Fellas, should she have a say in her engagement ring?

One morning, some time back, I had a rather interesting conversation with my favourite person.

I happened to be scrolling through my Instagram feed and hoped upon feed after feed of all things bridal and wedding galore; blame it on the algorithm.

Well, this handsome fella had just popped the big question and his happy and giddy damsel was completely enthralled by all the effort he’d put in, so much so that she did not spare us much detail.

What caught my attention however was how she further spoke about her ring.

She mentioned that she had never thought or considered herself a diamonds-type of girl despite the common belief that diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

She was pleasantly surprised to find that she fell totally in love, not just with the diamond but with everything that had to do with the ring as well as her man’s way of expressing his love.

This particular ring ticked all the boxes she never actually had.

This got me wondering, how did he know just what to do and how much vain emphasis do we place on symbols of love?

How did this fella know just what to get his soon-to-be-bride?

Since she was visibly surprised, we can safely cross out the possibility that she knew, went shopping with him or even had an inkling as to what he was up to.

So with all the questions swirling around my head and my personal pre-disposition towards the marriage culture, I decided to ask my favourite person what his take was.

Would he be open to taking his lady ring shopping?

This man looked at me like I was a clown of the century and gave me a very hearty “absolutely not!” I was stunned.

I pried on further and outside the walls of our space.

Turns out, unmarried millennials do have some rather interesting perspectives on expressions of love and everything in between.

The history of the engagement ring

Before I get ahead of myself, it is important to understand where engagement ring came from so we can safely dissect its evolution, use and why it is such an integral part of the journey towards matrimony.

Anthropologists believe this tradition originated from a Roman custom in which wives wore rings attached to small keys, indicating their husbands’ ownership.

Then in 1477, Archduke Maximillian of Austria commissioned the very first diamond engagement ring on record for his betrothed, Mary of Burgundy.

This sparked a trend for diamond rings among European aristocracy and nobility.

The sentimental Victorians popularized ornate engagement ring designs that mixed diamonds with other gemstones, precious metals, and enamels.

Often these rings were crafted in the shapes of flowers and were dubbed “posey rings.”

Diamond rings crafted during the Edwardian era continued the tradition of pairing diamonds with other jewels, commonly mounted in ornamental settings.

In 1947, De Beers, a company which specialises in mining, refining, retailing and trading diamonds worldwide launched its now classic slogan, ‘A Diamond is Forever’.

The durability of a diamond conveyed the meaning that marriage is forever.

A diamond’s purity and sparkle have now become symbols of the depth of two people’s commitment to each other in practically all corners of the world.

The opening of the DeBeers mines in Africa made diamonds more accessible.

It is safe to say engagements add that extra oomph to an engagement.

But have African engagements always been so?

How far have our practices appropriated western style engagements such that the perception is now so blatantly twisted and unwed girls want nothing but the best diamonds within their lines of vision and young men intent on marriage are forced to keep up with standards or be passed over for another?

Back to Africa

It is common practice in many African communities for families to be engaged in the entire proposal, engagement and wedding process. Social media will have many of us believing that before anything takes place on the family level, the man should first prepare a very romantic event, with hidden cameras or friends to capture the moment the blushing lady gives her excited ‘Yes’ to him while he is on bended knee.

Now seeing as that is not really our culture, it begs the question, how involved should either party be for this to be executed flawlessly?

What is the woman’s role towards getting the perfect and dreamy engagement as well as the ring of her dreams?

And seeing as she would probably be wearing it for the rest of her life, how involved should she be in the acquiring of this rock?

It is a common practice around the world to ask for a girl’s hand in marriage.

Many African wedding ceremonies cannot move forward without this step.

The groom, together with his family on a special prearranged day, arrive and “knocks” on the door of the bride’s house.

Once they are let in, they present gifts such as wine for libation, money, and depending on culture, other things like blankets or a small animal like a goat or sheep to the bride’s family.

They then announce their intentions, and discuss the prospects of joining the two families through marriage.

If everything goes well, the bride comes in to give her final consent as to whether or not she wants to marry the man.

Marriage preparations begin as soon as she gives her approval.

How involved should a lady be?

For Yatva, an International Relations Officer at the Namibian University of Science and Technology (NUST), an engagement ring is a symbol of love yet however much she’d like to be in control of how it should look, she does believe that she cannot micromanage her man’s way of expressing his love for her.

“I won’t go ring shopping with him. He must be smart and recruit friends and relatives to help get my input without me knowing. It is not that hard getting to know what ring shape and style your lady likes if you all have discussed marriage before as well as topics like if you want to do ring shopping or should I surprise you,” she says.

“My desire to control all things will make me want to be part of the process. However, I am aware enough to realise that wanting to control his symbol of love for me is not healthy and it does not give him space in “us” to be him because I am taking up all the space by having all the things my way, even if he says he does not mind,” says Yatva.

Samson, CEO of Endless Tech says “It is a man’s job to pull things out of a woman’s heart. Like how I get to know all other things about her, I’d find a way to learn what she likes as I prepare to pop the question. I’d love it more if I were to go for the ring myself and she actually likes it and it fits. To me that means I know her.”

In Tanzania, many of our cultures do not leave much room for the surprise proposal part.

For Colleta, a certified economist in Dar es Salaam, having a say in her engagement ring is important.

This due to the fact that the proposal, is usually done after both families have come to an agreement and the bride price is settled.

“I would like to pick my ring because I’d like to have something on my finger that I like to see. ‘d share my favourite designs and ring size and leave him to consult with his jeweller. Because in our culture, families are involved in everything like what we wear, the event, the guest list, the menu and so forth, the ring becomes just another issue to discuss,” she says.

Symbology

Different rocks often symbolise different things.

For those who are set on following the stars, different stones are assigned different birth months and possess different properties such as healing and the ability to bestow good fortune.

For many, this may simply be frivolous superstition but at the core, engagement rings can be used to symbolise the following:

Commitment – Probably the most widely known meanings behind the act of putting on an engagement ring is the fact that it serves to show the commitment the partners have towards one another.

For the woman, she is ready to be identified as one with the one who committed to spending money on said rock.

For the man, an engagement ring is not cheap.

As a non-scientific rule of thumb, an engagement ring is supposedly expected to cost the man no less than the total sum of his 3-month salary. Pretty steep commitment.

Purity – Precious stones are often judged on their purity.

The value of a diamond depends on the 4 Cs which are carat, colour, clarity and cut.

A diamond without any colour is rated D and is the most expensive. As the colour increases, the rating changes alphabetically from D to Z, and the value depreciates accordingly.

Beauty – Who doesn’t like beautiful things? They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes, the beholder can use beautiful rocks to express just how beautiful he finds his love to be.

For the unwed millennial such as myself and my many friends, I still ask, why the hustle?

Do you really talk through something as small yet vastly significant as an engagement ring? Do you simply wing it?

How much importance, value and thought do you put in as you prepare for lifetime commitments?

I still do not have the answers to many of these questions and with how our culture is so deeply influenced by western culture and perfectly curated social media content, how do we wade through the murky waters to symbolise love in a way that works for us as individuals?