Emotions and Work: Not oil and water

Emotions - so common, so natural, and so useful, yet so stigmatized and misunderstood, hence a wasted opportunity for personal and professional growth.

Emotions are data points. They signal to us that something in us is out of balance. That some boundaries are violated; or some values are being challenged.

But in a culture conditioned to nip emotions in the bud, we go through a lifetime having developed only the emotional range of a tea spoon.

In our personal lives, we walk on the shores of the emotional world, sidestepping any waters that could get our ankles wet.

Then we go to the workplace, where being professional and emotional are akin to the insoluble oil and water. So … aluta continua! Every emotion is suffocated to … well, death? That is what we think. But alas! Unaddressed emotions don’t die … they just slide under the carpet, until one day … we blow up … worse, at work! Now what?

Normalising

Let’s face it, work can be stressful, and emotions are simply a part of our human nature. While many people like to maintain the façade of iron ladies and gentlemen at work, you will be surprised if the bathroom walls could talk and tell you how many people have sought their discretion for a tear or two.

In the book, No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power Of Embracing Emotions At Work, the authors make a bold argument: the future of work is emotional.

I expect several eyebrows to rise at this statement because the word emotional is associated with many negative experiences: losing control, shouting, crying, and making bad decisions.

But emotional can also mean authenticity, which may look like: “Can I take a break and come back to this later?” The bottom line is that we are emotional creatures, in and out of the office.

Hence, embracing, rather than condemning emotions is essential for a better workplace.

However, this doesn’t mean that we become emotional firehoses or live wires that leave everyone around us walking on eggshells.

It means that we accept emotions for what they are, and learn to regulate and communicate them in a constructive way.

Capacity for self-reflection

Anyone can experience strong emotions and may not react to them in the best way.

Especially if the person involved is a leader, it is crucial that they can demonstrate their ability for self-reflection in the event of an emotional blow-out.

Can they take accountability? Can they chart a corrective way forward and follow it? Can they identify the triggers of their outburst? The author Mark Mason describes self-awareness as an onion, where beyond what happens on the surface, such as an outburst, real growth comes from going deeper to ask why in order to identify how our underlying values influence our actions and behaviours: “why does this bother me so much?” If we are honest with ourselves, peeling the onion will be an uncomfortable experience; but if we are determined to grow, we will endure.

Selective vulnerability

I love the concept of selective vulnerability shared in the book No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power Of Embracing Emotions At Work.

To be selectively vulnerable means that we walk the line between expressing and overexpressing emotions. Leaders especially need this balance.

They need to show a bit of their emotional side to build trust, but oversharing can do the very opposite and destroy trust. Authenticity is key here.

A good rule of thumb is to identify the purpose of expressing an emotion before expressing it: do you just want to vent? Do you want something to change? Can you influence this change? Venting is important because it helps us calm down.

However, vent carefully and selectively. We want to vent to a trusted few people. A useful rule of thumb is to switch quickly from venting to a problem-solving state.

Once you have released the tension, ask yourself: what can I do differently? In the problem-solving state, we are likely going to have conversations.

Clarity is key here – focus squarely on the problem not the person: which actions and behaviours caused what impacts and what outcomes do we want to see in the future? Once every voice has been heard, then the problem is more likely to be solved in a team-spirit. Cheers to embracing and learning from emotions.