Learning how to cope with workplace bullying

A few years back, someone asked me why it was so easy for me to move from one place to the next and still be able to adapt and survive.

I answered her and said that it was possibly because growing up, I moved around a lot, thanks to my dad’s job.

However, as time went by, I started evaluating the conscious decisions I made as an adult to relocate from one town to the next or one country to the next.

I came to identify a pattern that had a lot to do with getting away from problems.

This became even more apparent and clear in my areas of work. I left a lot of my companies because of workplace bullies.

I came to learn that it is such a common occurrence and is not gender specific.

Men and women alike face some form of bullying in their professional journey.

Mrs Elizabeth Akida, a marketing exec by profession was a well of experience when it came to workplace bullying.

Being a woman, in a vastly man’s world, her experiences with work bullying have taken such a toll on her to the point that she quit one job.

As I spoke to her, she emphasized to me how important it is to learn to hold your head high. “Sometimes bullies are simply a sign that you are doing something right and that is not something you should be ashamed of,” she said. “Never give a bully the chance to back you up into a corner.”

What is workplace bullying?

Like the name itself implies, workplace bullies are individuals who purposefully go out of their way to make another person’s work life a nightmare.

Wikipedia defines workplace bullying as a persistent pattern of mistreatment from others in the workplace that causes either physical or emotional harm.

It can include such tactics as verbal, nonverbal, psychological, and physical abuse, as well as humiliation.

This type of workplace aggression is particularly difficult because, unlike the typical school bully, workplace bullies often operate within the established rules and policies of their organization and their society.

As adults, living in a somewhat sane world, we’d expect that our colleagues and the people with whom we spend the most time with to find ways to be civil and cordial but the reality is some individuals are wired to simply be nasty.

Work bullying is harmful and it might be spiteful, offensive, mocking, or intimidating.

It forms a pattern, and it tends to be directed at one person or a few people. It is very difficult to identify and even call out bullies in places of work for so many reasons amongst which the most common is that desire to maintain the peace and image.

However, this tends to come at such a cost that in many cases drive the victims to making drastic decisions such as quitting or simply make it so difficult for one to look forward to work, let alone be productive.

What work bullying looks like?

In the era we live in, bullying has taken so many faces that it has become so difficult to identify it or accept it as a form of bullying.

“In the majority of cases, bullying in the workplace is reported as having been done by someone who has authority over the victim. However, bullies can also be peers, and occasionally subordinates,” Elizabeth explains.

Work bullying could look like targeted practical jokes, being purposely misled about work duties, like incorrect deadlines or unclear directions, continued denial of requests for time off without an appropriate or valid reason, threats, humiliation, and other verbal abuse, excessive performance monitoring and overly harsh or unjust criticism.

Criticism or monitoring isn’t always bullying. For example, objective and constructive criticism and disciplinary action directly related to workplace behaviour or job performance aren’t considered bullying.

However, criticism meant to intimidate, humiliate, or single someone out without reason would be considered bullying.

In the workplace, bullying behaviours might be:

Verbal: This could include mockery, humiliation, jokes, gossip, or other spoken abuse.

Intimidating: This might include threats, social exclusion in the workplace, spying, or other invasions of privacy.

Related to work performance: Examples include wrongful blame, work sabotage or interference, or stealing or taking credit for ideas.

Retaliatory: In some cases, talking about the bullying can lead to accusations of lying, further exclusion, refused promotions, or other retaliation.

These incidents may seem random at first. If they continue, you may worry that something you did caused them and fear you’ll be fired or demoted.

Thinking about work, even on your time off, may cause anxiety and dread.

Why bullies bully

I remember the toll workplace bullies had on me and how difficult it was for me to stay consistent in any job.

I remember my pastor, who is also a certified counsellor, calling me to her office for a chat. She asked me about work and I poured my heart out.

“There’s no one reason why people bully, but many people who engage in this conduct either feel powerless, suffer from insecurity, feel the need to control others makes them feel they are worth something while some simply enjoy the kick they get from bullying,” explained Pastor Titi.

How to identify or understand why one bullies may help you understand and process the situation better but more often than not, we find ourselves trying to balance the emotional turmoil and toil that comes from our work bullies that it becomes impossible to think straight.

1. It’s them not you: Bullies do and behave as they do, not because of who you are, rather as a reflection of who they truly are. They may consider you an easy target simply because they hope it would make them relevant but rarely will they come up to you and confront you of their issues.

These types of bullies are more likely to spread malicious rumour, defame you and drag your name through the mud.

2. Insecurity: Bullies at work sometimes find themselves feeling insecure because they feel their work relevance is threatened and rather than push themselves to grow, they would rather victimize someone that threatens them.

These types of bullies are more likely to try and sabotage your work for example by giving you wrong deadlines or conveniently forget to notify you of a meeting, only to make you loose credibility.

3. Inferiority complex issues: Bullies love to feel superior and those that feel inadequate in different areas off their lives are more likely to find an avenue to raise their feelings of inadequacy.

These types of bullies could get verbal and at times have no qualms getting physical because they believe this will make them appear powerful.

4. Jealousy: Jealousy is probably the most common and ageless reason for bullying and defamation. Jealous people don’t always see reason and logic because they already have a contorted image of the situation and this is poisonous because they replay it over and over until it becomes the reality they see. Bullying that stems out of jealousy is very similar to that of insecure people.

5. Broken pasts: The saying that goes “hurt people hurt” is quite possibly the deepest rooted reason for certain bullies.

Dealing with trauma, in whatever form it may have come, is no easy task. Some bullies are simply wounded individuals who are simply projecting.

These individuals would then act out their bullying in a variety of ways depending on the kind of trauma they endured.

Physical bullies probably endured a lot of physical violence while verbal or emotional bullies probably had to put up with verbal and emotional abuse or trauma.

How do you deal with your work bully?

“What do you think you gain by each scenario you play in your head?” she asked me. I had no idea how I would handle them but this was Pastor Titi’s advice to working with bullies:

1. Ignore: Ignoring a bully in my experience has proven to be sanity-inducing. Bullies will use your reaction as fuel and in that way, continue to poke and trigger you.

2. Change the narrative: You will learn early on that you have no control over who says what, when or to who, let alone why they do it. Changing the narrative does not mean you confront the rumour mill or your bullies to try and change the story.

It also does not mean you go out of your way to prove a point because chances are, you will seem desperate.

Changing the narrative, as I have come to learn, means using your particular skillset, tools, platform or resources to place yourself in a place of advantage over your bullies.

It could, in essence, mean changing or levelling your fighting ground.

3. Try to keep your composure: When provoked and triggered, it may seem logical to retaliate or say something in your defence. However, in a place of work, it is very important to consider the impact your retaliation may have on your professional image because in any confrontation, it is very easy for the situation to escalate in the heat of the moment.

4. Escape if you can: Ask if you can move your desk far away from the bully or limit your interactions with them whenever possible. If that fails, try again. Can you switch to another position in the organization?

5. Document the offenses: Document every single offense and try to keep the records for as long as possible. You may need them if you want to file a complaint at work or, in some cases, a police report if the bully’s actions become emotionally or physically damaging.

How can companies deal with bullies?

1. Policies set: Many companies pride themselves in creating a safe and conducive work environment. In our society, policies set can so easily overlook or blur the lines on what constitutes as bullying behaviour and how one should address it.

2. Act on bullies: Sometimes, it is necessary to take action on bullies to set a precedent that bullying of any form will not be tolerated. This will go a long way in giving peace to victims.

3. Create safe environments for people to air their worries: Many victims of bullying do not come forward out of fear of how they will be perceived and what action would be taken on their bully. However in many instances, many bulling acts are treated with a laissez faire attitude because the scope for what bullying is rarely is set.

It is important to create a safe environment for workers and maybe consider hiring a company therapist or counsellor.

4. Take complaints seriously from both genders: Taking one gender’s complaints more seriously over others does occur, with many being more sympathetic with female complaints over male complaints. Men can be bullied just as easily as women can.

Adults, just like children can be vicious bullies. To avoid a toxic work environment, it is important for organisation managers and colleagues alike to work together and protect each other, if only to achieve a common goal.