What can feel like distance or arrogance from one side may simply be someone trying to navigate a role that no longer allows them to show up in the same way they once did. That shift can feel personal when you're on the receiving end of it.
A few years ago, I wrote about the difficult transition from colleague to manager. I focused on the person who had just been promoted, the awkwardness of leading former peers, navigating friendships and learning to balance authority with empathy.
But there is the other side to that story I was reminded of as I overheard a rant at a friend’s gathering. A guest shared his experience of how his friend has changed after being promoted, leaving a fracture in place of their strong friendship. Now he believes his friend has changed and he wonders if he has lost a friendship.
You might be able to relate to him and today, I want to speak to the friend who feels they've lost their friendship to a promotion. The friend who suddenly finds themselves reporting to someone they used to gossip with over lunch, vent to after difficult meetings, and laugh with on the drive home.
For many people, the first reaction is disappointment. "She thinks she's better than me." "They've changed."
What can feel like distance or arrogance from one side may simply be someone trying to navigate a role that no longer allows them to show up in the same way they once did. That shift can feel personal when you're on the receiving end of it. The friend who used to overlook your lateness now asks why you're late. We expect our friendships to remain frozen in time while our careers move forward. I want to offer another perspective.
Consider this: perhaps true friendship isn't measured by how many favours someone can do for us once they become our boss. Perhaps it is measured by whether we can celebrate their growth without expecting privileged access to it.
It is easy to applaud someone's promotion. It is much harder to accept everything that promotion asks of them.
Of course, not every new manager handles the transition well. Some become distant. Others swing too far in the opposite direction, becoming unusually strict because they are determined to prove they aren't playing favourites. Leadership is a skill, not an instinct, and like every skill, it takes time to develop. New leaders will make mistakes.
AND friends make mistakes too.
Sometimes we hold people hostage to the version of themselves that made us comfortable. We expect yesterday's relationship to operate under today's responsibilities. We ask for exceptions because "we've always done it this way." We expect inside information because we once shared everything. We quietly believe that our history together should outweigh the expectations of their new role.
Without realising it, we place them in an impossible position. We ask them to choose between being a good friend and being a good leader. The healthiest leaders refuse to make that choice and the healthiest friends don't ask them to.
If your friend has just become your manager, one of the greatest gifts you can offer them is the freedom to grow into the person the role requires them to become. Respect the boundaries they are trying to build. Trust that professionalism is not the absence of friendship; it is often the protection of it.
Don't measure your friendship by the privileges you've lost, instead measure the respect you've managed to preserve. The friendships that survive promotions are the ones mature enough to understand that everything changes, but it doesn't have to diminish love, loyalty, or trust. In many ways, promotions don't destroy friendships, they reveal them.
So, if you've caught yourself saying, "My friend has changed," pause before you decide that's a bad thing. Ask yourself a different question.
Are you the kind of friend who is strong enough to make room for the person they are becoming?
