COVER: When women are pressured into marriage

“When are you getting engaged?  When is the wedding? Why aren’t you married yet? What are you waiting for?” These are just some of the aggravating questions that society asks women whom they deem should already be married for various reasons, with age topping the list.

Back in the days, marriage was something that every woman looked forward to as an eventuality at a certain point in her life. But with time, that seems to have changed.

There has been a great change of attitudes toward marriage, though marriage has remained an important institution particularly to African women.

That’s why despite the fact that marriage rates have been declining, women have been finding it hard coping with pressure that has consistently come from the society regarding their marital status.

A case in point is one of a woman (let’s call her Mary). Mary, 36, is an accountant by profession and a single mother to a 2 year-old boy. She admittedly states that she had to force herself to get pregnant so that she could increase her chances of getting married after realising that the perfect man was elusive.

“I stayed for years without getting into a serious relationship and the pressure I kept receiving from friends and community made me vow to myself that any man who shows an interest in me, I will do whatever I can so that I can get married to him,” she explains. 

When she clocked 34 years old, Mary acknowledged to becoming desperate.  Her mother realised it but she was always supportive, telling her not to worry for the right man for her will eventually come.

“I knew deep down in my heart she wished that I could get married but as a mother she couldn’t express her wish out in the open, unlike how some of my friends did,” Mary continues by stating that; “I got pregnant to a man who was introduced to me by a friend; we had a relationship for about four months. It was an on and off relationship for he was working upcountry. I conceived and when I told him that I was going to have a baby, he seemed okay with it and so I convinced him that we should get married.”

Unfortunately Mary had misconceived her man’s future plans. She explains, “at first he seemed okay with the idea. I felt like he had no other option because even my family had started to pressurise him; he did come home to introduce himself but no marriage materialised out of this. He, however, agreed to look after our baby, but that is as far as our relationship would progress.”

It wasn’t Mary’s intention to end up a single mother, due to pressure from society always pestering her with questions about marriage, she had to devise a plan that would ensure that she attained a husband, but things didn’t go according to her plan.

Mary’s case is one among thousands of cases that we have come across for many years now. She represents a number of women who had to make a number of tough decisions just because of pressure from the society urging them to get married.

Historical view

Historically in many parts of Africa, marriage has been an aspect of civilisation, humanity and human culture; one thing that unites African culture.

Since it is a culture that has still remained strong, the general community often raises questions and great concern when a woman purported to be of marrying age, or passed the ideal marriage age is not showing any signs of getting married.

 The view that pressure on women has become a burden to them is echoed by Felista Maganga, a woman in her 30s who had to withstand such pressure. “It was very hard on me,” she laments.

Religious view

Fr Gaudence Mushi from the Holy Ghost Fathers ( C.S.Sp ) says it has been a belief among the society that once a woman reaches a certain age she has to be married. The society forgets that getting married is not a profession that someone can decide to have.

“People are forgetting that getting married is not a commandment, it is a choice of great significance involving an individual person.” He further states that, “most pressure has been coming from family members, co-workers, and friends; saying that each individual has his or her own life that cannot be similar to someone else’s, so no one can and should be forced to do what other people are doing.”

 Fr Gaudence also emphasises that; “Only God is the one who binds people and not humans. It’s a lifelong commitment so they should take their time to find someone right.”

Tanzania Muslim Scholars Organisation Vice Chairperson, Sheikh Mohamed Issa, says that a wedding is a holly union based on various religious perspectives and cautions that if no careful consideration is taken when it comes to marriage, it could be a source of problems within the community.

The situation today regarding marriage has led women to act out of extreme desperation. Such desperation has seen them visit witchdoctors so as to see if there is any possibility of getting a man to marry them. And those already in marriage visit witch doctors so as to ensure that the husband doesn’t leave her. 

Dar es Salaam-based witchdoctor, famously known as Manyaunyau, can affirm to that; he admits to receiving a number of women who seek his service on marriage and relationship matters.

“I receive up to 15 or more women per month seeking my assistance on relationship matters. Some tell me that they had a lover or a fiancée but out of the blue the man stopped showing any interest and disappeared,” speaks Manyaunyau.

He continues by stating that; “others complain that they haven’t received even a single greeting from a man or that a woman is unmarried while all her young siblings are married. So they come here to see if I can do something to help them.”

But while some opt to seek help from traditional healers, some women look for other options. Mariam David, 34, admits to visiting a sex training expert seeking to enhance her bedroom skills so as to boost her chances of marriage.

“I am now married but I can declare that apart from love, what I learnt from my teacher back then increased the chances of me getting married,” she boldly speaks, continuing, “she taught me so many things whereby most of them were new to me. I remember I vowed to myself that if a man crossed my path, then I was willing to show him what I learnt from the sex expert.

And that is what happened. Mariam was lucky enough to cross paths with a man who is now her husband. “Six months after our relationship kicked off he proposed to me,” says Mariam, a hair dresser based in Dar es Salaam.

View from marriage experts

However, despite all the pressure women have been receiving when it comes to getting married, some experts in marriage and relationship matters believe that a number of women are to blame for the pressure that is coming their way.

Mama Victor, a well known marriage and relationship counsellor based in Dar es Salaam says there have been a number of reasons that have made it difficult for some women to get a husband, hence the pressure from society. 

Among the reasons she highlighted included immoral behaviour that is rampant among young women. She points out that some women can’t understand that the reason they fail to get married is because of their own doings.

“Our girls today have invested a lot of their time and resources in men whom they are not even sure whether they will marry them. They don’t have enough time to think, because they like what they are being told and don’t take time to analyse what they are being told by the men they supposedly love,” says the expert.

She says once a man gets what he wants, for him everything is over because women don’t know what men think in their heads apart from hearing what they say with their mouth.

Another reason she highlights is the fact that most women have been staying in relationships for a long time without tying the knot, some of them even go to the point of living like husband and wife.

“By doing that, you are giving the man ample time to learn about your weaknesses and as he continues analysing you he’ll also be thinking of finding someone else who might have better qualities than you,” states the marriage counsellor.  Her advice is that women shouldn’t act as mere escorts in relationships; if a man says he loves you then both of you should be on the same boat, travelling together and not otherwise.

Tradition and customs

Ally Hemba, says tradition and customs have been the reasons that push society to pressurise women who reach a certain age to get married. “Some people in certain communities are still afraid that if a woman is not married and then she gets pregnant, that would be a shame to the family. Some cultures are of the belief that a woman is not complete until she is married.”

Ally further opines that this has caused some women to feel like they lack something.

Such pressure has even caused some women to be isolated by their family just because they have refused to get married when they were forced to do so.”

David Ngonyani, a father of four, is in support of the pressure that the society has been putting on women, especially when it comes to to getting married.

According to him, it is good for young women to understand the reason why so many people in the community have been putting a lot of pressure on them: It is because many old people have a deep insight and are aware of the repercussions one may confront in her life.

“Today you might have a number of choices before you, but as time goes by, those choices will become fewer,” he says.  

Such pressure for women to get married has seen some traditions in Tanzania force girls as young as 12 years old to get married. This has been in part due to the bride price that parents receive. Young girls are forced to leave school and marry men who are often older than them.

All this is going on as  outlook on marraige continues to evolve.

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