Life after love: Is there a breakup manual?

When a romantic relationship comes to a grinding halt, everything goes south for most people.

It can be one of the most heart-breaking and stressful experiences any person can go through.
It's a time of intense heartache, uncertainty, and often, feelings of anger and betrayal that follow the breakup that pervade one’s mind.
But what really happens after a couple breaks up? Do they become enemies, cutting off all communication, or do they manage to maintain a friendship despite the pain of the breakup?
Most couples get devastated and overwhelmed after a breakup. Emotions that may arise include anger, sadness, and confusion.
These emotions not only impact the individuals involved, but they can also affect the way that they interact with each other in the aftermath of the breakup.

The dynamics of a breakup are often complex, and the way an individual handle the aftermath can differ greatly based on their personal experiences and coping mechanisms.
 

Mortal enemies

For some couples, the end of a relationship often breeds animosity and hostility towards each other. This can manifest in a variety of ways, from cutting off all communication to actively seeking ways to hurt the other person.

Ms Zena Komeja, 27, a Pwani region resident, experienced this first-hand after a painful breakup with her long-term boyfriend.
She recalls feeling a sense of betrayal and anger, which led her to cut all ties with her ex.

"When we first broke up, I was deeply hurt and so angry that I didn't want anything to do with him," she explains further. "I deleted his number, blocked him on social media, and made sure to avoid any sort of run-ins. I just couldn't bear the thought of being around him after everything that had happened," she reveals.

This type of reaction is not uncommon after a breakup, especially if there are unresolved issues or emotional wounds that still linger.

For some individuals, the pain and hurt can lead to recoil—a desire to cut ties completely to protect themselves from further emotional turmoil

However, this approach can have its own set of challenges, as it often requires the individual to navigate through the process of healing and move on without the support or presence of their former partner.

Some individuals, however, may take this bitterness a step further by engaging in acts of vengeance.

29-year-old Sarah Jackson, who is a resident of Tabata found herself in a bitter feud with her ex-boyfriend after their breakup.
"I was so angry and hurt that I just wanted to make him feel the same way I did," she says.

"I would intentionally show up at places where I knew he would be with someone new, or I would spread nasty rumours about him to mutual friends. Looking back, I can see that I was just lashing out at him because I was in so much pain," she adds.

The aftermath of a breakup can bring out the worst in people, as the emotions of heartbreak and betrayal can cloud one’s judgement and lead to regrettable actions.

The bitterness and resentment that arises from a breakup can create a toxic environment for both parties, making it difficult to find closure on the matter and move forward.

These negative emotions can also prevent individuals from fully healing and processing the ending of the relationship, which may prolong the pain and prevent them from finding peace.
 

Still friends

The other side of the coin is just as real. Some couples choose to maintain their friendships even after the end of their romantic relationship.

It seems like a surprising and unreasonable decision, given the common emotional upheaval that often accompanies a breakup, but for some individuals, staying connected with their ex can be a way to cushion the blow and preserve the positive aspects of their past relationship.

Issaya Mark, a software engineer in Dar es Salaam remained close friends with his ex-girlfriend after their breakup.
"We both realised that while our romantic relationship had hit the wall, we still cared for each other and valued the bond that we had,” he shares.

“We decided to stay friends and supported each other through the transition. It wasn't easy at first, but over time, we were able to establish a new dynamic that allowed us to maintain our connection without the romantic aspect," he adds.

He went on to say that maintaining a friendship with an ex can be a delicate and challenging task, as it requires a high level of emotional maturity and open communication.

“It also may not be the right choice for everyone, as it often involves setting boundaries and managing expectations to avoid any potential complications or misunderstandings,” he reveals.

He says that for some individuals like him, having their ex as a friend gives a sense of comfort and continuity, especially if the breakup was amicable and both parties could remain respectful and supportive of each other.

Healing and moving on

One common thread that runs through the aftershock of a breakup is the process of healing and moving on.

Mr Isaac Lema, a clinical psychologist and assistant lecturer at Muhimbili University of Health and Allied Sciences (MUHAS), reveals that regardless of whether a couple chooses to remain enemies or friends, the end of a relationship marks the beginning of a new chapter in their lives.

“This period of transition can be fraught with challenges, uncertainties, and emotional struggles, but it also presents an opportunity for growth and self-discovery,” he says.

He continued that for those who find themselves embroiled in a bitter feud with their ex, healing may come in the form of letting go of the anger and resentment that have consumed them.

“This can be a difficult and arduous process, as it often requires individuals to confront their own pain and take steps towards forgiveness and acceptance,” he said.

“Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can also be instrumental in the healing process. It provides a safe space to process emotions and gain new perspectives on the situation,” he explains.

Ms Saudia Mahamoud, a psychologist from Mwanza explains the importance of processing emotions after a breakup.

"Allowing yourself to feel and express your emotions is key to healing. It's natural to experience a range of emotions after a breakup, and it's important to acknowledge and process them in healthy ways. This may involve consciously deleting some of your past emotions, talking to a trusted friend or professional, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment," she says.

She says that for individuals who choose to maintain a friendship with their ex-partner, healing may involve establishing new boundaries and expectations in the relationship.

“This can be a gradual and evolving process as both parties navigate through the changes and complexities of their former relationship’s dynamics,” she says.

She continues: “Setting clear communication channels and respecting each other's feelings and boundaries is essential to sustaining a healthy and mutually beneficial friendship.”

Regardless of the chosen path, Mr Lema does remind that the road to closure after a breakup can be long and full of pitfalls, marked by moments of doubt, sadness, and reflection.

“Coming to terms with the end of a relationship is a deeply personal and introspective process as it involves the reconciliation of one's feelings and experiences,” Lema says.

“Closure can come in many forms, whether it's through the acknowledgment of unresolved emotions, the understanding of past mistakes, or the acceptance of the new path that lies ahead,” he notes.

He adds that finding closure after a breakup can be a transformative experience, as it allows individuals to release their emotional baggage and move forward with clarity and strength in the future.

“It also serves as a crucial step towards opening oneself up to new experiences and relationships and fostering a sense of self-assurance and empowerment,” he concludes.