PARENTING : Keeping calm when your child acts up

Basic needs and he feels “good”. Predictable routines, plenty of sleep, cuddles and quality connection time all help children to be at their best. But every child has times when life just seems too much for them, and they cannot behave the way you would like. That’s when they act most childish (just like adults!).

We all know that when we respond to those difficult times by losing ourcool, tempers escalate and a small storm can turn into a full-scale tornado that sweeps all our good intentions away. What can you do to keep your cool and settle your child down? Here is a five-step plan.

1. Make sure you aren’t running on empty.

You can’t act much nicer than you feel. If your own cup is empty, how can you give to your child? Find sustainable ways to keep your nature sunny, so you can give your child the best of yourself and keep your own emotions regulated. That keeps you ready to rise to the occasion when your child signals he needs you. How does he do that? By misbehaving!

Can’t find a way to let the sun in? You owe your child, and yourself, a change. You’re the grown-up, so get whatever help you need to show up with unconditional love for your child.

2. Stop, drop and breathe. Train yourself.

As soon as you start getting furious, try breathing in and out right away. Drop whatever you are doing, whether that means turning off the stove, pulling the car to the side of the road, or telling your friend you will call her back. Just take a break and take a few deep breaths. “It may sound childish but an emotional outburst can be controlled. You start physically and breathing in keeps your mind calm which gives a chance to keep you from the urge to fight,” says Anne Karemera, a retired paediatrician.

3. Remind yourself.

This is an opportunity, not an emergency. Whenever your child is getting out of hand, take it for a chance to get closer to them by helping him or her work through whatever is bothering them– and teaching them to manage emotions by role-modelling emotional intelligence. Children learn more by watching our behaviour than by what we say. However, you act with your child when she is four is how she will act with you when she is 14. Would not you rather have a teenager who helps you calm down rather than one who screams at you?

4. Watch your tone and bite your tongue, if necessary.

Research shows that the more calmly we speak, the more calm we feel, and the more calmly others respond to us. When we use highly charged words, it makes both us and our listener even more upset and the situation escalates. This is not only an important lesson for life, but more so for parenting. Think your child needs to learn a lesson? It’s more likely to stick if you wait until both of you calm down to teach it.

5. It’s never too late.

If you suddenly realize you’ve been hijacked by your own emotions, just stop. Breathe. Shake out your hands to let some of that anger drain out. Say “Mommy needs to calm down” and walk away if necessary. It will get easier the more often you manage to get your emotions under control. The more often you can stop in mid-scream, the more often you’ll find you can cool down before you even open your mouth.

When things heat up, when you feel like you are at your wits end, these five steps can seem impossible. But if you just keep practicing, they become second nature, and the whole tone in your home gets sunnier.

Next time your child “provokes you,” you will rise to the occasion and avert the stormy weather.

Why children act up

Children want your attention. When my grandchildren act up, I know they are doing it to get my attention. Sometimes they might be feeling a little anxious, bored, insecure, hungry, tired or uncomfortable because their needs might not be getting met.

Children don’t always know what is expected of them. When raising a child you have little understanding about what children can do at each stage of their development and so you have unrealistic expectations about their behaviour and their ability to understand what you want from them. They do not understand your rules, and you hold them to expectations that are beyond their age levels.

Children misbehave when they are afraid. You may have been used to hit and threaten your child thinking it is the best way to keep an upper hand and control as the parent. But you do not realise that when they feel threatened or afraid, they will act out as a way of protecting themselves. Using physical force thus will not help to keep your child under control, instead it is a sign that you yourself are losing control.

Children learn bad behaviours by copying you. If you yell at your kid, sooner or later it will yell back. Your children learn by watching you.

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