PARENTING : Moving beyond threats (ages 5-8)

Although threats may be one of the most frequently used weapons in your discipline arsenal, they’re hardly an effective or loving way to spur action or teach responsibility. Yet from time to time, we all fall back on threats – often absurd ones that leave us feeling foolish and the problem unresolved.
Getting out of the threat rut isn’t easy. There are some creative alternatives, though. When you find yourself tempted to tyrannize, these six strategies may help turn threatening moments into nurturing ones.

Give choices

The biggest problem with threats is that they tatter self-esteem and inspire fear or rebellion.

“Threats are a message of distrust,” says Adele Faber, author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. “Your child hears, ‘You can’t be trusted to control yourself, so I’m going to control you.’”

Giving choices, on the other hand, puts your grade-schooler in charge and prevents fruitless and stressful stalemates. So instead of saying, “If you don’t turn your music down, I’ll turn it off,” try saying, “Hey, that hurts my ears. Would you rather listen to something else or go listen in your room?” Participating in this type of decision-making teaches her to think for herself and to assume responsibility for her actions.

Talk to your grade-schooler and say, “We have a problem. How can we solve it?” That way, the situation becomes you and your grade-schooler against a problem, instead of you against your grade-schooler.

Follow through

Threats are often too extreme or inconvenient and therefore impossible to execute. “If you can’t follow through,” says family therapist Evonne Weinhaus, coauthor of Stop Struggling With Your Child, “you’re going to appear spineless, and your kid will trample you.”
Suppose that night after night your grade-schooler can’t tear himself away from his neighborhood buddies to come in for dinner. You tell him, “If you’re late for dinner again, you can’t play outside tomorrow night!” Chances are he won’t take you seriously, and the nightly struggle will continue unabated.

Instead, change your behaviour. Focus on logical consequences that will help him learn he’s accountable for his actions.

Say: “I’m going to close the kitchen at 6:30. If you get hungry later, you’ll have to eat your dinner cold.” You can follow through on that, and when you do, he’ll probably be at the table on time – at least for a week or two afterward.

Admit mistakes

Threats have a way of sneaking up on you. Often the words are already out of your mouth before you realise how ridiculous they sound. When this happens, there’s nothing wrong with rewinding the tape and trying again.
Imagine that as you’re grocery shopping your grade-schooler continues to throw junk food in the cart, even after you’ve asked her to stop. Finally, you get so frustrated that you threaten to make her leave and sit in the car alone.

Try not to resort to this kind of threat, but if it’s too late, tell your grade-schooler, “I made a mistake. It would be unsafe for you to be in the car alone. If you can’t follow my rules in the store, I’d better take you outside and we can wait until you’re ready to try again.”

Set clear expectation

Trips to the shop are, of course, a classic stress-builder for parents, and threats fill the aisles like soup cans. To avoid this scenario, prepare your grade-schooler before you head to the store. Tell her how you expect her to behave. Explain, for instance, that you’d like her to help you track down the items you need.

When you arrive at the shop, ask her if she remembers what you’d like her to do. When she answers “help you find things,” congratulate her on her good memory. Then ask her to find an item or two in each aisle. This makes shopping seem like a treasure hunt and gives the errand a positive spin from the get-go.

Of course, it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes you get to the shop, and not only does your shopping companion refuse to help you find things, but she also has a fit when you won’t buy sugary cereal.

Keep cool, think positive

Staying calm can make a big difference. One reason threats often fail to control your child is that they whip up emotions rather than defuse them.
Your child is more likely to learn how to behave if you give him constant, positive reinforcement. So consider using a reward system to help him overcome a major challenge.

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