Hussein the Uswaz wag has literally taken a dive into the bottle and this is killing his marriage to Aisha. The man has been seduced by the subtle glitz and glamour of cockroach-coloured bottles and women of varying degrees of ugliness and moral constitution that he has ran away from Aisha, his legally married woman. He adores devils inventions so much so that one can only pity him – he acts like the devil’s personal assistant.
What is even more heart-rending is that Hussein has taken to converting Asha into a punching bag. After his nocturnal escapades, he gets his kicks practicing his karate, judo, Shorinji and tae-kwo-ndo techniques on the poor woman. On my part, I may enjoy other devil’s inventions but hurting a woman is crass and certainly barbaric. Men only beat their women eons ago when our ancestors, known as Homo Erectus (no sexual connotation here) enjoyed barbequed dinosaurs for their lunch and dinner in the valleys of Olduvai Gorge before evolving to become me and you. My chum Winchinslauss Rwegoshora (PhD, MA, BA Dip UDSM), the man said to have ‘eaten’ more books at the university than the entire Uswaz put together argues that Hussein’s behaviour is an example inferiority complex inverted.
Why else would man with a “third leg” hurt a woman? On Hussein’s part, he argues that Aisha’s mouth can never say anything right at any time. He further argues that she literally grates his nerves with her ranting and naggings.
In her defense which I am reluctant to write here, she insists that he is an improvident loafer of the highest degree – he only comes home to fill his sack stomach for free. Whenever he has no money for a pint, he scrounges the house, turning everything upside-down to steal her jewelry which he converts into beer.
She further claims that she is so tired of sharing her matrimonial bed with mosquitoes and rats for Hussein has joined the list of truant husbands. In other words, she has been condemned to a complete sexual limbo. Aisha has even threatened to take a dive onto the bosom of younger man who has lately been showing her cunning interest.
The only reason she has not jumped onto it is because Hussein is reluctant to issue her with the third and final divorce chit as is the custom. I am told that to catch a thief, you need to send a thief and not. All ilk of religious leaders, ‘saints’ and people of reputable moral uprightness have taken a shot at rectifying Hussein to no avail. Bisho Ntongo and I have therefore been requested by the Uswaz to take over the task. In other words, we have been appointed to head the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) for the sake of the children. I have no formal education in counselling psychology but I will try nonetheless.