Have modern mothers stopped being self-sacrificing parents?

As we mark Mother’s Day today, Sound Living talks to mothers in Dar es Salaam, who share their opinions on the evolution of motherhood

When a 56-year-old British woman was nabbed and sentenced to death by a firing squad in Indonesia for trafficking 4.8 kg of cocaine early this year, she gave an emotional reason for committing the crime – the love she had for her children.

Lindsay Sandiford said she would not have been involved in something like that, but the lives of her children were in danger, and she felt she had to protect them. Did she lie about the reason for drug trafficking? Was she telling the truth?

The truthfulness of her statement, notwithstanding, it was an assertion that still says a lot about the extent to which some mothers will go to protect, or provide for their children and family.

Yet, motherhood has changed over the years. Unlike the old, traditional mother, today’s mum is considered self-absorbed and not as caring as her predecessors.
Many parents today want so much for their children: the best education, the best clothes, and freedom of choice that easily translate to tolerance for, mostly, reckless behaviour. Other people see much of the modern mother as lacking in self-sacrifing for her children.

But are modern mothers really self-absorbed? Or just doing what’s best for their children? It is a widely undisputed fact that teenagers and children today are behaving in a generally unacceptable manner, raising many questions about the roles of mothers in raising their children. 

There is always room for debate on matters parenting. And today, as we celebrate Mother’s Day, Sound Living talks to some mothers, who share their views on wide-ranging issues pertaining to modern motherhood.

The ‘self-absorbed’ modern mother
Motherhood, as far as Ms Karen Ayshatuzo, a civil servant in Dar es Salaam is concerned is all about being there for your children. But she is not happy with the fact that many mothers today have abandoned their role for “selfish reasons”.

“The majority of today’s mothers are now preoccupied with their businesses and careers, and at the receiving end in this new work-centred world are children,” says the 32-year-old.  Maids have taken up the role that mothers are supposed to play – some children have stronger ties with house helps than with their mothers, says the mother of two.

“Admittedly, it’s one of the hardest responsibilities in the modern world to be a mother. It’s the greatest experience for any woman. But those blessed with children today have become too busy.

“They don’t have adequate time to sit down with their children and listen to them. Instead, there is a general tendency to leave everything to housemaids at home and teachers at school,” says Ms Ayshatuzo, who lives in Tegeta.  The absence of the mother figure has exposed children to too much TV and the Internet, two factors various study findings have associated with wayward behaviour among today’s teenagers.  

‘Mothers will always be mothers’
But Mrs Faraja Nyalandu, the 2004 Miss Tanzania, says despite the changes in mother-child relationship over the years, “mothers will always be mothers” “A mother’s love for her children is a matter of the heart that is timeless and unconditional,” she tells Sound Living. “The income generating activities they (mothers) undertake do not mean they have changed in the depth of their love for their children.”

However, the 31-year-old former Miss Tanzania is quick to admit that there are differences between mothers of the 70s or 80s and today’s mothers. She calls the former “a superwoman”. “Our mothers were superwomen; they had many roles to play and yet they gave us full attention without complaining. They took more than they should have, and still created a balance,” she says.

The beauty queen, who has two children, says today’s mum has a lot to learn from the multitasking capabilities of the older generation mother.  

Recalling her own experience with her late mother, Mrs Nyalandu says: “She was a teacher, who probably did not appreciate the boundaries of a classroom, so our home became her next class.  

“We were always learning; details, instructions, precision and exchanges were very important elements of our lives. She is my hero because she did everything out of love, not just to us but also to people generally. She was selfless and very genuine.” According to Ms Neema Ibrahim, an entrepreneur based in Dar es Salaam, the old generation mother’s selflessness nature is what makes her the model mother to today’s mum.

“You do not spend the largest chunk of your time at work and parties and still expect to be the best mother. The home environment is the best to nurture a child. It is really a shame that a mother cannot spare enough time for her children,” she says.

Spare the rod and spoil the child
And Mrs Veronica Bure, a 74-year-old mother of seven, is against the tendency by many mothers today to tolerate bad behaviour, just because they are afraid of being considered backward if they do not spare the rod.

“Being unable to discipline your child is a sign of weakness for any mother. During our time, every mother in the community was allowed to discipline any child and no one would complain,” she says.

She says being a mother means being there to teach your child important rules and roles of life, from being an empathetic human being to learning how to be responsible of one’s actions.

Ms Ayshatuzo agrees. She says the problem with today’s mothers is that they do not want to associate with the kind of parenting that is often considered outdated and backward.

“We take pride in being called up-to-date, even if it means turning a blind eye to our children’s bad behaviour,” she says.

Then, when we are supposed to discipline the children, “we shower them with toys just to appease them. We cannot punish our children for wrongdoing because we can’t stand to see them shed a few tears. It’s a weakness.”

Ms Loveness Chacha, owner of Elegant Shop in Masaki, says loving one’s children does not entail giving them everything they want.

“The role of a mother is to help guide her children in achieving their goals and respecting values in life. A mother must teach her children the importance of education, good manners and being self-reliant. A mother will also discipline her children when they err. This may look bad today, but it benefits the children throughout their life,” she says.

Imitating Western values
Mrs Sella Victor, a trainer at the Women Centre in Mabibo, Dar es Salaam, blames the mixing of African and European lifestyles on the tendency of today’s mother to be lax with their children.

“Modern mothers copy their parenting styles from Europe where there is a whole generation of teenagers without norms and values. For example, mothers today do not see anything wrong is allowing their teenage children to have boyfriends and girlfriends; and they can visit each other at their parents’ homes without any restrictions. They allow their children to go out and come back home any time they want. What do you expect these children to do?” she queries.

Mwanja Masana, chairperson of the Tanzania Assemblies of God –Shekinah Temple – Mbagala Kuu, says there has to be a balance.

“Be neither too harsh nor too soft. Mothers must be polite and free, allowing their children to interact, but there must be some boundaries,” she says.

Sarah Mohamed, the owner and managing director at Xoxo Fashion Store at Namanga, says there are no manuals for the modern mother to use in raising children. But there is a lot to learn from the old generation of mothers.

“One thing I have learnt from mother is that you can have many children and still be able to do other businesses. So, my advice to modern mothers is that, it does not matter how busy your day is, have time for your children. They need you for guidance and direction,” she says.