Two faces of relationships in this part of the globe

Skimming through agony letters in a newspaper last Sunday, I stumbled upon an interesting complaint by a young female. Still in her twenties, she was frustrated with the constant search for a lover, claiming it always fails. Romances beginning in fire, joy, then ending in ash, shreds and decay.

As annoying as it is, the young missus was still determined – dreams and yearns for a permanent companion. Bottom line? She hates being single.

Replying, the agony aunt insisted that the woman is better off being alone than living in a toxic relationship for the sake of love.

Which makes sense.

Why would you be in a loveless, even violent relationship (or marriage) just because you need a bed, shopping, watching TV, romance and a breakfast companion?

The insistence on being happy alone, rather than living in a dull union, has been ongoing for decades on our planet. And this carries us to a more interesting section, which is the solid reality of unhappy, conflicted 21st century folks.

Lack of compromise means marriages do not last any more. People do not have the time, the patience , the courage to waste on “difficult” love.

Today’s generation of unions finds the word “compromise” to be boring and annoying. Back in the day, our great grandparents knew tolerance. Tolerance and patience were expected and generally applauded. In our fast living May 2022, those words equal suffocation instead of happiness.

I was speaking to an Asian student happily studying and living in London.

She said: “When I came here a year ago I was shocked to hear that people marry two, three times. Back home couples stay together for life. When you don’t like the marriage you try HARD to make it work. It is actually expected. You sacrifice and pray and toil by any means. This makes (and means) families are much more stable than here.”

Wow!

Say that to London, New York, Berlin, Amsterdam couples?

There would be a debate.

“He cheated on me. If guys cheat we can cheat too. Who do they think we are? Door mats?” (Female)

“She can’t be bothered to cook? I cook. She doesn’t want to clean? I will clean the house.” (Male)

“We always have arguments, but it is exhausting. I can’t come home to this rubbish. I’m tired and stressed from work. I don’t want to live a life of constant fighting. Best to be apart.” (Female/ Male)

“Children suffering? Better one of us stay with them. We share the job. If he is drinking, he can go live by himself. He wants to see the kids, he can do it on weekends or whenever he is sober. I will raise the kids. I have the money. I’m not going to depend on a drunk.” (Female)

“Every bloody weekend is the same thing. Going out with friends. Going to see that show. Partying. And partying again. Buying nice clothes. Buying the latest shoes. See the latest movie. Attend expensive concerts. I don’t have the energy to go out every bloody weekend. How about us chilling at home, glass of wine. Bowl of crisps. Enjoying fish and chips. How about me? Where did the sitting-on-the-sofa romance disappear to? No time for that? No time for us? Did she marry me or the partying? She can get lost!” (Male)

Just a few examples of arguments and disagreements and hot-headedness. These situations are no longer compromised because people don’t have THE TIME.

Let us examine a few quotes.

American Nicholas Sparks is a popular author of romantic and relationship novels, especially, for younger adults. He is famed for a clear language, amazing narration, and challenging thoughts. His books attract struggling readers who want to learn and deal with their own moral issues.

Nicholas Sparks: “Relationship is about forgiveness and compromise. It is about balance where one person complements each other.”

In my journeys across the planet I have found that “saying sorry” tends to be hard because of anger, frustration and hurt. I find us Tanzanians to be amongst the most forgiving. However, topping the list are those who know and understand humility.

The hardest is about money.

Scriptures always warn.

The Bible, Mathew 6:24

“ No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”

And the most difficult?

The Quran, Annisa, Surat 128.

“Compromise is better.”

Even tougher?

Wiser ?

An African proverb sums up a trickier mind-set.

“If love is a sickness, patience is the remedy.”

Or

“A clever king is the brother of peace.”