Dear men; It’s alright to cry

Back in 2007, my father whispered to me: “Boys don’t cry,” after I accidentally slipped and broke my pinkie finger.

As a little boy at that time, I was expecting him to show some concern and offer me words of comfort and maybe, even a little bit of compassion.

Instead, I was given a past narration of how he once broke his arm and lived with it for two days without telling anyone.

“You broke a pinkie finger and you’re crying that loud? I broke my arm at judo class when I was your age. I stayed for two days without telling anybody,” were his words of comfort.

Out of my fear of disappointing him, I swallowed the pain, wiped away my tears and decided to man up, just as he once did.

That memory stayed with me for my entire childhood and no matter what situation I now find myself in as a man, I am reminded that: “You’re supposed to be strong and never cry.”

Most men have gone through this; conditioned to believe expressing feelings is out of the male identity and threatens masculinity.

While social and cultural expectations always make men think of themselves as risk takers it usually accounts to the number of male suicides going higher.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO) statics in 2016, it was reported that there is an estimated 793, 000 deaths worldwide that are attributed to suicide.

You find that some men become aggressive because they choose to channel their negative or hurtful feelings into different things which sometimes leads to fights and violence over the smallest of things.

Masculinity norms have been stated as a significant factor that encourages men to engage in restrictive emotionality.

It is conceptualised as the state of being unable to express one's feelings or difficulty in finding words to express one's emotional state due to fear of demeaning comments or perceptions.

The society isn’t expecting a man to express these kinds of feelings and so most men are likely not to deal with their mental challenges or seek professional help that they may be in desperate need of.

Speaking with social psychologist and president of Tanzania Psychological Association (TAPA), Magolanga Shagembe says this all starts from the root of our cultures and upbringing by parents who aren’t fully aware of the future impacts of such norms.

"It’s possible for a family to send a 10-year-old boy to the shop at night instead of girl who is 16. That’s where you start to teach a boy child to man up. Sometimes as parents, we tell the boy child things like ‘when he grows up, he must look after his children, wife, sisters and parents’ or that he needs to work harder and always be strong," says Shagembe.

Once, while in a daladala on my way to work, I come across a song called ‘To be a Man’ sung by a Canadian singer and songwriter, Daniel Nwosu better known as Dax.

The song clearly explains what men are going through from their unspoken feelings to failing to express them.

“You wanna scream but you won't make a sound, got so much weight that you've been holding but won't show any emotion, as a man, that goes unspoken, that we can't cry when life gets hard,” the song says part.

What women consider

Rehema Salum, a businesswoman at Mbezi Beach shared that women have somehow forgotten their part in helping men cope with stress.

"Women contribute a lot to men's stress; we often know what they’re going through and we still give them more to worry about. Unfortunately, this makes it hard for men to share what they are going through, afraid to be seen as weak. I think giving each other support will help them cope with their situations," she shares.

However, Shakira Junior who sells soft drinks at Mbezi Beach shares that men decide to live that way no matter how much you try to give them attention.

"I think it’s like a culture. I have never seen my husband crying but he’s ready to cry at the bar with a glass of alcohol in hand and when he returns home, he doesn’t want to discuss anything, opting to eat and sleep. I try hard but he never finds the courage to share," explains Shakira.

What men say

Society expects a man to be strong, courageous, independent, rich, intelligent, self-assured, fierce, insensitive, less expressive, and assertive.

The moment a man fails to meet any of these parameters, he immediately experiences the challenges and the flip side of being a man.

Karimu Juma, a businessman and resident of Mbezi Beach and a father of two boys says that he is always trying to teach his sons to open up and lets them share whatever emotions they may be feeling.

"At that age, I wasn’t taught that way. I don’t want to create a generation that will suffer from mental challenges. I always teach my children that it’s okay to cry and it’s not a sign of weakness. It’s okay to express yourself and always be ready for different outcomes," he explained.

Not trying to raise them to be weak, Karimu further added that he’s trying to expose them to the possibilities that come with expressing their feelings.

"I’m not saying I will always be there so I want them to know that the world is not always nice to men who express their feelings boldly. What I’m trying to teach is that when they're with their families, they should be able to share their feelings and what they're going through," clarifies Karimu.

Echoing the sentiments, Musa Faziri, who is Karimu’s colleague, says it’s important to start creating a generation of men who can share what they feel instead of turning to drug abuse to relieve stress.

"Instead of blaming today's men for turning to drug abuse, we must work and encourage them to speak up because they've somehow failed to express their feelings with other people," he details.

Musa hasn’t experienced that kind of issue in his family, but he learns from his father how to handle things in a way that doesn’t show fear or weakness.

Jonathan Mathias, a veteran industrial worker narrated that men are not supposed to cry. "I remember once crying when I lost my son and my father. The reason why this happens is because we don’t spend much time with our boys and their mothers spend time with their daughters. If we are able to give them a chance to feel vulnerable, then they will be able to share no matter what and even if they don’t shed any tear, they at least have someone to talk to," narrates Jonathan.

However, John Edward, a film student at the University of Dar es Salaam (UDSM) shared that it’s important for a male to cry because it decreases the amount of stress that men go through.

"On my side, I think being able to cry alone is important. It doesn’t mean that you need to cry out loud in front of people, but alone with friends who listen and support you is enough," he shares.

Consequences of emotional avoidance

Regardless of gender, it’s important to express emotion and cry in tough situations. Just as we express positive emotions when we are happy, it’s also important to do the same when we are sad.

Shagembe explains that it’s all about how men are trying to express it. "What you need to know is that men are always trying to use logic more than emotion, while women will start with emotion and then logic. As a result of this, you find out that when there is a problem within the family, women will cry, scream, and shout; but when they cool down, they will discuss. Men on the other hand will try to stay silent, looking for a way to cool her down without expressing emotion. The more he holds onto that stance, the more serious problems arise," he says.

You may find out that sometimes men face a lot of problems, such as divorce, being fired from a job, etc., but they will always believe they can solve everything on their own.

"It’s not that they don’t acknowledge their problems - they do. You just will never see them cry; it’s culture that we adopted from our parents and the society that raised us," explains Shagembe.

Some consequences that may result from holding on to too much sadness and negative emotions may result in cases like those that we have here today, where a man shoots his wife or girlfriend or commits suicide.

What it takes to overcome

Sometimes it takes courage to overcome the feelings and experiences that you’re going through in life. Shagembe has explained that it’s not healthy to hold onto emotions that need for you to cry and express.

Be vulnerable

They say it’s not easy, but the solution to this is for men to learn how to become vulnerable and allow themselves to express their emotions freely.

"You need to learn to express it regardless of the situation. It’s important to see a psychologist or share with someone in your family or a friend that you can trust to get you the help you need," he says.

Be honest about your feelings

One of the keys to success is to be honest about how you’re feeling. Often, men shut down their feelings and forget that what they're supposed to do is accept them.

"Always try to figure out what makes you feel that way and allow yourself to express these emotions in whatever way that feels right," details Shagembe.

See a therapist

They say women are more likely to see a therapist than men. This is all because of the perceptions and mind-sets that we have when it comes to seeing a therapist, prompting men to believe that they can solve their issues on their own.

"Therapy is one of the safest spaces for men to be vulnerable without judgment from anyone else. It unleashes the inner you and helps you cope with your emotions in a more healthy and productive way. Dealing with a problem at an early stage can keep a small problem from growing into a more serious mental health condition for months and years to come," explains Shagembe.

It is always good to share what we are going through when dealing with stress. The more you share, the more you create a safer space for men around you to express what they going through.