Is there room for platonic friendships in a marriage?

By Ibrahim Habshi

There are a lot of things that may lead a married person to develop a close platonic friendship with an individual of the opposite gender.

A platonic friendship is one in which two people, of opposite sexes, share a close bond but do not have any sexual desire towards each other even though they may feel a certain type of love for each other.

A platonic relationship is different from a romantic relationship. While both types of relationships often involve having a deep friendship and sometimes even love, people in a romantic relationship are typically physically intimate whereas there is no sex or physical intimacy in a platonic relationship.

Rajab Sufian (26), agrees that it is possible to have a close friendship with a person of the opposite sex while you are married. He also adds that a close friendship would not be a problem or cause for marital destruction if there is respect and transparency between a wife and a husband.

However, in a case of having his cake and wanting to eat it too, Rajab is not fully on board with the idea of his wife being in any sort of platonic friendship with another man. “I’d be shocked, not to mention surprised because it is not something that I would imagine her engaging in,” he says.

However, he does not think that platonic friendships have helped him build and strengthen his relationship. He believes that only he and his wife are responsible for building their marriage.

On the contrary, Salma Ally (27), is not in agreement with the idea of her partner having a platonic friendship because she thinks that it may lead to infidelity in her marriage. She added that it is difficult to balance that kind of relationship with a marriage because a person can find themselves spending more time with a friend than their spouse.

“Sometimes people tend to discuss a lot of important issues and seek advice from friends instead of seeking advice and discussing those important issues with their partners,” she says.

Moreover, she said that if she finds out that her husband is engaged in a platonic friendship with another woman, she will be suspicious of her husband because she believes that there is no friendship between a man and woman which does not involve sex.

However, psychologist Salum Gomvu says that it is normal to have other close friendships while you are married and that can be caused by different things, one of which is a shared interest in something.

He also adds, however, that it is possible for platonic friendships to lead to marital decimation and some partners do use this kind of relationship as a way of cheating in their marriage.

“For instance, an individual develops a platonic friendship with another and invests a lot of time in that relationship rather than their partner, an act that will harm their marriage and lead to a deterioration and even a breakup,” he says.

Furthermore, Salum said that there are signs that show when a person is in a platonic friendships. A platonic friendship is marked by the following signs:

• Closeness: Both people in the relationship feel a certain closeness to each other and feel that they share things in common. A person can find themselves closer to a friend than their partner.

• Honesty: Both individuals feel that they can share what they really think and feel with the other person. There is a point where a wife or a husband shares their problems with a friend instead of their partners.

• Acceptance: These relationships tend to feel easy and comfortable when both people feel that they are safe and free to be themselves. Sometimes people feel more comfortable with a friend and free to open up about things and even about their marital problems.

• Understanding: People who share a platonic relationship have a connection, but they also recognise and respect each other’s personal space. They do not try to force the other person to do things they do not want to do or be something that they are not. Although, there may come a time that one desires to break that boundary, this largely depends on the commitment they have about their friendship.

A lot of people get married while they are already have close friends. At times the nature of their friendship can be put into question by their spouse and it takes someone bright and understanding to be able to distinguish, understand and live with their spouse’s platonic friendship.

Although, platonic friendships can cause marital issues, the do have certain benefits.

There are several reasons why having platonic friendships is important for your health and well-being.

Kendra Cherry, a pschologist, in her research has mentioned some of the positive effects of having a close friendship to include:

Improved health

Research suggests that having love and support from people in your life can have important health benefits. Physically, this type of platonic love and support can lower your risk for disease, improve your immunity, and decrease your risk for depression and anxiety. Your platonic support system can help provide emotional support as well. They do this by listening to what you have to say, providing advice, and helping you when you are in need.

Lower stress

Stress can take a serious toll on both your physical and mental health. Chronic or prolonged stress can contribute to health problems such as cardiac disease and high blood pressure.

Therefore, having strong platonic relationships outside of immediate family and romantic partnerships has been found to help people better cope with sources of stress.

Increased resilience

Platonic relationships can also play a role in helping you become more resilient in the face of life’s challenges.

Whether you have trouble in your romantic relationships, problems in your family, work struggles, or health challenges, your platonic relationships can support you as you weather these storms.

Kendra has continued to explain that platonic relationships are not always easy to find.

When you do establish a strong platonic bond, it is important to continue to nurture and strengthen that connection by doing the following:

• Don’t make the other person do all the work: Don’t rely on the other person to make all the plans or initiate all the contact. Reach out to them regularly to invite them to participate in activities.

• Stay in touch: Call, text, or email the other person from time to time just to keep the lines of communication open.

Let them know you are thinking of them, reach out to share a funny joke you know they’ll enjoy or just ask them how they are.

• Show up for them: Other people can be an important source of emotional support, but it’s just as important for you to reciprocate that support. Be there when they need you, even if it is just to lend an open and supportive ear.

Furthermore, it is important to know when to let go of a platonic relationship.

Unhealthy relationships can create stress, so don’t be afraid to end your association if the other person is unkind, manipulative, hurtful or doesn’t support you in the way you need.

Potential challenges of a platonic relationship

Based on different researches, platonic friendships have the potential to eventually develop into something romantic or sexual. The couple may also run the risk of losing their friendship if they end up breaking up.

If maintaining a platonic relationship is important to you, focus on establishing and maintaining clear boundaries so as to avoid the risk of losing their friendship. Those boundaries are:

• Don’t gossip or complain about your partners to each other

• Don’t engage in physical contact beyond casual intimacy (i.e., avoid things like handholding, kissing, or “friends-with-benefits” situations)

• Don’t ditch your partner to spend time with your platonic friend

• Don’t hide your platonic friendship from your partner

• Give each other plenty of space

• Make time for your other relationships

Salum concludes that having the right person in your life will help, not to shift the focus and attention of their friend out of their marriage.

Also, the psychologist advices those who are married to avoid platonic friendships with people of the opposite gender because it may harm their marriage.