If only our foreheads had labels

What you need to know:

Trouble is it isn’t so, we are left to rely on other techniques to figure out what the people we engage with really are like on the inside. For us to get to know what someone is really like is a journey, one of discovery, and like with every journey, it takes time, there are many curves, corners, or what we would say in Kiswahili ‘milima and mabonde’. I quite like the description in Kiswahili the best because it really encapsulates the reality of the process of getting to know people.

I have wished many times that we could somehow have labels on our foreheads that served as an introduction or warning to all and sundry. Labels saying for example, genuine, honest, sincere, liar, untrustworthy, gossiper, user, lazy, calculating, manipulative, whatever traits we embody as part of our personalities.

Trouble is it isn’t so, we are left to rely on other techniques to figure out what the people we engage with really are like on the inside. For us to get to know what someone is really like is a journey, one of discovery, and like with every journey, it takes time, there are many curves, corners, or what we would say in Kiswahili ‘milima and mabonde’. I quite like the description in Kiswahili the best because it really encapsulates the reality of the process of getting to know people.

In every sphere of our lives be it personal or work, we meet people and engage them on a regular basis and as we focus our energies on trying to build our careers and progress them, we rely heavily on building productive and positive relationships. Infact in leadership roles we rely more on our relational skills than any other skill to deliver desired outcomes through those we lead.

I am certain that each one of us can identify with a situation where we felt betrayed, let down, disappointed or put generally, negatively impacted by a relationship that went sour. The bare truth is that it deeply hurts and makes us feel ill prepared to face tomorrows with a positive outlook anymore.

I firmly believe that emotional pain is far worse than physical pain because there are many painkillers that will somewhat alleviate suffering from physical pain, pray what painkiller heals disappointment, a broken heart, a distraught spirit? And then the complexity of relations adds another torture dimension. How do you explain that a colleague you trusted stabbed you in the back or abused you in simplistic terms that brings understanding in a non-judgmental way? How do you explain that you’re locked out of career progression because you have refused to engage with the subtle yet lewd demands that your boss makes?

How do you intelligently explain how your boss pays you numerous compliments in private yet will put you down in conversations with peers in your absence? We are all but flesh and bones, irrespective of titles, roles or levels; this is a uniting challenge. How to keep positive and marching forward becomes our question. Here are some tips;

1. Trust your gut. When you meet a person and you sense something off about them, even if you can’t put your finger on it, believe your instinct.

2. Talk is cheap.Pay less attention to the words and note the actions. A common one in this era is “we are so busy to act”, truth is, we make time for what we prioritise. There is a message in there.

3. Keep your wits around you. Be cautious in your dealings with people when you first meet, observe them, test them before you take them into your inner sanctum.

4. If it is not something you would be happy being repeated in public or published on social media then do not say it, do not do it. Exercise this rule as much as you can.

5. Be selective about what you share. Not everybody needs to know that you and your spouse are in disagreement, or that your baby mama or daddy is this or that and however fascinating it is to share tales of how incredible your new found love is in matters bedroom, please desist!

6. Keep a journal, write down your thoughts about things that you wish to share but can’t, it allows you the space to launder and air your thoughts safely, and needless to say, keep the writings password protected.

7. If you must sleep with the boss, ensure you are crystal clear in your mind that you can live with the roughness that might ensue. Better still, steer clear of that lane, it is highly precarious.

8. Cry, yell, curse if that’s your thing, but do it in private. That way you have liberty to express your emotions as you wish and you have the comfort of controlling any narratives that might come out of that moment.

Truth be told, we will all end up in a bad situation every once in a while, we will be played, betrayed, lied to, used many times over, there is no way out, people are ugly as they are beautiful, it was so, is so and will be so. The key is to keep rolling with the punches and liberally exercising forgiveness. The pain will subside in time, but the lessons must remain!