Inter-tribal marriages amid wrong ethnic perceptions and stereotypes

James Kimaro and Juliana Kokubanza were heads over heels and blissfully in love.

They had been living in Cloud Nine since they met, and they couldn’t wait to tell anyone who cared to listen to them about their newly found romance, including their parents.

James, 28, hails from Kilimanjaro region, while Kokubanza, 25, hails from Kagera region. For the two years they had been dating, they planned to ultimately tie the knot and live happily thereafter, as they say.

Seven months down the road, and because of Kokubabanza’s constant prodding, James agreed to meet her parents, but deep inside, he was apprehensive because he was not sure of the resulting reactions from the parents.

Besides, his parents had somehow hinted to him that they would have preferred that he marry a woman from the Chagga tribe. That was not to be. Love knows no ethnicity.

The D-day came, and the two travelled to Bukoba. Hand-in-hand, the two lovebirds walked into the compound. “Who is this young man?” the father asked.

When she said that he was her fiancé, the next question that followed was direct and not very warm—his tribe. Although they got married, the in-laws gave him a somewhat cold shoulder thereafter.

The same thing happened to this writer. Hailing from Meru in Kenya and with the idea of having eloped with his daughter, my late father-in-law sent a stern-looking old man from Bukoba, complete with bus fare, for my then fiancée (we later formalised the marriage). I had to stand my ground, and that is how I managed to keep her.

These are not isolated cases. These days, many young people find themselves working in far-flung places away from their parents and the society they grew up in.

As a result, when their biological bells chime and it is time to tie the knot, the issue of tribal leanings goes through the window.

Again, and as they say, love is blind; it has no ethnic or even national boundaries. When two people decide to marry, one of the things that becomes obliterated in their minds is their ethnic leanings.

"When two people fall in love, the aspect of tribal leanings vanishes and the dictates of nature take place. The next thing that follows is the urge to get married. Other things follow,” says Jackson, a father of two from Kigoma married to a woman from Morogoro.

He adds that a marriage is a marriage. The only thing that misses is the ceramide with the one you love because of language differences.”

But the question of ethnicity will always linger in the minds of those around, including relatives.

As soon as you introduce your fiancé or fiancée to your parents, the next question is most certainly, “Where is he from?” meaning his or her ethnicity.

Indeed, it satisfies the parents of the couple if they marry from the same tribe to satisfy themselves that there won’t be a large cultural difference and to make sure the progeny will be handed down the cultures they consider good for them.

Hence, from being anathema in the days of yore, inter-tribal marriage is gradually becoming increasingly common despite challenges faced by individuals involved in the areas of language, cultural values, and culinary variations, among others.

According to John* of Masai descent married to Lena* from Kagera region, the basic understanding of Masai customs is inevitable.

The parents of the man have to satisfy themselves that the woman being married in that family understands the traditional tenets of respect for every member of the society irrespective of their age.

They also satisfy themselves that the woman getting married in that family has no infirmities such as inheritable diseases, is of good repute, and is adequately adapted to the customs of the husband.

Also, the aspect of whether the groom-to-be possesses sufficient wealth (heads of cattle) with which to take care of his family in the future is taken into consideration.

“Boys are prepared by society from the age of ten years, especially by the mother, on how to treat women with the view that he will finally end up a husband someday," he says.

According to John, the bride-to-be must always realise that the man is and will always remain the head of the family.

There are, however, challenges to it, especially if a woman hails from another part of the country where Masai customs are not known.

Negative ethnic perceptions and stereotypes

Tanzania has more than 140 tribes and sub-tribes, each of which is rich in values, beliefs, traditions, and culture. Sometimes, there is a clash of cultures.

A woman from Kigoma whose husband is from Kagera, who did not want her name to be mentioned, says that inter-tribal marriages are difficult and require patience until a sort of equilibrium is reached.

“In some societies, for example, entering the parents’ bedroom is anathema, while in others, anybody can enter. For others, speaking while eating is frowned upon. When two people of different tribal leanings marry, they work on how to strike a balance, especially when children come in,” she says.

“I had issues adjusting initially because I wasn’t used to some of their ways. In my husband’s place, I had to kneel, bow, and exhibit a very high degree of respect for those older than me. I felt like I was overdoing things,” she added.

This woman also had to learn to speak her husband’s language because, at a point, she felt the need to have an understanding of the language she married into and be able to communicate with her husband’s relatives.

"I did not like travelling with my husband to his village because I felt alienated when they would start speaking their language," she says.

Even in countries like Tanzania, where no clear lines separate one tribe from another, the question of ethnicity always pops up, especially where marriages are concerned.

“Although there is no direct discrimination in Tanzania owing to the national cohesiveness, there are still families that hold onto wrong ethnic perceptions and stereotypes about other tribes that have been handed down over generations. Also, there is the issue of customs, taboos, and the like,” the woman from Kigoma says.

The Haya people, for example, are perceived to be promiscuous. This perception is, however, not true, as this writer and many other people can attest. Those women from Kagera who choose marriage make the best wives.

The Haya people are seen as very respectful people, and although they are seen as people full of braggadocio, they are said to possess high culinary prowess. The Ngoni are also believed to be highly capable of keeping their lovers.

Meru people are regarded as peaceful, if not provoked, but they are usually perceived by other tribes as irrational people who could easily get irked and become brutal at the slightest provocation.

Other tribes are perceived as juju lovers, and there is widespread fear that witchcraft will infiltrate their families.

It is largely believed that the Fipa, Kerewe, Waha, and Kinga tribes lead in the use of juju. Although witchcraft is an abstract notion, it still holds a significant influence on people's ideas and beliefs.

Some people are scared of associations and marriages with people from certain tribes due to fears and misconceptions associated with witchcraft.

The Kurya are said to be brutal and irrational. They are perceived to be seasoned wife-beaters who regard women not as their partners but as chattels because their men think that by having paid the bride price, they own the woman's body, spirit, and soul.

People from Ukerewe are said to have a high level of academic aptitude. People from Kilimanjaro, although hardworking with a streak for business, are seen as mean and worshippers of money.

Indeed, it is said that Chagga women, especially those from Machame, are not marriageable because, as soon as the husband makes money, they murder him.

Social psychologist Magolamba Shegembe says that intertribal marriages work perfectly well. The key to it is entering into a marriage with a clear mind.

The couple must communicate effectively, appreciating and respecting differences, including sociocultural ones.

“Love knows no boundaries in situations where the couples are intimate, committed, and passionate to grow and thrive together as a team. They live and laugh together. Winning and losing together as a team and everyone working the hardest to make it last the longest,” he says.

The psychologist further advocates that if everyone does the right thing for their partners and deals with the problems with personal affronts whenever a challenge occurs in the marriage, inter-tribal marriages obliterate tribal differences and foster national unity amongst the families.

“Inter-tribal marriages mean that the tribe in us becomes a non-issue, and as people live and have children together, things, including cultural and social differences, are swept away.

*Names have been changed.