CANDID TALK : It’s raining cats and dogs in Uswaz, we need cruise ship

The Good Lord this week decided to open all the heavenly faucets, showers, Jacuzzi, dams, drums, tanks and anything that stores water in heaven. I understand that my President, like Noah of the biblical times, wants us to leave flood-prone areas but the downpour is sparing nobody even those who live in Masaki.

Rain has incessantly been pelting down upon us -- a reminder of the days when the old geezer Noah walked the surface of the earth.

The holy writ says that the whole world, including Mt Kilimanjaro, Mt Ararat (scholars say that remains of Noah’s ark were found here) and Mt Everest were completely submerged in the downpour that came down in those days. The sun and the moon, I am told, are the only creations that remained dry.

God in those days was so pissed off with mankind and animals that he must have regretted creating them in the first place. People had become seasoned homos, drunkards, bank robbers, bribe-takers, child molesters, sexual perverts of wildest kind including dog and horse lovers just like today.

He made sure to wipe out the entire mankind save for the old geezer Noah and his humble family. I won’t get into the details but the situation here is threatening to be the same. Maybe Uswahilinites have surpassed the limits of sinfulness and the Lord is replaying scenes from the old script.

Even though I don’t live in flood-prone valleys, the pain is still the same. Gusts of rainy winds the other day tore through the windows in the wee hours of the morning that we considered climbing the roofs for safety. Half of the houses in Uswaz are waist-deep in the water. Indeed, my family is under house arrest.

I am worried stiff that that either my-one-and-only woman from the shores of Lake Victoria, Bisho Ntongo, or my twerp called Jenny, might drown.

The entire place looks more like Indian Ocean and Mediterranean Sea put together. Inside my shack, people have to literally wade through smelly brackish water from god-knows-where. All the beds have been lifted some two feet higher with bricks while bedclothes are imbibing water and this is proving to be very dangerous.

Someone should therefore supply the Uswazwith a titanic-size cruise ship complete with crew, discotheques, free bars, laundry, medical services, ablution, casinos and so on so that none of the fun-loving Uswahilinites would have to worry about a thing like Noah did during his time. Maybe that would solve our problems.