Preparing for marriage: Expectations assessment

Oscar and Janet have been married for three years now, they come from completely different background.

Oscar’s family is a nucleus one; his parents are as introverted as he is, they spend most of their weekends at home eating together and inviting close friends for dinner, they sometimes do indoor games.

On the other hand, Janet family is extended and most of their time family members are so loud. They eat together and like going out for picnic.

Soon after their honeymoon, Oscar and Janet started experiencing adjustment problems; Janet thought life will be about chilling out, enjoying vacations and dinner together; but Oscar wanted to go out very few times in a year. These differences brought unhappiness, arguments and frequent quarrels.

The two didn’t do what we call great expectation assessment during courtship.

This assessment involves things like:

Marriage relationship: How will you make decisions once you are married? what will you do when you find you cannot agree?

When you are ill, what does being taken care of look and feel like to you? How much time do you expect to spend with your friends after you are married? How will you relate to opposite-sex friends after you are married?

Handling finances: Who will be the primary financial provider in the family? Do you anticipate both husband and wife to pursue careers? If yes, for how long?

How will you decide on major purchases? What is your philosophy of giving (to your church or other charitable organisations) and how will you make decisions about giving?

Home and housekeeping: Where do you want to live? What do you expect your standard of living to look like after five years of marriage? How important are family mealtimes to you? Why? How often will you eat out? Who will do each of the following?

How will laundry and ironing, purchasing groceries, home repair and yard work, cleaning, making the bed be done? Do you want a pet in the home? If so, what type?

Social entertainment: How often do you want to invite people to your home? How often will you go out on dates? What will be the role of television in your lives and what guidelines will you have?

Vacations, holidays, special occasions: Where will you spend Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter? How will you decide? What expectations do you have for celebrating holidays? What will you do during your vacations?

How will you celebrate birthdays and wedding anniversaries? How much will you spend on gifts for family, friends and each other for birthdays, Christmas, weddings, anniversaries? How will you spend your weekends?

Finally, it’s necessary to do great expectation assessment, sorting out differences in a polite and harmonious way.

Some of our expectations will need amendment, some abandonment while some excepted right away because they are realistic.

This project is like mining project-there’s more rubbish in the process than precious mines.