When men become dependant, women abhor them

A man sorting through the clothing rack in a store during a shopping spree. PHOTO|FILE

Summary

  • Societal norms are shifting and complaints of men wanting to be kept are on the rise. Who is responsible; complacent men or enabling women?

Men, it is time we sit down and have a serious talk; our reputation is in jeopardy!

There has been some inappropriate behaviour trending of late that men aren’t traditionally known for, and it’s reflecting badly on all of us.

One particular trend is that of men dating rich ladies and preying on them.

As men, demanding material things and money from women doesn’t reflect how our ancestors used to live.

Our forefathers used to work to bring home the bacon, so where did we go wrong?

It is true that having a woman who caters to your every whim is like winning the lottery. She is likely to assist you in your plans as well as ease the burden of life.

However, ladies out there complain about the burden that men become when they depend on them completely. These men prefer idling because they have hardworking partners who are financially secure. They demand luxury and, at times, money for things as simple as bus fares.Many of us wonder if men of this calibre will be able to fulfil their role as dependable fathers to their families.

If the conversation isn’t about sports, chances are that it is about rich ladies and how wealthy one would become if they pursued and dated these aunties.

Men who like an easy and luxurious life won’t see any problem staying in their lovers’ apartments.

They will behave as though they were the house owners, eating, sleeping, and making demands, but still, they wouldn’t lift a finger to contribute a cent to cover the utility bills, fuel for the cars they enjoy driving around, and shopping for the groceries they enjoy in the home.

These men will go even a step further to bring their dirty clothes and shoes for laundry. Surprisingly, they will even leave some of their belongings behind when marking their territory.

Why would you leave your underwear at your girlfriend’s apartment? What are you trying to communicate?

This isn’t a breach of the guy code; it is the wakeup call that many guys in this position probably needed. The women are tired, but some choose not to speak out for fear of causing trouble in paradise.

Yes, you might be broke, but you can do or prepare something for your lady that shows that you are trying.

Can you imagine how happy your lady would be when you, despite not earning much, go out of your way to plan something special just for her that she doesn’t have to foot the bill for?

We are not going anywhere with this trend of having ladies work hard while we, their men, sit idly by, expecting to be provided for and catered for. Simply put, it will not work.


Words from the street

With all these hefty accusations, Life&Style went on to discuss this strange trend with readers who were in relationships of their own to see just how severe the situation really is.

Nancy Samwell, a businesswoman based in Dar es Salaam, explains that there are times when a person can’t have all the things they desire, but if they have that one special person, everything goes smoothly.

“It doesn’t matter how demanding a man is as long as he cares for me, buys me a small gift every now and then, and makes me feel special, then I wouldn’t mind spoiling that man to eternity,” she says.

According to Jumanne Abdul, a motorist based in Sinza, the reason as to why rich ladies are preyed upon is the misconception that many men wouldn’t wish to date women richer than them. This leaves them desperate for a relationship, and at the end, they fall into the wrong hands because of their compromise.

University student Emily Avens explains that men who are lazy and love luxury will always seek out rich women.

“Caring for your man is not a big deal. It only becomes a problem when the man begins to take you for granted and uses you as an opportunity to solve his financial problems,” she says.

Cuthbert Ludovick, a Bachelor of Arts in Filming and Television student, believes that men should be the ones to make things happen rather than women.

“Any lady would love a man who is willing to take care of her, regardless of what he earns. Preying on your girlfriend is not a positive character trait attributed to a gentleman,” he says.

Tekla Mathew, a student of theatre arts at the University of Dar es Salaam, suggests that honesty and care are what strengthen a relationship.

“Having a man who depends on you for everything is not good. Both of us should play our roles and share what we have,” she explains.

According to Brenda Fabian, each one should fulfil their duties and make sure that the relationship grows. Partners should love and support each other regardless of their financial status.

Razak Ibrahim, who owns a liquor store in Mwenge, details that things have changed compared to the old days and that the number of women ascending to prominence keeps on increasing. This should challenge men to be much wiser and work harder.


What you need to know

We are living in times where equality is stressed. Both men and women should work hard and care for each other.

A good relationship is based on love, trust, and understanding. However, not everybody is genuine. Some people enter relationships for financial gain, so one has to be careful with their choice of partner.

There are ways you can spot a partner who has entered a relationship with ill intent, and some of these include:


Complete financial dependency

It’s normal to face financial difficulties, but it becomes abusive to prey on your lover. Don’t take advantage of your lover when they care and are willing to support you financially. It’s sad that some people go to the extent of faking stories to get money from their lovers. That is conning!


Can’t live on a budget

An individual who enters a relationship for financial gain often struggles to live within their means and is not ready to plan with you because they are there to spend. They will never contribute, nor will they sit down to budget with you.

Mariam Raphael, a businesswoman based in Gongo la Mboto in Dar es Salaam, advises that ladies who are good financially need to be aware of their partners’ lavish tendencies. A man has no right to manage the money you have earned through your hard work.

“You shouldn’t save money only to have it spent irresponsibly by your lover. Saving and planning should be practised by the both of you,” says Mariam.

“If you’re not careful, you might end up as a sponsor while in love. Love without money is not going to work, but that doesn’t mean spending lavishly,” she explains.


Makes selfish excuses

Unnecessary excuses are one of the most common indicators that your lover is there for personal gain. They will always be there when they are in need.

Suzy Rhobi, a local makeup artist, says her boyfriend is the last person she turns to when she is having problems. He cares less for her and her needs.

“When my man gets the check, you won’t see him around, and he won’t even spend the days with me. But when he is finished, he comes back with plenty of stories. Whenever I was in need financially, he would claim that he was broke,” she narrates.


Attitude when something doesn’t work

Another good way to tell a gold digger from a true partner is the way they atone for their mistakes or their attitude towards you when you humbly say something as honest as “I’m sorry, babe, I don’t have it at the moment.” You may have been helping them out and solving their problems, but all that will be forgotten once you fail to provide for them.

Someone who truly loves you will work harder to make sure that both of your needs are met. If they can’t grasp this, chances are they simply don’t care about you.

Speaking with Ukonga-based shop owner Shanny Shantel, she shares that there are men who will have plenty of excuses to justify their lavish spending. Despite their spending habits, they will never buy you anything.

“It saddens me because whenever I talk to my boyfriend about finding a job or question his irresponsible tendencies that waste money, he becomes angry and yells at me,” says Shanny.

To quarrel while in a relationship is normal. However, if the love is genuine, there will always be patience and understanding.


They believe your possessions are theirs

Men of this calibre are prone to believing that whatever their partner owns is also theirs.

They may begin slowly by leaving things in her house, and when they fail to pay their rent, they end up moving into her space, sometimes against her will.

Other self-possessing habits will extend to her other properties, such as her car, credit card, and any other unisex item they think they can get away with using.

Sadly, most of the time they don’t return the borrowed property back, believing that because you are lovers, they have the right to own it as well. There is no need to demand your things back. And when they do return it, it is probably damaged.

The social construct has always deemed men the providers, and when men become complacent in their roles, women are forced to pick up the mantle.

Unfortunately, this has created a generation of dependent males, and women are fed up with having to cater to men who spend lavishly.

Men, it’s up to us to tip the scales and end this negative dependency on women.