Unsung heroes: Dads are more than DNA donors

Over the years, society has classically conditioned us to celebrate mothers, sisters and many more internationally acclaimed days. Unfortunately, we often forget the fathers that surround us.

Fathers, like mothers, are pillars in the development of a child’s emotional well-being.

Children look to their fathers to lay down the rules and enforce them. They also look to their fathers to provide a feeling of security, both physical and emotional.

Children want to make their fathers proud, and an involved father promotes inner growth and strength.

As father’s day approached, we realized just how underplayed this day is. There wasn’t much social media hype, the stores weren’t decorated and the father’s day gift promos were close to non-existent.

This begged the question; Why?

We rely on them to provide for us financially and they are always ready with a solution to any problem.

We know expect them to fulfill their responsibilities but we rarely take the time to appreciate them for their efforts.

Many times, women are overheard saying statements like it’s his child so he should man up” or “why should I have to go out of my way to thank him for something he should have been doing anyway?”

Along the road, I learnt that men, just like women, need the emotional validation.

Not just in words but in deeds too. Yes, he needs to pay the school fees and fix the broken door handle and change the bulb.

Yes the children need clothes and he has to pay the bills and leave money for groceries.

We each know our roles but how often are fathers and father figures celebrated, even a little, for the work they do?

He may not be the biological father; he may be a step father, grandfather, uncle or even god-father.

Whatever the state of the relationship, if he has faithfully been playing the role of a father to whatever capacity, he needs all the accolades he can gunner.

As a young and single mom, it was important that I learn earlier on that as much as I am both parents to my child, the void that comes with not having a father around is daunting for a growing child.

The family unit was created with a purpose and each parent has a role to play in their child’s life.

Unfortunately, more often than not, the absentee parent usually tends to be the father.

Fathers not only influence who we are inside, but how we have relationships with people as we grow.

The way a father treats his child will influence what he or she looks for in other people.

Friends, lovers, and spouses will all be chosen based on how the child perceived the meaning of the relationship with his or her father.

The patterns a father sets in the relationships with his children will dictate how his children relate with other people.

Young girls depend on their fathers for security and emotional support. A father shows his daughter what a good relationship with a man is like.

If a father is loving and gentle, his daughter will look for those qualities in men when she’s old enough to begin dating.

If a father is strong and valiant, she will relate closely to men of the same character.

Unlike girls, who model their relationships with others based on their father’s character, boys model themselves after their father’s character.

Boys will seek approval from their fathers from a very young age. As human beings, we grow up by imitating the behaviour of those around us; that’s how we learn to function in the world.

If a father is caring and treats people with respect, the young boy will grow up much the same.

When a father is absent, young boys look to other male figures to set the “rules” for how to behave and survive in the world.

Life & Style had the opportunity to speak to and honour these special fathers on the roles they play in their children’s lives.

Juma Nature – Step father

Juma Nature is a step father to a 10-year-old boy and biological father to two girls.

After meeting his then girlfriend and now wife, Juma tells of how challenging it was, not just to forge a relationship but to prove the sincerity of his intentions.

He has been a great father in every sense of the word and says his biggest challenge was the mother thinking he did not have good intentions for her son.

“I had to re-assure her through my actions. Spent quality time with him, got involved in his education and even shared memories of my childhood” says Juma.

“Our relationship is good, we understand one another and we are both adjusting. What is important is discipline, consistency and respect”.

Parenting is as sensitive as it is rewarding. You pick up lessons and unlearn a lot of what you thought you knew.

“As a step father, I learnt not to be too harsh with him; to be more patient with him. I learnt to balance the two. I had to make sure to involve him in decisions that concerned him. Most importantly, I had to realize that his relationship with his mum existed before I came into the picture” he adds.

L&S: What do you advise single mom’s when it comes to introducing and bringing another man into the lives of their child(ren)?

Juma: A boyfriend is someone who is there for you to get to know one another. He doesn’t automatically become your child’s father since you’re dating.

It’s important to be honest about having a child though. But, once a commitment to you as far as marriage is being discussed, the status of the child should also be discussed. Never assumed.

Q: What do you advise potential step dads to consider, open up about and talk about with their partners?

A: Expectations should be clear. Can you father another man’s child with the off chance that your time and effort invested doesn’t guarantee he or she won’t seek out or be sought out by his/her biological father?”

Will you adopt the child once you marry the mother? Legally, you need to acknowledge the child. It helps to avoid issues in future?

Fatherhood is a covenant that you make and it is one you should honour in integrity.

To his own father, Juma says thank you.

“You always said it as it was and spoke in truth. You always asked questions and showed me how to be generous towards my loved ones in time and resources. You gave more than you received without expecting praise for it.”

David Leonis – Uncle

David Leonis is an uncle to 5-year-old Zion whose biological father is not in the picture.

He has been instrumental in helping raise his nephew. David talks to Life & Style saying that he wants to teach Zion to be confident and believe in himself, to always be kind but to never ever let someone confuse his kindness as his weakness.

“It is important for him to learn to never to depend on anybody, to work hard and also to work smart. Finally, I want to have him realize that life is short and his days here on this earth are numbered so he should live life to its fullest, make every decision and action count and enjoy every step on the way forward” says David.

Mental lessons

He adds that “as man all I want him to know is that a man takes responsibility for his actions and that as a man it is okay to be a big baby every once in a while.”

He emphasized on this because mental health issues for men are a serious social challenge because many times, men are not really allowed to express their emotions.

The fear to appear weak or incompetent when emotions are expressed is an issue that a lot of men battle with and in raising this young man, David believes that it is important for him as a father figure to show his nephew just how important it is to express himself regardless of the society may perceive him.

Finally for David, respect is a very important. He believes that it is not just a one way street in that the child is the only one obligated to be respectful.

“I want him to be respectful to his adults but I also need him to know that no matter the adult, respect comes from both sides adult and he should never take that notion that will leave room for him to be disrespected and belittled in any way.”

In my quest to try and understand fathers, I must acknowledge the level of stability that they represent.

In addition to uncles and step-dads, fathers could also be grandfathers and even god-fathers.

I have had the pleasure of observing my own father be more than just a grandfather to my child.

I saw what I obviously misunderstood growing up. The dedication it takes, the patience required and the consistency is admirable.

It would be remiss of us this time not to take a moment to honour every father out there. Life & Style celebrates all father figures today; grandfathers, uncles, step-dads, godfathers and every man that has made the covenant to continuously show up and be present for their child.

Happy Father’s day to all of you silent heroes!