Money matters: Understanding women’s dependency syndrome

Men often find it confusing that women still depend on them for financial support even when they are financially independent.

Despite some women’s openness about their income, there remains a veil of uncertainty surrounding where exactly their money goes, as men often shoulder the bulk of household expenses.

According to men, this is not about exerting control over how women should spend their money but rather about promoting mutual understanding about the financial aspects of relationships.

It's a debate that has sparked interest among men, leading to the emergence of discussion groups such as ‘Kwa Ground’ at Mevic Bar in Sinza Mori, Dar es Salaam, where bewildered boyfriends and husbands come together to share theories and insights on relationships while enjoying beer and nyama choma.

Michael Mzungu, a Kwa Ground group member who is a businessman in Sinza Mori, thinks women might have secret financial advisors guiding their spending habits.

He shares his own experience, saying that even though his wife earns a fat salary, he doesn't understand why she does not disclose how she spends it, and what baffles him is the fact that she relies entirely on him to provide for their family.

“I sincerely have no idea what my wife does with her money. I have asked her this question several times, and her answers make no sense to me at all,” shares Michael.

Along the same vein, another group member, Charles George, raises concerns about the transparency of finances in relationships, questioning whether the money women make is actually intended for the family.

“We are well aware that our wives have their own money, but what we don't understand is how they spend it since it’s never enough to meet their needs and those of the family,” states George.

He advocates a more equitable approach to financial management, urging shared responsibility and transparency.

While men grapple with deciphering their partners' financial decisions, Catherine Rogers offers her perspective.

She says that as the heads of their families, men are traditionally expected to provide for their families, which explains why women are perceived as being dependent.

According to her, sometimes women don't disclose how much they make or how they spend their money because doing so may encourage men to become lazy and neglect their duties.

“It's not that women don't want to support their husbands; it's just that when you offer to help, you end up taking on all the responsibilities,” she says.

When this happens, Catherine says, “You will hardly see his money, as he will always complain of being broke, only for you to find out he is providing for another family.”

She too highlights the importance of mutual support and understanding in managing household finances.

Ashura Ramadhani, a pub owner in Kitunda, Dar es Salaam, reveals that many women feel compelled to conceal their expenditures due to some men treating financial assistance as an opportunity to milk women dry.

"When women show readiness to contribute to their families’ upkeep, some men interpret it as a business deal, viewing their partners’ contribution as an opportunity to turn them into milk cows," she explains.

To avoid this, women often resort to managing their finances discreetly, only offering assistance when they perceive a genuine need from their partner. Even then, they may frame it as having borrowed the money to prevent complacency.

Ashura says the solution is for partners to be open with one another and to plan family budgets together. 

Echoing this sentiment, Latisha Sultan, a hairdresser at the Mwenge bus stand, recommends a proactive approach to shared responsibilities within families.

She encourages women to take on financial obligations, saying it will be helpful at a time when their partners will be unable to support the family.

“If you don't start now, it will be difficult for you to adjust if your partner passes away or becomes unable to provide for your family,” Latisha cautions.

Jennifer Lucas reflects on how societal norms shape perceptions of gender roles in relationships. She recounts her experience, where her ex-boyfriend's consistent financial support ingrained the belief that men are primarily responsible for financial matters in relationships.

"My being financially stable didn't deter my ex-boyfriend from constantly providing money, even when I did not ask him for the money. This made me believe that a man has to take care of financial aspects in a relationship," Jennifer shares.

Jamila Salum, a mobile phone operator in Tabata, thinks Jennifer’s ex-boyfriend is an example of a real and responsible man.

“Such men are few today. Aren’t men supposed to take care of their families' needs and those of their wives? What happened to today’s men?” she queries.

According to her, men should not complain about women’s reluctance to use their money for family expenditures. She believes that a woman should use her money as she pleases.

Jamila says that some men no longer want to make an effort or engage in seeking employment simply because their wives are financially stable, so they just sit down at home, waiting for their wives to put food on the table.

“How long should you support someone who doesn't want to make an effort? Women are not used to idling around; you'll see them selling vegetables and juice, basically engaging in some form of business.”

Jamila says everyone needs to work so that there will always be someone to take care of matters if one partner faces difficulties. As for her, she says there’s no way a lazy man would set eyes on her money.

Some of the men we spoke to wondered why men would want or allow women to carry out responsibilities that have since time immemorial been assigned to men.

Samata Khatibu from Kisutu acknowledges the tireless efforts of women, which he agrees can lead to some men taking advantage of their partners.

He stresses the importance of open communication regarding financial matters, asserting that such transparency does not diminish a man's role.

"Some men, myself included, contribute to our wives' incomes. In times of need, a wife with financial resources can bail out her husband," Samata emphasises.

Similarly, Warren Victor questions the mindset of men who stress over their wives' finances, advising instead for mutual understanding and voluntary sharing when necessary.

"Her earnings are her own unless she willingly chooses to share them with you and when needed," Warren asserts.

Magolanga Shagembe, a social psychologist and President of the Tanzania Psychological Association (TAPA), sheds light on the societal programming that shapes our perceptions of gender roles within relationships.

He attributes the prevalent mindset to societal expectations ingrained since childhood, where fathers are seen as the primary providers regardless of a mother's income.

This societal conditioning, Shagembe explains, often leads to misunderstandings and feelings of indebtedness within relationships.

Shagembe emphasises the need to transcend these societal norms, advocating for a shift towards mutual responsibility and partnership within marriages.

The expert highlights the tendency for both men and women to feel uncomfortable when traditional roles are challenged, leading to friction within relationships.

He says education plays a crucial role in reshaping these perceptions from a young age. According to him, instilling the understanding that both partners share equal responsibility in building a family will enable future generations to cultivate healthier and more equitable relationships based on mutual respect and cooperation.

"It's imperative for both parents to work together as a unified team, pooling their incomes for the betterment of the family. As stewards shaping the next generation, we must impart the understanding that in nurturing a family, both paternal and maternal figures bear equal duties,” says the psychologist.

According to him, when challenges arise, it's the essence of partnership for one to step in and provide support, ensuring the continuity of life's progression.