Lessons from single parents on finding balance

Some intimate relationships lead to marriage and a happy life thereafter. Others lead to heartbreaks. And, when a baby is involved, it even becomes twice as difficult to move on – or to find another partner.

The baby stands as a constant reminder of the past, and the unbreakable bond with an ex-partner. Talk of beautiful mistakes and scars.

This week, a single mom and single dad tell us what it feels like to stand holding a baby after a relationship collapses, and what they now look for in a relationship to avoid making the same mistakes.

Diana Olonde, 24; Journalist

The last time I was in a relationship was two years ago. We had our ups and downs but I was determined to make it work.

I conceived a few years into the relationship, and this led to frequent disagreements between us.

One of the things my parents wanted to understand was whether my boyfriend had taken responsibility for the pregnancy, and I am glad he did.

The arrival of my baby was not very well planned for. The pregnancy came with a lot of challenges owing to the fact that I had no source of income. I was fully dependent on my parents.

At some point, I resorted to doing part time jobs in order to buy a few items in preparation for the birth of my baby.

As an African woman, we are always advised to be patient in the face of financial constraints to avoid ‘losing’ our partners.

That is exactly what I did. With time, however, my parents began piling pressure on us. They wanted to know the status of our relationship.

It reached a point we both couldn’t take it anymore. We broke up when I was eight months pregnant.

Since we parted ways, I have never heard from him. My little prince is now two years old and I can’t stop thinking about how blessed I am to be his mother.

Motherhood has taught me a lot in life and revealed a number of characters I would have never encountered without him.

The way I handle issues and relationships has completely changed. I have to be double careful about the decisions I make especially if they involve my child.

Many times I have had to walk out of relationships early after realising that the man in question was only faking his love for my son. Some men assume that being a single mother is a weakness, so they pretend to love your child just to trap you.

I am not in a hurry to get into any relationship. I believe in God’s time I will meet someone understanding. One of the key things I now consider before settling in a relationship is my emotional wellbeing. I must be convinced that my partner cares about me before settling.

In an ideal relationship, two partners must get to know and understand each other. This should happen before they even think of having children.

They should also be ready to put into consideration the psychological, emotional and economic wellbeing of each other.

Having a child is not an offence, but also, it does not mean you have to compromise your standards in order to win yourself a spouse.

One major lesson I learnt from my previous relationship is to identify and respond to red flags.

For me, unless I am sure the man meets my standards on who a good father is, I will remain my son’s sole provider no matter how long it takes.

Also, I don’t think it is okay to keep introducing your child to different partners unless you are convinced that he or she is committed.

Remjuce Bwana, 28; Sales Executive

The last time I was in a perfect intimate relationship, one I thought would result in marriage, was in 2013. It lasted for only two years. I was a student then, naïve and crazy in love.

Every other relationship I’ve had after that has left me crushed and heartbroken, but none is as painfully memorable as the one that left me with a daughter. She turns two in April.

The years between 2013 and 2015 were the best. My relationship at that time was just magical. Our union was characterised by respect and a lot of understanding.

How I thought that was a heaven-made match. But, I ended up being dumped after just one mistake.

We used to live in different hostels. I was in the male students’ quarters while she was in the female ones. We often visited each other until we got familiar with each other’s roommates.

In one of my frequent visits to her room, I flirted with her roommate, something she didn’t like. And, that’s how she left me for another man.

The end of that relationship was the beginning of the worst of times for me.

As a result of the anger and resentment that came with the heartbreak, I immediately looked for another girlfriend and was lucky to find someone.

For the second time, I thought I had truly found the one. This time, I chose to take things a notch higher.

The new relationship was only meant to be a fling, but I couldn’t see that. We dated for months and that’s how my daughter came about. I love my daughter so much and I want to be the best dad she could ever wish for, but we are not in very good terms with her mum.

Looking back in hindsight, I realise that my rash decision cost me dearly. Soon after I started dating the second time, my partner and I realised we were not compatible and we decided to part ways amicably.

But, the very last time we got intimate, she conceived. And now we both find ourselves trapped and bound to each other.

We disagree often about our duties as co-parents. When you are in such an arrangement, there is usually a tendency for either party to be unfair to the other, or to cause unnecessary drama, or to have unreasonable expectations.

That I don’t like but have to live with. And, it is not easy to take care of a baby when you don’t live with him or her under the same roof because, sometimes, the mother asks for a lot, which can leave you feeling like she is taking advantage.

For my next relationship, I am looking out for more than just outwardly attractive features. I now know that beauty is only skin deep, and that looks can deceive.

In my current partner, I see someone with all the qualities of a good wife. We began our relationship as mutual friends but with time, it has grown into something beautiful.

She is understanding, respectful and God-fearing. She knows that I have a child from my previous relationship and she still loves me. She’s witty and intelligent, which makes her an ideal partner.

When we finally get married, I know that one of the greatest challenges I will have to face is to help her create a strong and loving bond between her and my daughter.

What I have learnt is that intimate relationships have to be guarded jealously. Do not trust your friends too much. I messed up once when I had been fully trusted.

My advice to my peers is, if your previous relationship resulted in a baby, do not be afraid to speak about it. Don’t hide that fact because sooner than you know it, the echoes of the past will catch up with the present, and that will be a disastrous mix.

Dating has no formula at all. But at least, get to know each well other before you take any serious steps forward.

From the expert

While single parenting continues to be a growing trend worldwide, there is need to ensure the innocent children are not affected by the breakups.

Loice Noo, a relationship counsellor, says that a number of young people have chosen to walk out of non-functional relationships due to a number of reasons.

In the past, an individual was likely to end up as a single parent only after losing their partner to the cruel hands of death. But, times have changed, she notes. Over time, broken relationships have been attributed to domestic violence, divorce, break up, abandonment, and rape.

“One should step out of a relationship once it becomes abusive, or when it ceases to function properly,” says Loice.

According to her, seven out of ten single-parent cases are always a result of relationships that never worked out. Normally, she observes, the most affected age group are those in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.

It is important for an individual to understand what they want in a relationship, when to walk in, but more importantly, when to walk out.

She adds that if the couple had a baby – or were expecting one – then, the next phase “of moving on” would be to agree on how to look after the baby. Co-parenting has come up as a practical solution to this, but Loice warns of the challenges involved.

“These days, it is common to find a man in a co-parenting arrangement with more than one woman, and this can bring untold stress to both parties, and also to the children involved.

“Striking a balance between the next relationship and the previous one where a baby is involved becomes very difficult. Co-parenting, in some cases, leaves both individuals hurt, and when that happens, the baby is also never spared.”

Loice advises that before settling on co-parenting as an option, the characters involved must be willing to cooperate with each other and put the wellbeing of the child first.

Otherwise, it might be necessary to seek an alternative person such as a blood relative to become a guardian to the child.

According to her, the parent who interacts with the child only occasionally should take time to understand how the child has been brought up to avoid giving the child excesses whenever they interact.

If that happens, the child will start looking forward to meeting the parent in question, which may affect their general performance.

“Overall, it is important to note that children are a lifetime commitment and in most cases, they restrict the future activities and relationships of the parent(s). This is one of the most important considerations to make before leaving one of the parents to single-handedly take care of the child,” she says.