Distinguishing between Ego and Positive Pride

Nido, in his book How to get Anything you Want, writes: “Self confidence or positive pride is not bragging about your abilities and accomplishments, putting down the abilities and accomplishments of others, exaggerating your abilities or deeds, out-talking everybody else to get your way.

A better word for these practices is arrogance or egotism.” Sometimes there is a fine line between ego and positive pride. You display positive pride when you are confident, open, and selfless. This is healthy and necessary for balance.

You have to believe in yourself, because if you don’t, no one else will. Positive pride means using this self-esteem to make a difference for others.

Egotism means using it for self-gratification and to promote a feeling of self-importance. The balance between ego and positive pride is well explained in this Serbian proverb: “Be humble, for you are made of earth; be noble, for you are made of stars.”

You have the capacity to rise to the stars, but don’t forget that one day you will be buried six feet underground with nothing except what you had when you came into this world.

There is a story among the Sufis about an eagle flying high in the sky, admiring his own beauty, and “looking down” on things on the ground.

These egotistical thoughts are abruptly terminated when an arrow strikes the bird and it falls to the ground. The eagle can’t believe it has been hit – especially by a piece of metal.

Then it sees its feathers on the ground and exclaims, “It is the feathers that made me fly high in the sky and they are the same feathers that make me fall to the ground.”

The moral of the story is that we all have within us the “feathers” of positive pride that can take us high in the sky and the “feathers of ego” that can destroy us.

People with pride and self-esteem obviously value their own talents and think highly of them, but do not remain centered on them only.

They are more open, willing to accept and appreciate, and they are valued much more by society. Their self-esteem places them in high positions, and they can get good results personally too.

But their more intense involvement with people around them ensures that they stay socially connected and an integral part of activities, no matter how clever or high their positions.

People with high self-esteem are more likely to reach their highest potential, regardless of what others think. Unlike people with low self-esteem, these people take risks that result in both personal and professional growth.

People with positive pride acknowledge their own uniqueness and can relate to others in a more open and enjoyable way. They realize that they have blind spots and are open to constructive feedback.

In this context, compare the personalities of two towering historical figures: Dr. Jonas Salk, who gave away his polio vaccine for the good of mankind, is viewed as a great man.

Adolf Hitler, a man who achieved both power and control for a short time, has gone down in history as just an egocentric and selfish person. Both were driven from a sense of self. But while one rose above himself, the other suffered because he was limited by his own ego.

Azim’s friend Joe Roberts shared a powerful example with him. He said that if someone is very thirsty in the desert, and you bring a glass of water to share, you have done a worthy deed.

But never forget that you were only the “glass.” The water came from the Higher Power, as did the air, vegetation, rain, our bodies, and our senses. This is where humility comes in: the realization that it is a privilege, not a right, to make a contribution.

Humility is a reflection of positive pride. It leads to collaboration and synergy instead of competition and jealousy.

Take the example of Dorothy, a dentist who loves her work. She is a selfless team player who focuses on making a difference. When patients come with their toothaches, she spends time with them to empathize and make them feel relaxed and comfortable. She always wears a smile that says, “I am so happy to see you.”

She is confident, energetic and focused on her mission, which is to make a difference to her staff, to her suppliers, and to every patient who comes to her for treatment. When a patient doesn’t appreciate her good will, she reminds herself that the patient’s behavior does not reflect her skill or attitude.

It is something the patient is going through, and has nothing to do with her. Usually, with her tolerant and loving approach, she is able to win the angry customer’s confidence. And even if she doesn’t, she does not let that incident affect her for the rest of the day.

Dorothy has positive pride. She does not operate from egotism. She does not edge her gifts out. Instead, she taps into her creativity, innovation, and potential.

Another example is Bob, who is a construction project manager. Bob is a know-it-all. He is a perfectionist who thinks that only he knows what is best for everyone. So every morning, after telling his wife and children how inefficient they are, he goes to work and starts picking on his subordinates and colleagues. He finds fault with everyone, including his customers. Instead of “The customer is always right,” his motto is “Bob is always right.” He operates

from egotism, and thus does not tap into his genius, creativity, and innovation. He drains not only himself but also others around him.

Self-esteem comes from feeling good about yourself and believing in yourself. It comes from doing your best and leaving the rest, without worrying about others’ opinions. It also comes from looking at what is working in your life and being grateful for it.

A pluralistic approach to life is also a reflection of positive pride. It is a universal approach. Everyone – all people and all religions – has access to the truth. The truth is found everywhere.

This article is an extract from “Life Balance the Sufi Way” by Azim Jamal and Dr Nido Qubein