CANDID TALK : At life after Rwegoshora will be book-gnawing rat

At the Uswaz Church of Unification of the Last Days (UCULD) led by bible-thumbing, fire-spitting pastor Sadaka Saanane tells me that God will take a dive from his abode above the skies with zillions of trumpet-blowing angles to take the believers “home”.

OK, the idea of going to meet St Peters at the Pearly of heaven and singing hallelujah forever may appeal to the rest of the congregation but not to me. As far as I can see, the fairy tale is boring and far-fetched because the mere thought of leaving behind my-one-and-only Bisho Ntongo, Mzee Shirima’s Bar and other bosom buddies like Hussein the Uswaz wag, Tatu my favourite barmaid and Winchinslauss Rwegoshora (PhD, BA, MA) and others is not my cup of tea.

I am suspicious of the doctrine that the likes of Hussein the wag and I will be transformed into “mbuzi choma” where the malevolent devil will be in charge in the gallows of hell (no pun intended).

Before you consider pelting me with stones till a qualified doctor from Muhimbili confirms me dead for blasphemy, I will explain my religious inclinations. Before you are tempted, consider to keenly look in details animals around – the fish, cows, dogs and others. Tell me if there is no semblance between them and a relative living or dead. That is why in my lifetime, I believe in reincarnation where one is born as an animal after death. I have been praying to the good God that when I finally die, I would be born a free-roaming lion in the plains of Serengeti National Park. I would maul my boss as soon as he steps in the national park.

I am of the opinion that my learned pal Dr Winchinslauss Rwegoshora (PhD, MA, BA), the man said to have “eaten” all books at the University at Mlimani will reincarnate to become a rat. You see, rats have this uncanny ability to eat anything that looks like a book. I say this from experience. Rats eat the most treasured things. Take for example, they will leave other worthless documents and go for your college and high school certificates, tittle deeds, medical records, professional journals and treasured and rare novels that have cost you an arm and a leg. Now, the reason why by drinking buddy will reincarnate into a rat is that he loves books. I wish he is born a rat and grow up in a library!