My wife has another lover

I dare say that in a committed relationship, nothing hurts more, or is hard to recover from than a cheating spouse. It is even harder when the female partner is cheating. Male cheating is harmful but when a woman cheats most relationships come to an end.

In a recent popular scenario, a famous politician in Kenya was allegedly cheated on by his wife. They are not divorced,  but the other man was found dead. Without shifting the focus, this incident poses a tough question to those in relationships: What really happens when another man exists?

All that glitters is not gold

Josephat Kimaro, 42, got married 12 years ago. Before his marriage, he had a serious relationship with Suzzane, a mother of his two children. Too bad he could not marry Suzzane as in his tribe, it is forbidden to marry a woman with children out of wedlock.

He moved in with Suzzane and her children for two years,  but his relatives visited and chased her, they insisted on a girl who had never had a child.

Since he wanted to impress his parents, he left Suzzane for Erika and a year later they got married.

“Deep inside my heart, I loved Suzzane. My decision to marry Erika was to satisfy my parents. Poor me.  I didn’t know that Erika too had children. She kept the secret from me; but the shocking truth came out five years later,” says Josephat.

According to Josephat, the step children were not a problem to him but to his parents. This time again they wanted them to  separate;  but since Josephat had two children with Erika, he said ‘no’ to his parents.

“I didn’t want to hurt my children by separating from their mother. We had a serious fight with my parents,  but I could not let them ruin my family again. It took almost a year to make things okay. After the serious fight I came to realise that my wife was cheating,” he says.

“I wish I had known that my wife was cheating on me all this time. I came to realise that she was seeing another man after my parents had accepted the fact that going separate ways with my wife was not an option,” he says.

After the fight with Josephat’s parents, Erika showed less interest in his comings and goings, she dressed up for work and cared less about Josephat’s advice about her looks.

She also had less interest in sex with him and she kept an irregular schedule. She also spent more time at work. These things gave Josephat a sign that she might be cheating. It was true.

“I took my time to investigate until I caught her with another man having fun at a beach. I was shocked; I don’t want to recall the incident. I felt stupid. I provided her with everything. Until now I can’t understand what really pushed her into unfaithfulness,” he says.

When it comes to infidelity, men are more forgiving than you might expect, according to a new online survey.

The survey, conducted by Survive Her Affair, polled 1,500 men who had been cheated on and found that more than 71 per cent of them said they still loved their wife after the affair.

What’s more surprising is that, 92 per cent of the betrayed men said they either wanted to save their marriages or were unsure.  A more general 2012 survey by dating site OurTime.com showed that at least 42 per cent of adults would be willing to work on a relationship with a sexually unfaithful partner.

There are consequences

Well, for Josephat, dealing with his wife was quite a battle. To cover up this mess, he got back home in the company of a friend without saying a word. He decided to travel for a week to cool off his temper. Upon his return, he took Erika to church for a meeting with their priest.

However,  Erika confessed and promised not to do it again; Josephat was not satisfied. They went for a HIV/Aids check-up. They are still husband and wife, but as  for the conjugal rights, they’ve decided to protect themselves since he does not trust her any more.

According to Urio Mbago, a marriage counsellor, in recent years there has been a rise in the number of men who have been betrayed by their spouse.

While there is an overall consensus among professionals that female infidelity is on the rise, he says that, it is often much more damaging to a marriage when a woman is the cheater.

Male cheating is also bad. But when a woman fools around, it is often the death knell to a couple’s relationship.

“When a wife does cheat on her husband, she is more likely to have an emotional affair.  Women are less likely to have a one night stand compared to men because they are naturally, emotional beings. Wives tend to cheat with someone who is part of their social group a friend; a co-worker, someone from school, church, etc,” he says.

They often have affairs with men who have more status and resources than their husband. 

Women are also likely to cheat with men who are better relational partners; someone who is more attentive, appreciative and more understanding.

It is for these reasons that a marriage is unlikely to survive when there is another man in the picture.

The blurry line between a cordial relationship and love affair

A year ago Robert found a chat history between his wife and her ex on Facebook after the wife forgot to log off. It was just a normal conversation, but he still entered into a fight with his wife. They agreed to completely cut off communication with the exes.

“By chatting with her ex on Facebook, she made it clear that she was not doing anything wrong. I was happy to learn that there was nothing serious going on. All the same, I still don’t trust her,” says Robert.

“I spend alot of time marking her because I know how difficult it is to tolerate a cheating wife.  I’m protecting my marriage and my wife from silly temptations,” adds Robert.

A Pew Research Centre survey of US adults revealed that nearly 90 per cent of participants said it is morally wrong for married individuals to have an affair, which may or may not involve sex. About the same percentage said adultery is morally wrong.

According to Mbago, it is never easy to recover from cheating but it is important to understand the emotions following infidelity.

The couple have to go through a time filled with strong emotions, ranging from anger and self-blame to periods of appreciation for the relationship.  Then follows a time where the cheating spouse has to retreat physically and emotionally from the relationship, and reaches out to others for help.

He said that the last stage is trust building for couples who have decided to make their marriage work. They have to show commitment to the relationship for injured parties to begin forgiving and building trust.

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