Couples thriving together, totally tearing tug-of-war

The tug of war also known as tug o' war is a sport that pits two teams against each other in a test of strength: teams pull on opposite ends of the rope.

The conflicts in our relationships often become a tug-of-war game. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? It yields competition or fights and takes us away from the intimacy and growth we desire. We therefore need:

Capacity to handle arguments: You can win all arguments, but if your friend is not happy, you'll never be happy. In marriage, you win together and lose together; marriage is a team.

Once there’s more than one person in the equation, team dynamics must be followed. The danger of being too opinionated or strong-willed is that you'll not enjoy your relationship.

Nicky and Silas Lee, in their masterpiece work, Marriage Book, profoundly narrate that marriage involves two people with different backgrounds, personalities, desires, views, and priorities joined together in the most intimate relationship possible for the rest of their lives.

Added to this is the inherent selfness of human nature: the desire to have it myway, to maintain my rights, to endorse my opinions, and to pursue my interests.

Disagreement and conflict either build or destroy a marriage. When a husband and wife are determined to get their own way and to do all they can to change the other's way of thinking, the result is usually great warfare.

When we dig deep to defend our position, protecting ourselves by keeping the other at the shore, we end up launching an offense. One of us may seem to win, but we've both lost because the process creates a huge gulf between us.

Friendship is something you decide to decide: A friend, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is “a person who you like and enjoy being with,” and a best friend is “one’s closest and dearest friend.”

Friends share the joys and sorrows of life. As best friends, we profoundly benefit from this life.

Relationship expert John Gottman, professor at the University of Washington and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” and that friendship is the core of a strong marriage.

Gottman’s research has shown that a high-quality friendship in a marriage is an important predictor of romantic and physical satisfaction.

Couples are complementary, not competitors: Some people are natural competitors. There’s one thing that we must, by all means, know. God made us different purposely. One can discern easily, while another can feel deeply.

One is very analytical, while the other is more intuitive and emotional. Constant competition in marriage is an indicator of pride or a big ego. Intimidation is a bad gift.

Finally, in marriage, friendship is absolutely enjoyable. This is my testimony: You'll never get bored or tired when you're surrounded by a friend.

Amani Kyala is a counsellor, writer, and teacher, 0626 512 144.