Getting torn between family and career

Back in the 1940s-1950s, majority of women used to stay at home and take care of their families. They didn’t have access to education compared to men; as a result, very few women became career oriented.

Different movements and campaigns to empower the girl child soon after independence brought positive changes and now women are also able to go to school and can at least have a voice and decide things on their own.

However, in as much as today’s woman is free to decide things on her own, is able to work and participate in crucial matters, there is still that lingering obligation of taking care of the family that often times curtails a woman’s career ambitions and progress.

Woman brings you interviews from women who had to quit their jobs or careers and sacrifice their dreams to take care of their families.

In her pink blouse and a black skirt at her home in Kinondoni, Judith Maina, 35, is busy walking around the house as she tries to feed her 2 year old son who can’t eat while immobile. 

This is the daily routine that Judith has to go through so as to achieve the duty of feeding her son. Judith is one of many mothers who decided to quit their job to take care of their family. 

According to Judith, a married woman and a mother of three children, the task of feeding her children never gets easier. It is one of many tasks that she has to accomplish on a daily basis.

“My job had a lot of challenges which included meeting tight deadlines and working under pressure at a very low salary since I was not on a permanent scheme,” says Judith, continuing, “as if that was not enough, I had to work extra hours, during the holidays, weekends and even when I was at home. All this just to make sure the deadlines are met.”

Sharing her experience, Judith says she had to quit her job a year ago to become a stay at home mother to make sure she gets enough time to support the well being of her family. This was prompted by the bad experience of living with bad house help who used to eat meals meant for the babies, she also used to mistreat the children.

In trying to make the situation a bit better, Judith once decided to add extra budget for food to allow a lot of food per intake to make it easy for the house help to eat as much as she could and still get enough food for the children.

“At least the food idea worked but still the house help would beat the children. Since I couldn’t condone such a situation, I had to resign from my work to take care of the family,” says Judith.

She says that, even with the minimal pay she got from her job, the little money still helped her a lot with supporting her husband on taking care of family needs. Currently the family only depends on her husband’s salary.

Managing finances

Depending on one salary can be very tough. “We’ve had to make some budget changes, but with time I will be able to start my own business to support the family,” she speaks. Judith plans to start her own business once her last born turns 6 years old.

She says that, even with the limited income, the children are now happy and confident compared to the times when Judith used to work. Dinner is served at 07:00pm and she always sends her children to bed at 08:00pm every day after night prayers. Unlike when she used to work, her children used to sleep late as she also used to come home late from work.

According to todaysparent.com, there is a lot of pressure on mothers today. There are expectations that women are to be there 100 per cent for their children, and there are expectations that they will push forward with advancing their careers.

Those conflicting ideals can weigh heavily on a mother who is torn between her career and her children. The decision to work or stay home with the children will affect many people, but it is important to think hard about what will make you most happy, not what you think should make you happy.

The website suggests picturing your days in both scenarios if you are working, you will have the benefit of camaraderie, lunch breaks and drinking coffee while it is hot. As a stay-at-home mother, you will have more freedom on one level, but your days will revolve around nap times, meals and play dates.

   Being at home with your kids all day is challenging in a way you can only understand after you’ve done it, and for some, it takes a toll on their mental health.  A 2012 Gallup poll conducted in the US found stay-at-home mothers worried more and experienced more sadness and depression than those who were employed.

Linda Duxbury, who researches work-life balance at Carleton University in Ottawa, says women who quit their jobs to focus on their kids suffer from what she calls the “all my eggs in one basket” phenomenon.

“The more meaningful roles you have in your life, the more likely it is that if something is going wrong in one role, something else will be going well in another,” reads part of the online material

For the sake of your children

Paula Shirima concurs with Judith’s situation. She believes that a woman will never experience the meaning of true love until she has a child of her own. She says that, once you become a mother there is nothing that can hold you back from doing whatever it takes to make sure your children are in safe hands even if it is risking your life.

   She quit her banking job after changing more than three house helps in just a month after she was transferred from Dar es Salaam to Tabora. She had to move with her two children to Tabora and leave her husband in Dar es Salaam.

Paula did have a good house help when she was living and working in Dar es Salaam. But it was never easy getting another house help who would take care of her children compared to the one who used to work with her in the city but couldn’t move with her to Tabora.

“In just a month I changed multiple house helps and got tired of searching for new ones each time. One day I just woke up and packed my bags and came back to Dar es Salaam. A week later I resigned from my banking job, an act which didn’t please my father because it cost him a lot to educate me,” Paula speaks, adding, “none of my colleagues and even my husband expected I could easily let go of my job for the sake of my children. But here I am, very happy and a proud mother of two children,” says Paula.

Paula further says that as a way of supporting her husband in generating family income, she grows vegetables in their compound and sells them around her neighbourhood.

“Though I am not making a lot of money from my new business, the little that is generated is put to good use. I don’t regret that I left a well-paying job for the sake of my family,” says Paula.

Talking about the impact her decision has had on her family, Paula says that, her house is now clean and has a sense of a pure home.

She says that back then she would do general cleaning once every month. These days she does major cleaning every Saturday. She also gets enough time to deal with social gatherings which she never used to attend due to limited time.

Anna Mbaga, a nurse at the Arafa dispensary in Tabata Segerea and a mother of two children aged 6 and 2 years old, agrees with the idea of quitting your busy schedule to take care of family, but thinks that it is better to manage your career along with your family.

“My family comes first, if I was to choose. But still, it is better if there are two sources of income in the family to support the daily expenses and also ensure that children will acquire a good education. 

Anna says that she has no choice but to adhere to her working environment to sustain a better living. Her job includes night shifts but she has no plans of quitting until she gets enough money to start her own business that will generate a good amount of money. Whenever Anna has a problem with the house help, she takes her children to her auntie who lives in the same street as them. This is a coping mechanism she has adopted to stay aloft the busy times. 

It has never been easy for Anna to balance between family and career; most times you have to choose between the two. But she urges women not to stop trying. Having a good income as well as being there for your family is what every woman desires. It is mothers who are expected to take care of children, so tough decisions have to be made.

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