THE PUB: Muyanza’s New Year Grocery Resolutions

Saturday December 29 2018


By Wa Muyanza

You’re in the village as you write this. You dwelt on the rural outlook of your people to a good extent last Saturday, so we now give parochialism a break and focus on next year’s big picture.

There’s no hustling at this place where you were born and bred and hence, no earning. It’s all about spending and spending, a matter that you’ll dwell on in the next edition—Amen. It has been charming and easygoing, sharing stories of days of yore with real and assumed brothers, uncles and classmates of your lower primary school days. You somehow manage to escape the folks, lock yourself somewhere with a bottle of Konyagi and your laptop and embark on committing to black and white your New Year Resolutions. Here we go…

1. You’ll work harder. Yeah; like Boxer in George Orwell’s Animal Farm, you’ll slog tirelessly, however pathetic the rewards will be…in today’s Bongo, many scribblers actually work without any pay at all! But then, as Mwalimu, our Founding Father, used to impress upon us all the time, kazi ni uhai… Yeah, if you don’t work, you die. Wa Muyanza isn’t about to let himself die of hunger—or thirst…ahem!

2. You’ll continue to exercise. Yeah, you simply have to, because, having clocked well over half a century, this body of yours is not what it used to be…it’s getting slower while the world is getting faster and faster. You simply have to do a good amount of roadwork. Yeah, roadwork because you can’t afford the gym. A 5km evening run makes your Serengeti lager more “delicious” as you settle down to cool down at your local grocery.

3. Be a smart drinker. This will entail avoiding tables full of “friends”, where they invite you to take one beer “for free” and even before you finish it, you realise it’s already your turn to pour a full round. Retain your corner at the counter as a matter of course. The trick of walking to the toilet and staying there until you’re certain someone has “poured” a round will remain handy… notwithstanding the risk of being derided like Lady Jaydee’s “wanaume kama mabinti”.

4. Learn to say No to a free beer. For a man, there’s actually nothing like a free beer, for in due course, you’ll have to give a beer back. And woe unto you if the fellow whose offer you’re reciprocating takes Heineken, and his lady companion, a Savannah.

5. Continue shunning the use of a glass. This will ensure your speed is low and after just three bottles, you’ll convince yourself you’ve had enough and go home.

If you keep these well-thought Five Resolutions, there’s no reason for you not to see yourself sailing through 2019 as a man who maintains his dignity at the bar—tunza heshima baa—even as you also do other things that matter in life, even if they aren’t as important as your beer.

PS: Have a happy and prosperous 2019, dear reader—WA MUYANZA.