Real men don’t run away from responsibilities

We are living in an era where gender roles seem to be changing at a fast pace given the number of women taking over as heads of households.

Apart from statistics in the national census showing a rise in female-headed households (singles), today married women are increasingly becoming the breadwinners owing to irresponsible husbands.

Some men are becoming so irresponsible that all they do with their money is drink and engage in extra-marital affairs. They shamelessly return home with empty hands daily, reap what they did not sow and bark orders one after another.

When this happens, women don’t just sit and watch their families starve. Even housewives just struggle and make sure they put food on the table. They engage in petty trade and join lending and savings groups, the likes of Vicoba (Village Community Banks) and merry-go-round schemes where they save the little money they lay their hands on so they can later borrow money for the upkeep of their families.

For those who are employed and earning a salary, apart from joining Vicoba, they too engage in extra income generating activities to augment their salaries.

Being the sole bread winner is a daunting task for most women given that it has always been the men’s role to provide for their families. The sudden switch of roles has left women with high debts, led to depression in some cases, high blood pressure, heart attacks and in worst cases, death.

To avoid these, some women have been bold enough to call it quits. However, there are those who continue to suffer expecting their husbands would change one day.

Farida*, a resident of Segerea decided to go her separate way after years of suffering in the hands of an irresponsible husband. Despite failing to provide for his family, Farida’s engineer husband would spend days at a place only known to himself.

Whenever he returned home, he would hurl insults at her especially when she demaded to know where he had been or if she asked him for money for food.

The 39-year-old business woman did not see why she should continue living with her careless husband since apart from causing her stress and misery, he had no respect for her.

Farida says her ex-husband used to be a loving and caring father and husband but changed when he started seeing another woman.

“My ex-husband works with a reputable company and so money was not a problem. Life was good in the first years of our marriage. Things changed after the birth of our second born. That’s when his behaviour changed,” says Farida who runs a hair dressing salon in Tabata.

She says he used to give her Sh300,000 for monthly family upkeep, then all of a sudden, he reduced the amount to between Sh10,000 and 15,000 per day. He further reduced the amount to Sh 5,000 after which he stopped leaving money behind completely.

“He used to tell me he had no money but because I used to run a salon and boutique, I would chip in using money from the business. I used to believe his stories that he did not have money,” recalls Farida.

Farida knew something was wrong when her ex-husband failed to pay Sh 300,000 fees for their son when he was enrolling for Standard One at a private school. As usual, he claimed he did not have money.

“He wanted our children to enrol in a public school instead but I was not ready for this. This is when it hit home that he was using his money for things he only knew because he used to earn a fat salary,” she says. He later found out that her husband had started another family.

The mother of two almost drained her bank account to make sure her children went to an English medium school. Despite seeking her in-laws’ intervention, her husbands behaviour did not change, prompting Farida to pack her belongings.

Today she is single and happy though she says it hasn’t been an easy journey. Farida thanks God that her children are now in secondary school, in forms three and four respectively. She does not regret her decision and is grateful to God for the courage to have said enough was enough which is usually not an easy thing to do.

“Today I only worry about repaying the Vicoba money which is what has seen me and my children this far. I have to borrow from time to time to manage. But I am happy I don’t have to suffer the stress of a cheating and careless husband,” Farida says.

*Susan, a single mother in Sinza shares a similar story. She used to work in the same office as her partner and life was good until when Susan conceived. Six months into her pregnancy, her partner found a better paying job and moved out from the house they used to share after some time in the new office.

“He cut off communication gradually and stopped answering my calls at some point. He was not there for me during the three remaining months of pregnancy and neither did he respond to my text messages. It really pained me when he ignored my call when I was in labour,” says Susan.

He came to see his son once, afew days after he was born. Susan expected him to bring something for the baby but he surprisingly came empty-handed.

“I have never seen him since. What pisses me off is the fact that he brags about having a son and posts my son’s photo on his Facebook page,” says Susan.

She used to go to his office to seek intervention for child support but in vain. Now that her son is in Standard Four, Susan has decided she will raise him all alone.

Modesta Kamoga, a Dar es Salaam-based psychologist believes the trend of irresponsibility among men is a result of the fact that unlike in the past, women today are increasingly engaging in income generating activities. Because they earn income, men relax and use their money irresponsibly knowing there will always be someone to take care of things.

Modesta advices single mothers to work hard to make sure their children go to school. They should not depend on men for the upkeep of their families lest they get disappointed.

Men’s take on this

Justine,* a father of three children says there are reasons why men choose to be irresponsible. He says some do so when they start doubting they are the father of the child/children.

“If a man suspects his wife is cheating, he may also doubt the paternity of the children, especially if he proves his wife or partner is not faithful,” says Justine.

Another reason, he says, is when a woman tricks a man to impregnate them. “Or when after a short time of being in a relationship, the partner tells you they are pregnant.” Justine says this can be a complete put off to some men.

He admits some men become irresponsible as a result of extra marital affairs. He says they abandon one family because the burden of taking care of two families becomes unbearable.

Saidi,* a resident of Ubungo says men who don’t take care of their families should be punished. He says as heads of families, men are expected to meet their families’ needs. He believes a woman can only chip in once in a while to help her husband but insists it’s a man’s responsibility to fend for his family.

“Women today are earning money but this should not be an excuse for men no to fulfill their responsibilities. A real man is supposed to take good care of his family,” Saidi warns.

Nsiandumi Ndossi, pastor at Bread of Life Church says irresponsible men are a result of irresponsible fathers. He advises parents to be careful when raising children because children tend to copy the lifestyle of their parents.

“Parents should remember children look up to them as role models. Parents should be good role models for their children. A man is the head of his family just like Christ is the head of the church. Men should respect this,” says the pastor.

Pastor Ndossi says the duty of husbands is to love their wives just like Christ loves the church.

“The love of Christ to the church should serve as an example of how husbands should love their wives...it should be sincere, pure, and constant, notwithstanding her failures.”

However, the pastor believes there still are many good and responsible men out there. Men who ensure their families do not lack.

* Names changed

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