The power of an authentic apology

When President Kenyatta called his political nemesis Raila Odinga onto stage recently and asked for his forgiveness whilst tendering his apology, the hairs at the back of my neck stood. It was so surreal, a totally breathtaking moment both for its rarity and beauty. But most of all, it won hearts and minds because it was such a great act of humility. I cannot recall a President in recent past that has demonstrated such an act of humility in the authentic manner President Kenyatta did. Now, before the naysayers weigh in with their alternative view, let me share what I thought made it authentic.

• It was said without conditions; and,

• the language that preceded the apology was not one seeking to justify the wrong act. It was simply an admission of wrongs done.

• He did not just tender the apology, he asked for forgiveness first

Many leaders have tendered apologies but mostly the apology is lost in the myriad of words used making the apology lose its authenticity. Consider instances when people have bundled their apology alongside explanations of why they did what they did, or when apologies are issued that include the phrase “if you were offended/upset/angered etc”. These types of statements seek to justify or normalise the act whilst shifting the blame to the offended party. It actually sounds like it’s your fault you got offended, you shouldn’t have, you must be super sensitive.

Listening to President Kenyatta’s words spoke to my heart. Those words did not seek to connect with logic, they sought to connect with the heart, the emotional ‘nerve-center’ and I was compelled to believe he meant what he said.

Often times in leadership, such displays of humility are seen as signs of weakness. But in my view, there is nothing more courageous than a contrite heart. It takes a great dose of courage to show sincere remorse, a sense of guilt and the desire for atonement. It is no mean feat and that is why so many of us never mind president’s find it so tough to do. True apologies require putting honesty and honor above self-preservation and it is hugely uncomfortable. Those that do, truly are brave. Far from the view commonly held that apologising should not be done by leaders, learning how to apologise and doing it properly is powerful. It communicates to those that you lead various things such as:

• You are human and make mistakes.

• Shows your vulnerability which helps to bring you closer to those that you lead as they begin to see you in more human terms and not just their boss

• You are to be trusted to take responsibility for your actions.

• You are humble and inclined towards servant leadership.

Having established that apologising authentically is not easy and getting it wrong can bring huge backlash, here are some tips to sharpen your art of apologising from Erica Andersen:

1. I’m sorry or I apologise. No apology is complete without this statement. It communicates that you truly regret your behavior or actions.

2. Stay in the first person when you apologize. For example, do not say, I am sorry….you didn’t understand me, instead say, I am sorry I did not make myself clear.

3. Don’t equivocate. Once you have said what you regret about your actions or words do not make excuses that will then water it down. Erica gives this example – “I’m sorry we haven’t gotten back to you about your security deposit, but you have to understand we’ve got hundreds of tenants.” That for sure does not feel like an apology now does it?

4. Address how you will fix it. For example, “ I am sorry we haven’t gotten back to you about your security deposit. We’ll have an answer to you by this Friday.”

5. Do it. Once you have apologised, follow through with the change in behavior. In the event that no changes are apparent, it becomes worse than not having apologised in the first place. When it is not followed through, it makes people around you including those you lead question not only your courage but also your trustworthiness.

When you next find your foot in your mouth and you have fences to rebuild, leave your ego at the parking lot, forget the perfect reasons that explain and justify your actions, lose the defensivenes, eliminate the excuses, stem the fear roar into courage and give that heartfelt, authentic apology to those you have wronged. Let your contrite heart connect with those listening to you, let them hear your voice. Let them know that you are self aware enough to recognise that for every mistake made, restitution is the only way to bring the team back into the fold.