture your child’s self-esteem.

Give love unconditionally: A child’s self-esteem flourishes with the kind of no-strings-attached devotion that says, “I love you, no matter what you do.” Your child benefits the most when you accept him for who he is, regardless of his strengths, difficulties, temperament, or abilities.

Listen attentively: Put your phone aside long enough to give your child your undivided attention and answer her questions. Eye contact lets her know that you’re really listening to what she’s saying. This does wonders for your child’s feelings of self-worth because it shows her that you think she’s important.

Encourage healthy risk-taking

Inspire your child to explore something new, such as trying a different food, making a new friend, or riding a skateboard. (Activities that promote cooperation rather than competition are especially helpful for building self-esteem.) Though there’s always the possibility of failure, without risk there’s little opportunity for success.

You’ll build his self-esteem by prioritising his need to tackle new tasks.

Let failure happen: The flip side of taking risks is that your child is bound to fail from time to time. If she can’t master that difficult skateboard trick she’s been working on, praise her for trying and encourage her to keep at it. Your constructive feedback and appreciation of her efforts can offset any sense of embarrassment or failure she might be feeling, and this can help her move ahead feeling motivated and optimistic. With this approach, your child will start to accept setbacks as a normal part of life and learning.

Children learn by example, so be aware of your own response to setbacks. When you fail or make a mistake, admit it, advises Daniel Meier, assistant professor of elementary education at San Francisco State University. Acknowledging and recovering from your mistakes sends a powerful message to your child – it makes it easier for her to accept her own difficulties.

Celebrate the positive: Acknowledge the ways your child contributes to the family. Congratulate him when he does his chores without prompting. When you sit down to dinner, say, “Thank you for setting the table!” This will enhance his sense of self-worth while letting him know exactly what he did right.

Empathise: If your child needs to talk, tune in to her feelings and let her know that you understand and respect her views. She needs to know that her thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions matter.

Help her get comfortable with her emotions by labeling them. Say, “I understand you’re sad because you can’t go to the birthday party.” Accepting her emotions without judgment validates her feelings and shows that you care about what she has to say. You can also share similar experiences from your own childhood to show your child that you understand where she’s coming from.

Resist comparisons

It’s human nature to wonder how your child compares to other kids and worry whether he’s keeping up, but remember that comparisons are meaningless because your child is a unique individual. Comments such as “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Why can’t you be nice like Evan?” just remind your child of how he struggles in a way that fosters shame, envy, and competition.

If your child compares himself unfavourably to his siblings or peers (“Why can’t I throw a football like Nicholas?”), show him empathy and then emphasise one of his strengths. Say, “You’re right. Nicholas is good at throwing a football. And you’re a fast runner.”

And if he goes into a tailspin of negativity and self-doubt, help him see things in a more realistic light. Say something like, “You’re a good student, you just have trouble with math. Let’s work on it together and see if we can figure it out.” Help your child realise that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that he doesn’t have to be perfect to feel good about himself.