Do you know what your children do online?

The first thing Jessica Ruta*,14, a Form Two student does when she wakes up every morning is grab her phone and check who has tweeted on her Twitter wall, check her Facebook messages, change her Facebook status and her WhatsApp profile photo.

Before she updates her WhatsApp profile photo, Jessica takes a shower first, applies a little lip balm, and then takes a selfie on her bed. She then writes, ‘woke up like this’ before posting the photo on WhatsApp and Instagram. A selfie is a photograph that one takes of oneself either with a smartphone or a webcam, which they later upload to a social media website.

Her brother, Matthew* who is 16 and a Form Four student takes a photo of his breakfast instead. Whatever he finds interesting in his day, or boring, will probably be spoken about on Facebook or uploaded as a photo on Instagram. Like his sister, he cannot see himself making through the day without uploading something online.

Jessica says social media is her ‘life’. “I cannot imagine life without Facebook or Instagram. I am not a Twitter person so much because the photos don’t appear the way I like on Twitter. But for the other social spaces, it is where I can speak my mind without any restrictions,” the young girl says.

When it becomes an addiction

When young people are addicted to social media in this way, it might be an indication that something isn’t right in their ‘real’ social life, says Evetta Lema, an expert in children and youth issues and a lecturer at the Institute of Social Work.

Evetta says that social media has now become a place where youngsters voice their views. They unleash their frustrations without a second thought. “It has become easier addressing someone via social media than face to face. The question is, why aren’t young people listened to?”

Evetta says that to others, social media has become a place where they can be seen, and so they get a relief knowing they have many ‘followers’ – people who will admire them. “These would want us to engage in their daily lives - where they are going, where they have been to, what they are doing, their friends and even their enemies. In a way, they create their own reality show, like that of the Kardashians,” she says.

Layla Musa*,16, comes from a very religious family. Her father never allows her to go anywhere without a driver. To his surprise, he was one day told by a friend that his daughter had posted a photo of herself at the beach, wearing clothes he had never seen her wearing before. “I just want them to listen to me. They never listen. No one listens to me,” says Layla.

According to Layla, there is poor communication between her and her parents. Her parents enforce their wishes on her but do not give her a chance to express what she would like. For instance, going to the beach with her friends. Having to go with a driver everywhere is a problem but Layla cannot openly tell her parents that she does not like it.

Expressing oneself does not mean that children should disobey their parents, but the authoritarian style of parenting makes children afraid to express themselves and end up living double lives like Layla. Children show a fake image before their parents and the truth of who they are elsewhere. And in this case, on social media.

Suzana Nchalla, a peer educator who works in girl empowerment projects says this is what happens when parents do not listen to their children. “There are a lot of issues that children would like to express to their parents, but when the parents are not ready to listen, children always find someone else who will,” says Nchalla.

No privacy at all

Although youngsters might be seeking for attention, Evetta says what young people don’t understand is that what they disclose on social media matters.

“The more you post of your life, the more addicted you become of doing it. Those who become obsessed will need to have something to post about themselves every time, and if they don’t have something to post they will become disoriented and disappointed in themselves.”

She says; “You might be quick to delete what you have just posted but that is not a guarantee that no one has seen the post.”

According to her, everything done in excess is unhealthy. “Always give yourself boundaries. Have time to do other things outside social media,” she advises. Too much exposure of your life on social networks means you have no privacy in your life.

Evetta says before you post anything online, it is important to ask yourself these questions: who are you exposing yourself to? Are you aware that your future employers, bullies, liars, true friends, predators might read your posts some day? Do you think you are capable of overcoming the negatives that come with it? Can you handle criticism? Can you handle being bullied? They have your entire life story to use against you. Can you handle that?

What we do on social media, according to Evetta says a lot about us. She says your personality is most of the time shown by what you say, how you say it and where you choose to say it. This can also affect your career development.

Adeline Cosmas, a human resources officer in Mbeya with a lot of experience in career development concurs.

“Young people don’t know that employers visit their employees’ social media pages, or those of prospective employees. They do so to understand your attitude. Are you optimistic, ambitious, wise, and serious in what you do? Are you easily angered, frustrated and unwise?”

The thing about selfies

“I tilt my head to the side, and smile. Sometimes I can do a ‘duck face’. It is that simple,” says Sabrina*,18, on how she takes a selfie. She takes at least one selfie every day and quite many when she is bored.

Selfies have become so popular that even presidents are taking them. President Obama, President Kikwete are among country leaders who have taken group selfies. But what if you are obsessed with selfies? What does that say about you?

Evetta says some people are attention seekers, and some are trend followers – these do it because everyone else is. How people comment on the selfies perpetuates the habit. For instance if someone always receives praise on their selfies, they would be encouraged to continue with the behaviour.

Now if this person receives one negative comment, they might not take it well and it might even lead to a breakdown depending on the level of obsession and ability to withstand criticism. Some might decide to block their critic and others might go as far as believing something is really wrong with how they look.

Jane Mutua, a counselor with Peak Performance, a youth training organisation says it is heartbreaking to find that some children misuse social media behind their parents’ backs. “I have counseled children who own phones without proper moderation. It is unbelievable what they do online,” she says.

Have you ever met someone whose profile photo is that of a famous musician such as Rihanna, and a name that looks suspicious? Well, some of these aren’t adults. They are children who are hiding behind pseudonyms, says Jane. The interaction they have with adults online isn’t what any parent would want for their children.

“Some children do not want their parents to find out that they are on social media. So they use false names and photos. They chat with adults online without the adults knowing that they are chatting with children. And in this way, they are exposed to conversations that they shouldn’t be involved in as children. I have counseled some girls as young as 12 who had experienced this,” she says.

Evetta who has an 8-year-old daughter, says times have really changed. Parents now have to deal with issues that they didn’t know about when they were growing. She has an iPad which her daughter is allowed to use.

Evetta has downloaded games for her and removed the sim card. Although her daughter is smart enough to realise that mummy’s device is different from hers, Evetta says it is the best way for her to monitor her daughter’s use of the device, at least for now.