CANDID TALK : How to scare Uswahilinites to death
What you need to know:
As it is, Uswahilinites are never afraid of muggers, rats, roaches or speeding contraptions called bodabodas meaning that in order to scare them out of their pants, I have to be very innovative. I have been very determined to kick out Hussein the Uswaz wag for gawping at my daughter Jenny. I know that Uswahilinites cringe at the thought of ever being whisked to the Uswaz Police Post to cool their feet but we are never afraid of “cooking” our livers with potent drinks that can knock down a dinosaur at Mama Mwakilambo’s shack. Put otherwise, we, in Uswaz, are only afraid things that are diabolical - the likes of Mzee Kaniki Kombo, who calls himself the professor of witchcraft.
In this crazy rat and roach-infested Uswaz, it becomes necessary to scare people out of their skins to rid yourself of them. When a fellow tenant becomes a pain in you-know-where, because he plays music at the highest decibels in wee hours, or does not contribute money for water or electricity, or if the guy has been open-mouthed gawping at my one-and-only Bisho Ntongo, it becomes my ordained duty to get rid of him or her as fast as possible. To succeed, I have weighing options devise ways to make him or her pack up and shift to another Uswaz.
As it is, Uswahilinites are never afraid of muggers, rats, roaches or speeding contraptions called bodabodas meaning that in order to scare them out of their pants, I have to be very innovative. I have been very determined to kick out Hussein the Uswaz wag for gawping at my daughter Jenny. I know that Uswahilinites cringe at the thought of ever being whisked to the Uswaz Police Post to cool their feet but we are never afraid of “cooking” our livers with potent drinks that can knock down a dinosaur at Mama Mwakilambo’s shack. Put otherwise, we, in Uswaz, are only afraid things that are diabolical - the likes of Mzee Kaniki Kombo, who calls himself the professor of witchcraft.
After exploring all the option to get rid Uswaz of Hussein the Uswaz wag, I came to conclusion that the only way is to pretend to fire his imagination in those direction and psychotically subdue him to leave our part of Uswaz. Fortunately for me, it is the mating season for Uswaz cats. During this season, cats moan, groan, scream and make all sorts of weird noises. How then do I make those cats zero in on Hussein’s shack? The idea came from unexpected quarters. My daughter Jenny me told that in order to keep cats around Hussein’s shack, all I needed to do was to toss a few fish bones on Hussein’s roof and cats will be singing hallelujah. I did it and results were spectacular – they danced and sung, scaring him to near-death. All the Uswaz cats migrated to Hussein’s shack, made all the noises they could. I went farther. I wrote some Arabic on some eggs and strategically placed them on Hussein’s doorsteps. On a false belief that he has been bewitched, Hussein has started parking to another house down the street. Good riddance Hussein the Uswaz wag!
