CANDID TALK : How a snake spoiled a tea party

The holy writ, in the book of Genesis 1:13 says, “And God saw everything that he had created, and, behold, it was very good”.

Of course even the cobra was good to behold! In his divine wisdom, the good Lord realized that in order to complete the creation equation, animals that send shivers down my spine and fire my one-and-only Bisho Ntongo and my daughter Jenny to let out blood-curdling screams whenever they pay a “cordial” visit in my two-roomed shack.

I desist from debating on the divine wisdom of creating annoying animals such as rats, snakes, mosquitoes, scorpions and flies that make human life miserable for if I did, I will be crucified by my local padre, Fr Rutashobya, for blasphemy.

Other “good” creations include irksome rats. For example, it shows up somewhere between my junk of a computer and fridge, smiles, mischievously winks at me and vanishes into the crannies especially when I have visitors. Now, rats have brought in new problems.

Apart from eating to shreds my school and college certificates, they have become a new attraction for snakes, another of God’s creation that is also ‘good’.

It was rat, crows, scorpions, centipedes, lizards and spiders before but now, I have a new problem – those slithering, hissing creeps – the snakes!

Because of these unwanted visitors, my one-and-only woman, Bisho Ntongo has been branded a witch at the Uswaz International Primary School (although there is nothing international about it).

A fortnight ago, Bisho Ntongo arrived home, very weary after having “eaten” chalk at the school. Indeed, she was in no mood to talk to us lesser mortals. I want either because I has also spent the day clawing to the bones at the keyboard, writing third-rate stories like the one you are now reading.

Having tossed her huge handbag in which she carries lesson plans, schemes of work and other teacher paraphernalia somewhere under the couch, a witty snake decided to convert her handbag into a sleeping bag.

The damn creep quietly slithered into the handbag and had a fitful sleep.

The next morning, she did not bother to check inside the bag. The snake must have swallowed a toad for even as Bisho Ntongo elbowed her way into a daladala, the damn thing was unperturbed by the commotion.

It is while teachers were having tea that the snake, snugly sleeping in the bag decided that it was time to leave. In the staff room, in the presence of other teachers, the snake shot out of her handbag as she was opening it! She let out a blood-curdling scream as teachers ran for their dear lives. She fainted!