BY THE WAY : Old men Leave young girls alone

This piece is dedicated to all married men who like to shamelessly chase after young women. Shame on you! Being in a boring marriage does not permit you to seek fun in the arms of young women.

I am sick and tired of being hit on, stalked and followed by married men. I have tried to ward them off by wearing a ring but they just won’t stop.

Since I am in a foul mood, I will give you a piece of my mind and hopefully, you will stop pestering me and other pretty, young girls around with text messages in the dead of the night asking “Unapika nini leo”

I am tired of walking into restaurants and sitting next to a married couple only to be upset by the man staring at my legs and cleavage in the full glare of his long-suffering wife.

I am sick and tired of going to church and sitting next to a family and the married man cannot let me listen to the word of God in peace without stealing glances at my derriere. I am tired of married men passing their business cards to me in traffic and telling me to “call me, we have a drink soon.”

I am sick and tired of walking into a pub only to have married men with children in upper primary asking to dance with me. Most of you can’t dance anyway.

If you want to chase after a girl 17 years your junior in a bid to re-invent your youth, then you must start at the gym and lose that flabby flesh that masquerades as a stomach.

No, I don’t sleep before 11pm, and that is absolutely none of your business. And why are you, a married man, texting me at 11:26pm? Stop sending me messages on WhatsApp, and will you stop sharing naughty videos or those silly photos with sexual innuendos that I saw in 2012?

When it is clear I am ignoring your texts, don’t text me to say “Why are you ignoring me”.

And to that one who lives in my building who keeps knocking on my door asking for ‘a movie’, next time you knock, I will make a movie out of your philandering ways. Don’t ask me where I live and don’t ask if you can come for ‘tea’ in my house. Didn’t you buy milk in your own house? And yes, I can pay my own rent. Use that money to buy a gym membership for your wife.

When we bump into each other at the carwash with your cute toddler, don’t ask if you can help me park my car. I got it there by myself and I know how to reverse-park, no matter how many turns I make and however long it takes me to do it.

It is my car, so even if I bump it against the pavement seven times, never mind.

Don’t offer to help me reach for that packet of juice in the supermarket and ask for my number afterwards. I don’t need your assistance that comes with strings attached.

Don’t invite me to your office parties to show me off to your colleagues. Don’t call to ask if we can hang out on Friday night or if you can buy me a drink at ‘Serena’. I know you don’t have that kind of money, so please, save your coins for a nice pair of heels for your wife.

Finally, to those extremely obnoxious married men who lie that they are not married on the first date, God has reserved the hottest corner in hell for you.

To those who lie that their wives are “just baby mamas”, style up because your lies will not last. They will catch up with you and you will soon be exposed, however mighty you may be.