Get in sync with your partner on discipline

Children can weather subtle differences in their parents’ discipline styles: Maybe one parent is quicker to rein in rudeness while the other parent is the one who freaks out about spilled juice on the couch. No big deal.

But researchers say that children whose parents have significantly different child-raising styles are more likely to have behaviour problems. If one is a pushover and the other rules with an iron fist, it’s confusing for children.

Of course, it’s unrealistic to expect that as parents you and your partner will think and act exactly the same way, says Jane Nelsen, co-author of the Positive Discipline series. The key, she says, is to avoid getting locked into a power struggle with your mate.

To help break the old habits and find strategies you can both live with, you’ll need to have a heart-to-heart with your mate in which you agree on some basic strategies. Our panel of discipline experts walks you through the ten key steps of creating a discipline partnership:

1. Talk with your partner about how discipline was handled when the two of you were growing up. Parenting patterns are often repeated, so this can give you each insight into the other’s style.

2. Ask your partner why he disciplines the way he does, then listen without interrupting. Be patient and respectful. Ask yourself why you’re opposed to your partner’s method. What are you afraid will happen?

3. Ask what qualms your partner has about your discipline style.

4. Explore openly all the options on the table, balancing pros and cons. Develop a shared set of rules and consequences you can both agree to try, then be prepared to adjust or return to these a few weeks later if it’s not working for everyone.

5. As you begin your new, shared strategy, settle discipline disputes as they arise, one at a time, in a calm, private place away from little ears.

6. Compromise — but present a united front to your children. If they see you’re working together, they’re less likely to try to play you against each other. Vow not to badmouth your partner’s disciplining techniques in front of your child.

7. If you suspect your child is playing the two of you against each other (“Dad lets me clear the table after I watch my show”), tell him you’ll give him an answer once you’ve spoken with your partner. Or tell him he needs a “yes” from both parents before proceeding. Remember: Not all discipline decisions demand an answer right now.

8. If your partner seems discouraged — even if you’re not thrilled with how he handled a situation — be generous with encouragement and empathy. Find a private moment to check in with a gentle, nonjudgmental opener like, “That was rough. I bet you’re feeling upset right now. Do you want to talk about it?”

9. If you have school-age children, post clear family rules and review them with the children to reinforce the message that you and your partner are a team. Involving older children in establishing rules often inspires better cooperation. Have a plan for revisiting rules and consequences so they can be adjusted as your children age.

10. What if your partner refuses to even entertain a talk on the subject? That’s tough, but don’t give up. Ask him to make a list of your child’s behaviours that drive him crazy, plus his ideas about how to extinguish them.

If you cop a “there’s only one right way and it’s my way” attitude, it will just keep you locked in a battle zone. Instead, try to understand the logic behind your partner’s approach. If all else fails, give him a book or article on the topic or solicit the help of a teacher, doctor, school counselor, or therapist.

Email: [email protected]