BAR GOSSIP: When you’re a night in shining armour

What you need to know:

There are situations where you have to prove your worth to a woman

So you call your mechanic and he doesn’t pick up. You call your old mechanic, the dishonest snake who kept lying about changing parts he didn’t. He picks up but he’s in the village. You can hear hens clucking in the background and – you swear – the smell of lemon. You call her and say, “Listen, you have to get someone to open that boot for you around there. Ask someone without a moustache. And anyway, aren’t those nails removable? Can’t you remove them and put them back on?” She says, “Let me find someone.” Then she hangs up. Moments later, she send a picture of the terminal. They look okay. They don’t have any cocaine on them. “Is the guy still there?” you text her. “What guy?” she asks. The guy who opened the boot for you. She says she figured it out herself (oh wow, progress).