COVER: Women seeking men like their fathers

Ever since she was a child, Florence Ngonyani  38, dreamt  of marrying a man with traits similar to her father’s, and she wouldn’t  hide such a desire.

At that time it seemed like a childish dream, but a dream which meant a lot to her as she looked up to her father for inspiration. Such a feeling of adoration was fuelled by the unending love Florence received from her father as a child.

Today, she is a happily married mother of 3 who attributes her father’s role as a parent for her succeful marriage with her husband of 10 years.

 “When I look at my husband today, I see a resemblance in character to my father.  I am happy that I chose to marry someone who has similar characters to my father, a great man who has been a wonderful husband to my mother for the last 40 years and continues to try to be his very best,” says Florence, who admits to have gone through a hard time looking for a man with similar characters and morale decorum.

“It was hard in the beginning because I had  high expectations  to find a perfect mate and so  my focus was to look for a man who had qualities such as those embedded in my father, I kept  looking for  similar treatment from the men I dated sometimes  asking myself  if  I was going  to be treated  and cared for the way my father cared for me,”  she explains.  

Turning to faith

As a Christian, Florence consistently prayed to God to give her the husband she desired. A husband who will be a great father to their children just like how her father is to her and her siblings; a hard worker  and above all a good friend.

 “I am so blessed to have found a man who is a lot like my father. My husband Joachim shares many good qualities with my father. I am not sure if I would have married him had it not been for the example that my father set for me when I was still at a tender age,” says Florence.

A known influence

Florence’s experience is one of many that prove how a father’s role in his daughter’s life can influence her choice of a companion in the future. Fathers’ roles have been shaping women’s views on men in general and what they should expect from them.

 According to a Dar es Salaam- based psychologist Anthony Malewo, many women marry men like their fathers because of so many reasons but one of them is familiarity.

“To young girls, their father is the first man that they spend most of their time with and have a close relationship with. It is through this relationship that a long lasting impression is created leading them to look for the same or relatively similar traits in their future relationships because it is what they’ve become accustomed to and they feel more comfortable around someone who exudes the same qualities,” explains the expert.

He said for many young girls and even boys who grew up seeing their mother being treated with less respect and unloved by their father, a negative effect becomes visible later in their adult life when they have their own families.

Explaining more the psychologist said, “It is not always true that a woman necessarily chooses to date a man with characters similar to their father’s, but because it is her father whom she has learnt to love since she was young that highly influences  her choice of what man to date.

 “Sadly enough,” he says, continuing, “the man may or may not know what is going on and it is because of such reasons today we can experience women complaining that all men are the same.”

He further adds, “it is sad that some cultures don’t have room for girls to be close to their fathers, but with time that seems to be changing. Because of modernization parents are learning to be close to their children and that can be a good opportunity for them to set good examples.” 

He says the best option is for these young women who have gone through such experience to learn how to work   through their feelings and for parents to emotionally be there for their children   and understand how their acts can emotionally affect their children’s future choices in life.”

Namvua  Kisaka , 26,  says  as a woman  who expects to have a family someday her choice of a husband will also highly be reflected by the caring qualities possessed by her father.

“My father was always there for us even though I come from a humble family. He worked as a teacher and always kept us close to him. He was always firm and fair, very understanding. I know he wasn’t perfect but the qualities he has have had a tremendous influence on me when it comes to relationships and I wouldn’t hesitate to marry a man like my father,” explains Namvua.

What makes people attractive to others?

According to Benjamin Le, a social psychologist at Haverford College in Pennsylvania and Jennifer Harman, a psychology professor at Colorado State University, who co-wrote the  advice book; The Science of Relationships: Answers to Your Questions About Dating, Marriage and Family ; among other revelations, they discovered what makes people attractive to others.

The psychologists attempted to look at the challenges behind the idea of dating someone that is similar to a parent and cited the frequent study of the type of attachments a parent makes to their child as a determining factor in the outcome of their romantic preferences.

According to Dr Le, if a parent was not consistently nurturing or there for the child, the child will have expectations that their partner can’t be relied upon.

‘Studies show people will choose dissatisfaction if it’s consistent with their expectations, versus things that make them change the way they see the world.’ Dr Harman added: ‘It may or may not be a healthy dynamic, but it feels comfortable. If people don’t have a lot of self worth because of early parenting, they enter relationships where that person confirms how they already feel about themselves.’

But they both pointed out that while often a pairing in which one person is avoidant and the other is anxious is unsatisfying, it can also be very stable and less likely to end in divorce.

‘Those relationships lasted just as long as people were secure and healthy,’ Dr Le explained. ‘So it depends on how you measure relationship success. Did they stay together, or are they happy?’

But while young women’s choice of husbands is said to be highly influenced by their father, the case has not been the same to some women. Angel Masare 34, despite the love she had for her father, marrying a man with traits similar to his was the last thing she dreamt of doing.

“I never saw myself wishing to marry a man like my father because I witnessed how my mother had to struggle to raise us while my father was still alive and strong. He was not a role model to us. He never played his part as a father; he was always busy with other women and what hurt me the most was the fact that my mother never complained,” explains Angel, continuing, “as I grew up I realised that what my mother was doing wasn’t right, I wish that she could’ve stood up for herself but that would be against our tradition that women were supposed to obey their husbands.”

That in itself influenced the kind of men she dated, “I was  very  cautious  whenever I sensed that the man I’m dating has slight feature resemblances to those of my father. I would always try to change them but eventually I realised that I wasn’t in a healthy relationship because I didn’t take time to evaluate myself and understand that people can never be the same,” she explains.

Angel says that even today, she occasionally becomes very sensitive when she sees any signs in her husband that remind her of her father even though they’ve been married for 5 years now.

According to Modesta Bernard, a second  year student  at university undertaking  a degree in sociology; she will never wish to marry a man like her father, but a man whom her heart will love and not because he will possess her father’s qualities.

“I believe it is in our nature to want to find all of our approval in men. It is not always possible for our fathers to be able to meet all of our emotional needs, the same applies to our husbands whom we expect to be able to satisfy all our emotional demands,” Modesta speaks, adding, “I have a wonderful father but at some point I believe having a man with other qualities than those of my father will be okay with me because I understand there are so many factors that can contribute to me having a successful and healthy relationship,” says Modesta.

According to Kindred Grace.com –in the topic “will I really marry a guy like my father?” it says each family has its own subculture and that many sins become a natural part of the way the family is taught to deal with life. But Scriptural principles not simply what is familiar should be the standard for manhood and womanhood.

 The choice is yours as to whether or not you marry a guy like your father. It starts with being willing to face your wounds and any daddy issues you may have. It may be hard, but it is possible. You can talk to a trusted friend or mentor who knows you well to help you have a different perspective. An outside perspective can help speak the truth, life and healing into your heart.