LIFE COACH: Do this to move past grudges

While we hear a lot about communication, trust, and compromise, there’s another important facet of relationship that doesn’t get the attention it deserves: forgiveness. No matter what kind of relationships it is you’re going to have to learn to let things go from time to time.

This is about letting go of a grudge you just can’t move past. So how can you move past a grudge? Here’s what you need to keep in mind:

Understand why you’re holding onto it in the first place

Understanding the power the grudge holds on you will help you move on. To begin with, grudges come with an identity. With our grudge intact, we know who we are—a person who was ‘wronged.’ As much as we don’t like it, there also exists a kind of rightness and strength in this identity. We have something that defines us—our anger and victimhood—which gives us a sense of solidness and purpose.

If you’re going to move past the grudge, it means accepting your identity as more than just the wronged person or the victim—and the person with the “moral high ground.” But there’s something freeing in redefining yourself on your own terms, rather than in relation to how other people have treated you.

Put the grudge into perspective

Think about the roots of the grudge and how they apply to your life now. Maybe your mother favored one of your siblings—but does that mean anything when you’re in your 30s? Maybe you were overlooked for a job at work—but won’t holding onto that resentment keep you from the next promotion? Maybe you and your partner had a disagreement early in your relationship—but haven’t they regained your trust in the past few years?

The truth is, besides that perverse feeling of satisfaction, holding onto grudges only serves to hold us back.