When two lovers fight and you become the hapless grass

Friday September 25 2020


By Peace Kadondi

When my friend Rachael broke up with her boyfriend, I was there. I was a true friend and sat with her and passed box after box of tissues as she cried her eyes into puffs.
We ate doughnuts and chocolate and mshikaki. We watched every hopelessly romantic movies that says there's love out there that means something and that not all men are bastards.
I even participated in the name calling. And boy did we not call names?. Every time I called her and she was depressed, I told her he was not worth her tears (with his smelly socks, pot belly and his inability to crack witty jokes). That was six months ago.
About two months ago , just when I thought we were on gear four , they got back together. Apparently, he came back to his senses, and talked of his desire to one day have children with her.
"Ridiculous excuse!" I thought. But I was not prepared for the backlash that was to follow. I suddenly became the enemy. Everything I said during the period of mourning was repeated almost verbatim to him .Hello!
It turns out; I was not being a true friend after all, when I gained few calories from all that chocolate and mshikaki.
It was unimaginable how I could have said all those horrible things about him. I mean, spirited- bitch who is jealous of my friend, as I'm still looking for the one.
 And how can a devilish single woman, with her own love dramas, know what is good in another relationship? I stood accused and guilty.
All too familiar!! That's why I have decided to put a stop to it. If you want my shoulder, you better be ready to deal with the outcome and honest opinion. That is, you should dump him.
But seriously dadas, why the 180 flip? It makes the rest of us feel used. Where is the loyalty? Do you understand that men always stand with their 'boys'?
And then comes the second break up, with the same dude (it always happens) and things get really awkward. And you expect us to be there, fighting for you tooth and nail.
You expect us to listen and pass the tissue and join the name calling all over again. Hell no! Like I said to my friend Rachael, when she and her beau started breaking glass again.
Once beaten twice shy". I can be supportive, but only from a distance, this time. I will not gain one more calorie only to be called the jealous hateful friend.
Why would I want be thrown out like last week's garbage, for a guy who will dump you eventually, anyway?
Your boyfriend did not quote his friends when you broke up. Maybe, they thought you are the ultimate witch, but your man tells you they were non- committal.
So, why do you do it? What beats me is how we (the friends) are the ones who end up looking bad, even though you came up with the plan to call and threaten life . Or, to send him hate email or to only to refer to him using names from insect or amphibian families.
However, when you get back with the guy and the toad has turned into handsome prince, he forgives you but declares war on us. In fact, shock on us, the tear-jerking friend is quick to brand us all things horrible.
We are done with your mess .If you can't pick an adjective and stick to it, don't blame it on us. As far as I'm concerned it's really simple. The guy is either a toad or he is not. Mostly he is a toad. Warts do not disappear very easily.
It's not your fault if your insides turns jelly very time he whispers sweet nothings. If you thought him useless three months, I don't think he is the world's favorite gentleman.
So, the next time your beau behaves like jackass he is, come up with a plan instead. Do you want us in, in which case you will have to banish him or do you want to lock yourself up as you wait for him to call and get you back together?
That way, we can sleep easy knowing that our cheering you on will not come back and haunt us
Dadas, if you think there's even the remotest chance you will get back together, perhaps it's time you recruited other friends in similar scenario.
 That way, you know who is next in line.