Caught in Lucy's web: Boys' guide to women

There is a feminine proven fact that men tend to be easily snared without that much of an effort, if you know what buttons to push, when to push them and how much pressure to exert. I am no genius in snaring men but it is amazing what women would do and men don’t even realise it.

Now gentlemen, this is not to mean you should look at every Jane and Lucy as a trap-in-the-waiting. This is just to encourage you to enjoy the ride while it lasts, within reasonable logic.

I know a lot of my sisters might also read this and possibly put me in the dog-house for spilling secrets but ladies, we have plenty of ammunition that I will not share. I am not a psychologist but I am a woman and I know women.

It is therefore important for me to tell you gentlemen, that as your fairy-Godsister into the almost inner workings of feminine tactics and behaviour, I am just helping you level the playing field the same way Steve Harvey did for us with his ‘Think Like a Man’. You are welcome.

Men, you have that one fatal flaw that always lands you in the spider’s web – thinking you are in control. When that presumed control finds you flat on your face, you put all women into one basket, simply because one put a ‘boo boo’ on your ego.

Allow me to make this one thing blatantly clear: You are never the one in control. Now that we have got that awkwardly unpleasant bit out of the way, here are the women you should be on the look-out for and how you can try to get to her league. You probably never will but do feel free to try.

This very simple summary might aid you in identifying what type of woman you are looking at and before you get ahead of yourself and say “How will I know unless I spend time with her?”

To which I’ll say: “Boy, open your eyes!” Women aren’t rocket science. Women show you and you just need to listen to the unspoken.

The regular Jane – She’s usually a rather mild temperament type of girl and is easy going, not very demanding and sometimes, due to pressure for either the perfect relationship, aka ‘couple goals’ or marital pressure from society, she’s more likely to want to give you the sense that she’s all about pleasing you.

Many regular Janes are also very low key battling some security or esteem issues which may be the fuel to their need to please you. She will be the ideal wife material girl we so fondly like referring to.

She’s the type that will gladly go to your house and clean, cook and do laundry for you when she can plainly see that another woman has left her things there. She’ll operate on the notion that if she proves to you that she can take care of you, then you’ll feel obliged to leave your lady for her.

Regular Jane will easily get you into trouble because you will get comfortable in her services so much so that you’ll start defending her as your ‘friend’. This friend is very likely to make you walk away with a keyed car and smashed in windows. If you have a girlfriend, try not to get too comfortable with regular Jane. That is regular Jane’s ammunition – friendship.

The sweetheart – She’s exactly that. She’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and trust you without much effort but I warn you, she’s a unicorn. If you make a unicorn bleed, you are probably cursed for life; so if you meet her, try not to hurt her. Her sweet nature is her ammunition.

The feisty one – Not to be confused with the drama queen. The feisty girl is actually a spirited, go-getter that leads by gut and heart. She’s not afraid to go after what she likes and wants, you included. If this girl sets her eyes on you, you are probably already trapped even before she says “Hello!” A lot of men initially fall for her charm simply because it comes as a lively challenge that seems easily manipulated but realise too late that they were the prey not the predator. Good luck escaping that web because you’ll probably be meeting her at the altar. She is spicy. The heat draws you like a moth to the flame. That boys, is her ammunition.

The drama queen – Oh the drama queen. You must meet a couple in your lifetime. Drama queens are pretty harmless. They are all bark no bite. They thrive in drama but won’t do you much damage. They mostly just want that validation that you only have eyes for her. Until you get past the fear of what her drama might be, you’ll always walk on eggshells around her.

The drama queen will search your phone, call all the females you talk to, even your sister to know what on God’s green earth their business is with you.

She will sniff out infidelity and conclude the story and when you get home, she has a complete timeline of you extra-curricular activities.

She won’t hear reason and logic while her blood rages and your helpless defence will fall on deaf ears.

However, when she is not fishing for drama and all is well in paradise for you two, she is the epitome of joy and peace. She’ll have scented baths ready for you when you pull up home, dinner when you step out of the bath and dessert ready for you to unwrap.

She has the power to make you feel like a king when she’s happy and still make you feel like an ant when she’s rolling in drama.

She’s charming. That is her ammunition. Once the drama dies down, her charm lulls you into yet another sense of false security.

The princess doll – You really need to check your bank account for this one. She is perfectly manicured and not a single hair out of place. You must pick her up at her door step and drop her off exactly there, before and after a date.

You will not be splurging on a cosmopolitan or mojito. No, you’ll have the range of a bottle of Prosecco to the most expensive bottle of champagne at the restaurant. The food she orders will be exquisite but will also be social media content so eat before leaving home.

The princess doll will sell you exclusivity. Her time is money, her presence is money and God forbid you don’t pay up.

The princess doll is also a very straight-up type of girl. She knows she’s materialistic and she is not ashamed of it. Slut shaming or calling her a gold digger doesn’t deter or bother her because she knows a simple fundamental truth that you will not accept, even with a gun to your head. She is simply way above your pocket and she has no qualms showing you how insignificant you are, even if it will bruise your ego.

She is goal oriented and focused. She isn’t your regular domicile woman and never will she be. Her ammunition is herself. She knows you can’t afford her but you will definitely put in the efforts, which sadly won’t really yield the fruits you want.

The dynamite - This girl is one that will turn your life upside down. She looks harmless at first, smiles sweetly at you and is generally nice, at face value. However, you will notice she gets irritated by otherwise mundane and insubstantial things.

She easily gets cranky and blames you for not being sensitive enough to understand or figure out her issues.

She’ll probably never tell you the problem directly and will be very mad that you don’t know it and she’ll want you to apologise.

She is quick to gaslight you and because you have probably fallen in deep, she will take you through the muck and motions before you figure out that she is not good for you. Her temper tantrums might start off cute-ish; you’ll buy her a rose or necklace and she’ll be placated for a second.

She’ll go all out to do fancy things for you, even when you insist it is too much. She’ll make a show of it with photos and grand entrances and essentially mark you as hers. That way if you step a toe out of line, she’ll easily cry wolf and make you look like the worst of the villains; after all, everyone saw all the big gestures she did for you.

The dynamite explodes and leaves you exposed, burnt and in a major reputation crisis. She’ll make future girls who may have considered you a catch run the other direction. She’s much like a rotting fish head that soils everything around it.

Fortunately, despite her cons, she does have her pros. She’ll toughen you up and teach you to be vigilant. Because you’d have spent so much time trying to keep the dynamite from exploding, when you do meet a good woman, you will know exactly how to treat one. Her ammunition is that convincing smile that gets you hooked.

Femme fatale – I also like to call her a hybrid. You are probably always going to dream of her and she’ll make up the bulk of your fantasies but the reality is she is a thousand rungs above your league. You see the hybrid embodies all those good characters and temperaments so effortlessly and with grace and balance that her web is one you’ll never know you are caught in.

You will marry her if you are lucky but you will always wake up every day asking yourself if it is real for the rest of your life.

She’ll make being a girlfriend seem like cloud 9 and when you propose, you will do anything to get that coveted ‘Yes!’ She’ll give you so much peace and have your boys tease you for being whipped but you know it is so good you won’t risk it for anything in the world.

She’ll probably know how to cook you meals like no other, feed you dessert and then give you dessert with gymnastics that will make Simone Biles’ Olympic moves look like day care stuff.

When you are out with her, she will always fit the occasion.

You can confidently take her to a strip club and she’ll have the dollar bills for you and you will take her to the Queen and she’ll curtsy like she was born and raised in Buckingham Palace.

You can never beat a hybrid because she figures you out so fast it’s scary.

She’ll give you what you didn’t even know you needed. You can never escape a hybrid. And if by some unfortunate circumstances you find yourself in the arms of another, you will always measure every woman by the stick of the hybrid. No woman will ever be enough for you. The hybrid is your soul. You can’t live without her. Her ammunition is you. She uses you against you.

You see, women aren’t hard. Just pick one within your financial, emotional and physical capacity and you are good to go. Get greedy and you’ll end up bitter.