ONE MAN'S VIEW: Why it is futile to try to change a man

Monday September 21 2020


By Marete Wa Marete

New love is something to behold. I am not talking about high school crushes we had with girls in the neighbouring girls’ schools – the kind our headmaster sarcastically dubbed “puppy” love. No! I am talking about that woman or man you were attracted to for no apparent reason (?). When I say for “no apparent reason” is because she was not your ideal woman – and you have resentments.

What could have started as a casual relationship (sometimes a hit and run) now haunts the man. He finally realised that he can think of nothing else. The same happens to women. I can bet that more than 80 percent of relationships, even those that lead to marriage are purely “accidental”.

Three years down the road and cracks start showing. You first did not notice that your man has a habit of picking his nose, caressing his crotch, peeing on the roadside or any other irritating habit and you hate all of this. You decide to take up the role of mothering him. Just forget it. He won’t change!

What most women do not understand is that by trying to change a man, he feels controlled, manipulated, unloved and rejected. The man like the proverbial Lucinda the donkey we read in nursery school will do the exact opposite of what the woman wants.

Wise women do not try to change their men. Much of their behaviour is as cast as the dye. One category of men will become incredibly defensive and stubborn when a woman tries to change him or the second category will agree to change but revert back to the old habits.

Man resists changes either passively or actively. John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus advises women to never ask too many questions when he is upset or he will feel that you are trying to change him. Also, he further says that you should give up trying to improve him. He needs your love and not rejection to grow.


Any unsolicited advice makes a man feel controlled, mistrusted or rejected. When a man becomes stubborn and resists change, he is not feeling loved; he is afraid to admit his mistakes for fear of not being loved.