PARENTING : Why children ignore their parents

You ask your grade-schooler to put away his construction set, but he continues building bridge after tunnel after roadway. Or you tell him to hang up his towel after showering – but he leaves it lying in a heap on the bathroom floor. Why is he ignoring you?

Two things may be going on here: Grade-schoolers can be so intensely focused on play that they’re unable to make room for your requests.

On the other hand, children this age are developing their own opinions about you – and your “stupid” rules – and it’s much easier to simply ignore you than it is to resist or concede. The key is getting your grade-schooler to cooperate while giving him space to practice his independence.

What to do when she ignores you

Be clear and realistic. Make sure your requests are specific and doable. If you say, “clean the garage,” your child may manage to push the clutter around a bit. But he’ll know exactly what to do when you say, “Please sweep the floor and stack the newspapers in a neat pile for recycling.”.

Try to be specific about the time frame, too. It’s better to tell him to be in bed by nine than to warn him not to stay up too late – after all, chances are good that his definition of too late is different from yours! Some tasks can still seem pretty daunting to a child this age, and it’s easy to assume that grade-schoolers know more than they actually do. It might help to lead him through a big job for the first time.

For example, if he’s never weeded the flowerbed before, show him how to differentiate the bad guys from the heirloom wildflowers and how to pull them up by the roots. Not only does this provide real bonding time for you and your grade-schooler, but the next time you ask him to weed there’ll be no doubt in your mind that he knows how.

Your child may be ignoring you because she doesn’t understand what you want her to do. Keep your directives simple, with no more than three or four steps at most. (“Please go upstairs to the bathroom, look in the cabinet above the sink, and bring me the bandages.”)

Follow through

If you ask your child to get dressed before school, encourage every step he makes toward that goal. If he refuses, simply lead him to the car with shoes in hand. When you ask him not to bounce the ball in the house and he keeps using the walls as a backboard, take the toy away from him until he’s ready to cooperate.

Motivate your child

The truth is, we’re all tempted to answer “because I said so!” when our youngster baits us once too often. But there are better ways to motivate your child to cooperate with your requests. Try to remember that you don’t want her to do the right thing because she’s afraid not to. You want her to do the right thing because she wants to.

Grade-schoolers love to please, so compliments and encouragement will go a long way toward getting yours to comply with your wishes. You might also give your child an incentive for following directions: “When you put the puzzle pieces back in the box, we can go shoot some hoops.” (Hint: Don’t say, “If you put the puzzle pieces in the box.”)

A child this age may also get a kick out of having a written contract that states: “Sarah will hang up her towel and put her clothes in the hamper every time she takes a shower. When she has done this for seven days in a row, Mom will take her swimming with a friend.”

Sign it, let her colour it or add computer graphics, and then post the contract where she can see it. She’ll not only feel included in the process, she’ll appreciate the level of responsibility the contract bestows on her.

Use alternatives to saying no

If your child ignores you when you tell him no, maybe it’s because he hears it too often. Try other approaches.

Rather than barking, “No! Don’t kick the ball in the kitchen,” for instance, say, “Playing ball isn’t an indoor activity. You can play ball outside or find a different game to play indoors.” When you give your child a choice, you’re giving him a chance to assert himself in an acceptable way.

Say yes whenever you can and take every opportunity to encourage rather than dissuade him. If he’s excited about the idea of painting his own room, for instance, respond by saying, “Sure, you can try!” or “Daddy will help you.” These both sound a lot more positive than saying, “I don’t think so.”

Naturally, there will be plenty of times when you have to be firm about stopping him from eating sweets before dinner or playing computer games until midnight. The point is, choose your battles and put your foot down only when you must.

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